It's hard to believe that little Jack-Jack has joined our lives for six months already.
Looking back at the pictures when he was a tiny little new born to the somewhat of a "big boy" he is today, from that fragile little being who can't do anything to a little person that we are getting to know with personality. He now can flip over, and loves kicking me in the bed when he somehow spins into a horizontal position; he smiles when you read him his favorite books; he gets so impatient when he's ready to nurse that he will pull my shirt with both his hands; he laughs out loud with our silly faces and loves to play peek-a-boo. He's started his first bite of real food and seems to be taking to it so well -- he finishes big pots of congee, carrots, pumpkin etc. He even did his first poo on the potty! He's full of energy and lots of fun. The only complaint I have is he still refuses to sleep through the night.
Motherhood is tiring, no doubt, but also extremely rewarding at the same time.
I melt, at the pureness of his smile.
I am still trying to find the balance of the role of me and a mother. To be honest, and it is still sometimes a struggle. I go through relapses of my depression moods from time to time, and caved to seeking professional medical help as well. The mood swings has prevented me from enjoying motherhood in a way that I wanted to, and prevented me from taking steps to enjoy my own life. I feel so trapped sometimes that I am also for the first time seriously considering medication. I don't want to miss any more of his growing up, and be drowned in the fog of depression no more.
I guess this experience has also taught me something about mental illness, and the fact that you cannot reason your way out of it. Mic gave it a good analogy -- it's like driving through the fog, you cannot make it go away, but you can make it slightly better by focusing on driving slower, turning on the headlights, and cope until you get to the clear part of the path. I just need to have more patience and faith, that this fog will lift, that my life and happiness will return. Because truly, I have nothing more I want in life than what I have today.
