Letter

Dear little K,

How this letter will ever reach you I don't know, but I don't want to let you go without a proper goodbye, and I have so much to tell you before you even arrived.

Mommy is trying to be brave about tomorrow but I have to admit to you it is really hard. I am terrified about tomorrow. Daddy always calls me a whiny sick baby as I don't deal with pains very well. I have never been in an operation room in my life and I cannot believe the first time is to say goodbye to you. You come with so much anticipation as we have been waiting for your arrival for years, yet we chose to trust God that he has a time and plan for us and everything happens for a reason. I still cannot comprehend why this is not the right time yet, but perhaps Mommy and Daddy still have work to do before we bring you into this world, and for the time being, you are better off in heaven.

I also wanted to tell you about Hong Kong -- this is the magical city that Mommy and Daddy met, and settled into our home today. It's a dazzling city with beautiful lights but lots of temptation, temptation of money, fame, and materialism. But I am so glad that your Daddy and I share the same value, and over the years, have found a way to grow stronger in each other's love, co-exist with the city but living by our own ways. We wanted the same for you when you arrive, to know that the most valuable thing in life is the love you share, that relationships with family and friends are so much more important than what you wear or what you own; and that without love, life loses meaning.

The home we have in Hong Kong is something Mommy and Daddy worked very hard on. I am very proud that we earned every penny ourselves for the house and decorated it with so much thought and love, it now is one of my favorite places to be. Mommy is very content with our home and wished nothing bigger and fancier and only wanted to fill the home with more special moments shared with Daddy and our friends. One day, when you join us again and grow up to be on your own, I wanted you to learn the same level of financial responsibility from Mommy and Daddy -- not that we don't want to take care of you with what we have, but for you to understand how important it is to earn and enjoy the fruits of your own labour, to want things only within your capability, and be able to take care of yourself, not take the support from others for granted, and not be a burden on others.

Hong Kong also has bad air quality, which always worried me as I carry you around. I tried to hold my breath going past fumes in the city, but I know that small act of mine is not going to help very much. Ultimately we live in a strange world, where the world is still exploiting the poor, desiring goods beyond ones need and dumping the bad manufacturing processes to the developing countries. As a result, we are not living near the rolling green hills, running clear streams that perhaps I would like to bring you to one day. I was secretly hoping that you will be a very clever kid, just like your Daddy, and take on a worldly view and maybe help change some of that nonsense in the world. If anything I felt short of in my own life, is the inability to live a larger purpose and help more people. But of course I also know I must resist the temptation to shape you into who I want you to be, but let you be who you really are. I think that is the hardest thing for Mommy and maybe when you join us next time around, I will have been better at this.

I also wanted you to know the angels in Mommy's life -- Mommy didn't grow up with my own mommy, but instead I grew up with a bunch of mommies -- my grandmother and aunts. They cared for me no less than a mommy would and loved me perhaps more. I hope we will bring you back into this world soon that you will get to meet your great grandmother. She's already 96 years old and I certainly hope that she will live long enough to wait for your arrival again. She's the most amazing lady to me and taught me everything I know, but unfortunately she's been sick for the last few years with a terrible illness that takes away her memories. Mommy have the most beautiful memories with her and she's the person that taught me how love can be so selfless and wonderful. I look up to her as the only and best example as how I hope to be with you one day. And there are my aunties, your great aunties -- they have been helping me with the process of saying goodbye to you and will be helping to nurse Mommy back to health in Taipei after you leave us. I am sure you will see them in the future.

Oh, and Taipei. This is mommy's home town that will forever hold a special spot. The great thing is Daddy loves the city, too, and we have been talking about moving back to Taipei one day once we have you, so that you get to grow up experiencing one of best places on earth. You will also learn the only proper way Chinese should be written! We are now all world citizens and hard to call a single place home, but I hope you will also share the special feeling for Taipei as Mommy has.

Dear little K, I have so much so much more to tell you, but I have to learn to say goodbye, and let you go. We love you so much and we look forward to the day we welcome you back.

-Mommy

Scheduled Goodbye

Today, I had to schedule our goodbyes to our little K.

Unfortunately, little K didn't grow according to plan, and doctor still failed to locate the heartbeat at today's visit. Even though I knew the chances of this happening is quite high based on expectations set from the last visit, I couldn't help but feel empty and hallow inside, especially as I had to calmly schedule a termination date.

Dear little K, I know you are not ready to join us in this world yet, but promise us you will come back soon? Mommy and Daddy has a lovely home set up waiting for your arrival, it may not be the fanciest home with the most things, but sure has an abundant of love that we can't wait to share with you.

Bye for now.

Insomnia yet again

I am up at 230AM, from the uncontrollable sweat, yet another pregnancy symptom -- the rise of your body temperature, and body type (體質) according to the ancient Chinese. At least while I was chowing down the bowl of Korean noodles last night I thought to myself how very lucky all the food have stayed down no problem for the last two months.

It's hard to believe it's been almost two months, 8 weeks to be exact. I have recovered a lot from the shock of last Wednesday's doctor's visit and trying as best as I can to stay patient and hopeful while letting the realistic expectations sink in before we find out more on Friday this week. Revisiting many of my friend's blogs about their experience of miscarriage and knowing that they have all come through the experience and now with healthy babies in their arms have given me some comfort that even in the worst case scenario we will learn to cope.

Sometimes knowing too much too early may have just brought unnecessary worries. In the US apparently people don't go for their first check up until week 11 or 12 --- so if we were in the US, I'd probably still be thoroughly enjoying my first trimester without any worries. While in Hong Kong us wanting to find the heartbeat as soon as it becomes audible at week 7, and trying to find all sorts of reasoning as to why the embryo is not developing as scheduled is just bringing unnecessary worries to a process that is probably not meant to be calculated as such. I for one became overly obsessed with information found over the internet on the week-by-week guides of how the baby develops, and overly disappointed with the doctor's findings.

Clearly I still am, otherwise I won't be up writing about this at 3AM. Letting go and trusting that God has the best plans for us really does take some hard work.

Awkward

Awkwardness, is when you resist that glass of wine at the dinner table, but unable to say why is it you are resisting it -- it's not quite good news to share until we know everything is fine and not quite bad news to sob over until you know for sure. The same goes with the job interviews I am going through, I can't reject the jobs yet since I don't even know for sure what's going on, either, and whether that will conflict with the timetable they are proposing.

Patience, and hopefully a peace of mind of acceptance of whatever the outcome may be, is all I can ask for at this point.

Little K, will you please try to grow for mommy and daddy if you really belong to our family? We hope to see your little heart beating when we visit the doctor next Friday.

New Chapter... or Not

If last week was a long week, this coming week I am sure would seem even longer.

The doctor's visit didn't go as planned -- we were hoping to see little K's heartbeat on the monitor, instead is was still just a sac and baby is no where to be found on the screen. The doctor said the slower development of the embryo is an indication that something might have gone wrong, and the end result may be one that all expecting parents dread. There still is some hope, so we are going back for another scan in a week's time to see if the K's catching up on the development, but given we are pretty certain around the timing of conception, the likelihood of a 7 to 10 day development gap means that we need to manage our expectations accordingly.

I couldn't help but feel disappointed from the helplessness as tears roll down my face. There's nothing I can do to make things better -- I can't eat better, sleep more, and create a better environment for the baby to grow, it may be something genetic and it's just a part of nature's selection process. While I looked online and know that there's actually an insanely high % of women that go through this (around 20%), and I am surrounded by friends and family who have gone through one or more of this same experience, but it's still not easy when it is happening to yourself, especially after a 5 year wait to this very day.

There's still hope, so I don't want to give up on the thought yet, but I must have had sadness written all over my face when I returned to the office from the clinic and a few colleagues came to inquire if things were okay. I couldn't really tell them what's going through my head, so had to brush it off with a smile and return to life as if everything is normal. A friend sent me this note "God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".

The positive thing is at least we know we can get pregnant, and I enjoyed the temporary upgrade in my boobs. Mic was very sweet to tell me that we will be happy growing old together, with or without K. I know that is true, that I have a wonderful marriage with a loving husband and I really couldn't ask for anything more in life. As for this new chapter that we were eagerly awaiting, we just need the patience for when it is really landing in our lives.

Insomnia

Pregnancy insomnia is the latest symptom I have been dealing with. Every night around this time (3AM that is), the urge to get out of bed and release what's in the bladder is always followed by the inability to get back to sleep.

So I read, I surf the internet, and usually within an hour or two, I finally fall back asleep again, but always end up really tired during the day. The internet says this is also a common symptom because of the hormone changes. I guess compared to morning sickness I would rather have my pick on this insomnia instead.

Week 7: The "K"

Unlike most parents who probably won't be thinking about the baby's name a few months from now, Mic and I actually had this part of parenting all sorted about 5 years ago since we first started to plan for a child, we had both a boy and a girl's name picked out. A bit silly I know, but hey, I guess that's what happens with two type-A parents who plans for everything -- little did we know the second part of the execution only comes five years later.

We discussed this weekend whether we wanted to know the sex of the baby before the birth. For something this important, I am not big on surprises, and plus, I don't want to refer to the baby as "it" for the rest of the time I am carrying "it" around, so it would be nice to know the sex, so we can put a name to the little one. And the names we picked out 5 years ago still stands the test of time, we still like them and will be going with them.

If you are wondering what the names are -- you'll find out in May 2011 to keep a little suspense for the audience. For the time being, it will be referred to as "the K" (pronounced "ke"), aka "the kid".

p.s. First doctor's appointment on Wednesday this week. Hope all goes well. I am a touch nervous and don't want us to get too much ahead of ourselves and too attached before we know the baby is fine, but hopefully the sign that I am feeling fine, eating and resting well is a good indication. It is strange how you can develop feelings for this little organism that consists of nothing more than a bunch of division of cells so early on, and certainly hope that we will continue to be able to love it for the rest of the 33 weeks to come before the final debut.

Sushi Craving

It's such a depressing feeling when the one thing you want you cannot have .... This morning I woke up with a very strong craving for a nice bowl of chirashi rice (why would I want raw fish for breakfast I certainly cannot explain). Maybe mini-mickat is already a gourmet baby and wants the expensive Japanese fish that melts in your mouth, I couldn't stop thinking about Sushi Yasuda in New York...

I know some of my friends have had sushi their entire pregnancy, but I thought I'd stay on the safe side for the time being, so I am back to my eggs and muffin with a glass of milk.

The longest week

This must have been one of the longest weeks in my life.

After the home pregnancy test result was reconfirmed by the official blood test result, our first doctor's appointment is next Wednesday, when the heartbeat is audible through a vaginal ultrasound. Before that, all we can do is wait.

The first trimester is not without risk, especially with my age. I eagerly read up on everything I could on the internet, getting comfort from the online forums that my occasional abdominal pain is normal, my fatigue and the fact that I couldn't keep my eyes open beyond 930pm every night is normal (despite the many attempts in my mind to go out for a few last tango tandas before I am not able to), and trying not to scare myself with what might go wrong.

I have had an amazing appetite, especially in the mornings. I have been cooking myself the full English breakfast yesterday, Chinese scallion pancakes with an egg on top (蛋餅), and trying to keep up with some light exercise a few times a week.

God is kind, I think to myself, to grant us our wish at such a perfect timing -- my limbo status at work turned out to be such a blessing now that I have so much time to rest and concentrate on being well. Mic and my marriage is at such a wonderful stage and I am sure we will be able to welcome our new member into a family full of love.