Number 2?

Oh I am not pregnant.  The title is just a question I am asking myself, not a status update.

People have been asking me if I am thinking about number 2, and if yes, then I should probably get started on preparing to try again given my age.

I have been thinking about that question a lot.  Ideally for Jack-Jack, I do wish he can grow up with a sibling.  For one he will have a playmate and companionship growing up, also in the future he will have another family around when mic and I are no longer here on earth in the future.  Having said that, I know not all siblings get along, and I have seen plenty of examples around me that shows the common experience of growing up together doesn't guarantee a smooth relationship as adults.

The other part of me is very afraid -- I still haven't quite gotten into a good place of being a mother for Jack-Jack yet, and wonder if I will ever be able to handle all of this fatigue in the initial phase again.  I am only getting older and more tired -- can I really do this again?

Reading back at the lack of entries on this blog, and thinking back at those 9 months that has passed by so quickly yet so slowly, I wonder if I had a second chance, which parts could I have done better -- I probably would have enjoyed the long nursing sessions and falling asleep with my sweet baby more instead of being so anxious and nervous about him not having a good schedule; I probably would have allowed myself those showers and hair washes that makes me feel more human and attractive; I probably would have lowered my expectation about being that super mom all my Type A friends were able to achieve so quickly post birth.  And sometimes I do want to have another chance of doing this, with another baby, so I get to enjoy that initial phase again, instead of just struggling through it like I did with Jack-Jack.

I know just like the experience of having Jack-Jack, the arrival of a new life is totally out of our control.  You can plan to a certain extent, when to wean so your ovulation schedules gets back on track, when to do another round of IVF, but at the end of the day, none of these can guarantee a success.  So for now, I decided to let my excessive planning self take a back seat.  I want to enjoy Jack-Jack first.  I want to enjoy nursing him for as long as he needs me.  I want to forgot about timing the next round of IVF within the remaining duration I have with my existing insurance policy.  I want to take life one day at a time, and let God tell me when I should have number 2, should it be a part of my life that is already planned by Him.

時間

人入中年，常常覺得日子過得變化不大，那一條皺紋、一絲白髮，雖然證明了時間是一天一年的過去，但是日子可以說大同小異，也就沒有對時間過的快慢一事有太多的感觸。

當了媽媽，在小小子玠身上看到的每天不同的變化，才猛地驚覺，日子是這樣一天一天飛快。每一天，每一分，每一秒，我的小子玠都不一樣。

所以當我為了育兒的勞累提不起精神的同時，我也要提醒自己，這每一天、每一分、每一秒的成長、變化、驚奇，都是這樣獨一無二，不能停格，不能重來。我要振作精神，張大眼睛，好好地把它牢牢的記住、好好的過。

A Good Day

Sometimes it takes a little reminder about what a good day is.

That reminder can come from a good friend telling you to chill a little, be brave and embrace the unknown and the future.

That reminder can also come from seeing a life that you don't want to end up living, and try to stay clear of the self-absorbed loathing and cynical lens that turns everything grey.

Every day, will pass exactly at that 24 hour mark.  You can make it a happy day, a sad day, a productive day, a day worth remembering, or a day not worthy of mentioning.

I am thankful that today was a good day.  Thank you Jack-Jack for that lovely smile that gives me so much joy and strength.  Thank you mic for being my soul mate and the person that understands and inspires me.  I will try my best to make more good days in the future.

不知所措的媽媽

這兩天像小花貓的小子玠，總算恢復了生龍活虎的樣子。但是病期被媽媽時時哄著，現在好了依然非常的demanding，一不如意就大哭，讓我這個作媽媽的不知所措，不知究竟什麼時點開始嬰孩不再是嬰孩，而是一個需要教的小朋友。

昨天一天子玠很鬧，也睡得多，看來就是病期恢復的尾聲。但是很累的小子玠一遇上我就只想喝奶。我是被毛醫師深深影響的自然派，向來餵奶沒有schedule，小孩想喝就給，但是我發現子玠真的養成了淺嚐即止的習慣，但是又不啃鬆口，我一動他就大哭抗議。昨天晚上我覺得這樣下去不是辦法，再受到網路朋友上小孩早就能睡過夜的刺激，決定要讓他改變習慣，讓別人也能用別的方式哄哄才行，所以請我的菲傭第一次值夜班。

晚上半夜的第一次醒來我還是乖乖去餵了，因為他晚餐真的只吃了兩口飯就不肯吃了，我擔心他半夜會餓，所以還是先餵好，排除這個因素，再去補眠。半夜兩點、三點他起來哭了好久，我沒有起身讓菲傭哄，早上五點再哭的時候我去接班，子玠又是只肯奶睡不肯鬆口，我看他明明沒有再喝，所以決定不再掏奶，只是躺在他旁邊拍拍他，跟他說媽咪在，但是一點用都沒有。半個鐘頭過去了，我跟一個大哭發脾氣的小孩躺在一起，耳膜都要震裂了。當下決定用嚴肅的語氣告訴他不能用哭的方式要東西，媽咪要回自己房間睡覺了，就走了。

我第一次這麼狠心，回房間隔著一道牆仍然聽到他的嘶吼，非常不忍，但是十分鐘後神奇的事發生了，他居然自己睡著了。這一睡到了早上八點，自己還曉得變換姿勢，從半趴在媽咪擺在床邊防止翻下床的枕頭上，到好好睡回床墊上。

看來，小孩是聽懂了道理了嗎？今天晚上應該再來試一次嗎？

懶媽媽

我真是一個懶媽。最近回去看高中好友以前的部落格，別人孩子還小的時候都找的出時間替孩子的成長作紀錄，但是我總是以時間分散和睡眠不足為由，每個月連一篇文章都生不出來，真的是太遜了。

我的新希望是不要有宏大的目標寫多了不起的文章，但是至少多多記錄小子玠的成長，因為時間實在過的太快了，不記就忘的事也越來越多了。這麼珍貴的全家在一起的時間真的不應該虛度。

今天小子玠還是一隻小花貓。玫瑰疹果然在醫生說燒退了之後密密麻麻的長在臉上、身上，還會轉移哩！早上大花臉到了下午好了一點，但是腿上也開始出疹子了。生病的小子玠特別黏人，我一分鐘也走不開他的身邊，情緒的起伏也大，忽笑忽哭，捉摸不定。至少燒退了，沒有燙得嚇人，但是大概也沒有完全康復，所以活動力、食慾都差了些，平常活蹦亂跳得爬來爬去，現在只願意在可以觸摸到媽媽的範圍內活動。

我無奈的想著自己被 “軟禁“ 的日子，但是又想想，這個我是他的天、他的地的日子還有多長呢？能夠給他我的愛，我的奶水，滋養他的心靈和身體，有什麼事比這個在我現階段的人生更重要？

First Illness

Jack-Jack's immune system held up for nine months before becoming the victim of illness for the first time.

Our poor little man had a high fever on and off for three days straight, and silly mommy was giving him too little panadol that the fever medicine didn't even work on him (I was following the dosage instructions from the bottle he got at the two month check up).  The doctors said if there were no other accompanying symptoms it could be Roseola.   They were right.  The rashes appeared all over on his little face and body today, but at least the fever was gone and his energy level came back.

Now I can fully appreciate how hard it is for parents to care for a sick baby.  Even this little incident left me exhausted from staying up almost two nights in a row for a a hot baby that was constantly screaming from discomfort.  And thank goodness I am still breast feeding.  At least I still had one tool that still works to calm him down and keep him hydrated when he refuses to drink water/juice from a cup.