Struggle vs Confidence

With time, I seem to have finally found a way of being a mother that fits my own need and little Jack-Jack's need.  It's not perfect.  I still struggle, and still have doubts about my ways, but I feel like more often than not, I am in the zone.

I know it's not perfect, and it probably never will be.  I officially gave up on the massive crib, and put a mattress on the floor instead that is easier for co-sleeping, which means moving out of my own bedroom;  I still feed on demand and that means getting up more than once at night, but at least I have managed to predict Jack-Jack's first four hours of solid sleep and managed to get some of that for my own survival.  Luckily I have a supportive husband who is willing to indulge in my more "attachment parenting" style, and bond with Jack-Jack in his ways.

On days when I am certain, I feel like I know what I am doing, and what's not perfect is just a phase that will pass.  I am thoroughly enjoying every bit of little Jack-Jack growing up, including nursing him in the dark nights when he finds comfort through me, holding his little hand while he gulps down the milk and drifts back into that deep sound sleep.  On those confident days, I am so glad to be blessed with the role of a mother, to be able to love so deep and enjoy the cutest little being right in front of my own eyes.

And then there are days I struggle.  I still sometimes plunge into the darkness, especially when I compare my style to those who have successfully sleep trained their child or those who prompted me to hire a night nurse or to give a bottle, and question how unpractical my ways are if I were to go back to work.  True, most mothers may have already gotten their life back on track at this 4.5 month mark, and some have probably been back at work for some time even, and it makes me feel so utterly useless sometimes that I am just starting to add one little activity at a time for myself or Jack-Jack in a day, barely able to do anything else.  I am a lucky mother -- I have someone doing the house chores and I don't need to be back in work in a hurry for any practical economic reasons like putting food on the table.  And perhaps I would be able to "expedite" certain things if I was under more pressure.  But I haven't, and that makes me feel useless when I try to put goal posts down.   And of course I also long for the nice quality time with my husband, be back in our bedroom, being able to sleep 8 hours a night, be back wearing some nice clothes that doesn't require a discrete opening somewhere that is conducive for breastfeeding, and the list goes on.   But again, having all of those means losing what I believe to the way I want to be with him, the way I want to feed him, and it's a trade off I do not want to make just yet.

These two days in particular I struggle with the anxiety attacks, feeling very uneasy about the decision to not return to work.  Even though I had that conversation with my boss almost three weeks ago, and the ball is in their court to think about if they wanted to extend my non-paid leave to allow me more time to ponder through this, but I guess the "in between" decision points always feels uncomfortable.

Four Months

Our sweet little Jack-Jack is four months old.

It is incredible to think 4 months went by just like a flash.  The initial struggle into new parenthood has finally reached the light at the end of the dark tunnel  -- we now can enjoy time with him reading him story books and hearing him respond to us in the cutest little coos, or lifting his head up to give us that sweet smile, mommy's weight loss has finally commenced and I stopped looking like I am still pregnant even though I am still a full size bigger than before, and mic and I are also finding our old selves and way of interaction back.  Jack-Jack continues to surprise us with new developments -- just yesterday, he started to learn to hold on/grab things.

The sleep deprivation continues for me, since stubborn mommy is still insisting on full breastfeeding, but at least there's a predictable 4 hour stretch I can get every night I go down with him at about 9pm.  It's a special time we share, falling asleep together to the steady breathing of each other, and sharing that warmth with the closest embrace.

Jack-Jack has also already started to begin his international travel and been to Singapore and Taipei already.   The first trip was to accompany daddy's business travel, and the second trip was to see the extended family in Taiwan.  He's an amazingly good little jet-setter, making all the passengers around us impressed.  For the first time, the four generations were together under the same roof.  It was a pity my grandmother doesn't have the conscience to know him, but I hope in her spirit she was happy to see him.

It is also really special to see how a little baby changes the dynamics of the family.  My father and I who didn't really have much to say to each other for the past seem to have found a bridge through Jack-Jack and it is really sweet to see them bond in ways probably I never had the privilege to with him when I was little.  The word "family" has found a new meaning and entered another phase of coming to the center stage of our lives.  It's like our lives go in phases -- when we were little, the family is our universe; as we grow older, all we wanted was to escape into the big world and explore and experience life and seek independence; then you have a baby, and you realize the value of family, the people who stands by you no matter where you have been and what you have done, are the very people that you escaped from during the phase you wanted independence from.  That's love.

Little Jack-Jack, mommy doesn't have time to keep my thoughts in between feeding you, changing you, bathing you, playing with you, and catching a little shut eye, but I wanted you to know that you are a special little angel that has already brought us more joy than we can imagine, and we look forward to every day with you.