越洋的祝福

好友在臉書上發佈了令人雀躍的好消息，她籌備已久的哺乳診所要在台北開幕了。

她邀我為新診所的開幕寫點東西，我當然義不容辭。畢竟我今天有那麼一點點的從容，能夠享受和小寶貝的親密哺乳時光，毛心潔醫師一路的加油打氣、專業解惑，是最重要的原因之一。只是當一個媽媽的辛苦與甜蜜，堅持全母乳全親餵的酸甜苦辣，還真的是千頭萬絮，不知道要從何說起。

成為母親，是我所經歷最困難的角色。人生一向按部就班的我，從來沒有想過一個小小的新生命，如此徹底的顛覆了我的人生。我以為我準備好了，堅實的婚姻基礎，高齡得子的喜悅，我滿心期待，以為成為一個母親，完成一個家庭的組成，我的人生就此圓滿，別無所求。

當媽媽沒有標準答案。世界上有百百種的母親，每個人都得找到屬於自己的方法。你要親密育兒還是要嚴格百歲？你要全母乳還是配方奶？親餵還是瓶餵？你要回去職場還是要當全職媽媽？你要假手他人還是全部自己來？你要有多少自己的空間時間？你又能忍受多長時間的睡眠貧乏？

本來就頗有主見的我，加上產前所有資訊蒐集完整、勤加閱讀，我以為我萬事俱備，只欠東風。等到寶貝呱呱落地，我才知道，這許多問題的答案，並不能預選。

我選擇了全母奶，也想要適當的回應寶寶的需求（想喝就餵），但這條路走來辛苦，並不容易。

母奶媽媽產後需要的，是一個溫暖，正面的，充滿鼓勵的環境。畢竟新生兒的照顧，本來就是一件勞心又勞力的事。但是有太多錯誤的觀念擋路。即便是醫護人員，都常常以錯誤的母乳資訊誤導媽媽（我自己就因此換掉了兩個不懂母乳的小兒科醫師）。

我想我不是唯一被以下言語所困擾的媽媽：

“小孩怎麼一直哭，一定是喝不飽。你的奶可能不夠喔？“

“小孩沒辦法睡過夜，那你補一點配方奶，餵飽一點就好了啊“

“小孩要獨立一點，建立作息很重要。餵奶要照時間表，一邊三十分鐘，三到四小時餵一次，中間不要再餵“

“要擠奶排空，才不會有乳腺炎“

“用用奶瓶沒有關係的，乳頭混淆根本是無稽之談“

我的小娃兒，比起某些寶寶來說，應該還算不上高需求寶寶。但是哺育的初期，的確是個會一掛就一個多鐘頭，慢條斯理地喝奶的寶寶；他到最近快十一個月才快睡過夜，即便六個月開始副食品就吃的非常好也非常多；很不巧的，我用過幾次奶瓶，就出現了乳頭混淆的問題，費了我好一番功夫才再讓他重回親餵。

一開始，我像所有的新手媽媽一樣，疲倦、徬徨、不知所措。每個人好心的無意的意見反而成為我焦慮的來源。我擔心寶寶體重增加不足，擔心他喝奶時間太長，擔心他喝不夠，擔心他怎麼還不會睡過夜，擔心因為母奶就只黏著我，別人無法代勞。每當我聽到別的媽媽怎麼成功的訓練寶寶按表操課，很早就恢復了過去光鮮的生活，我就覺得自己是個無能不適任的母親。所以我也開始瘋狂的看書找答案、還買了一個 iphone App 詳細紀錄餵奶、睡覺的時間，每天體重的增加，試圖找出一點規律，用科學的方法來 “改進“ 寶寶的作息和成長。

我一點都不快樂。因為我總是在擔心，總是想要控制一切，總是在找標準答案。

毛醫師在台灣投入母乳哺育的推動一段時間了，我很幸運的跟她有著二十幾年的老友交情，也一直在寶寶出生後保持熱線諮詢。當我在越洋電話的一頭，因為香港兒科醫生認為我的兩個月的寶寶體重不足，在診療單上寫下 “Failure to Thrive"的字眼而泣不成聲的時候，她二話不說就買了機票來看我，幫我看含乳及寶寶的健康成長狀況。所以說我是她第一個跨國界的哺乳諮詢應該不為過。

那份感動我一輩子都不會忘記。

以她看來，含乳沒有問題所以寶寶絕對沒有喝不飽的問題，寶寶的成長狀況也不算壞：每天尿尿便便的次數都正常，活動力也很ok，並沒有香港醫生說得那麼糟。如果真要改進，那就是增加餵食的次數，讓寶寶想吃就餵，不想吃也可以試著餵餵看，才是追奶量最好的方式。她說哺乳和育兒本來就是再自然也不過的事，放下書本，讓母親的直覺和心去帶領你吧！孩子睡不睡過夜還有規律作息的養成和氣質有關，並不是吃不飽，所以只有耐心的回應和等待，孩子準備好的時候，一切就會水到渠成的。她說每個孩子都不一樣，同一個孩子每天也都不一樣，所以一天當一天過，好好享受孩子的成長和變化，別再分析研究了。她說當媽媽本來就沒有不辛苦的，要盡量自己找時間休息，學習躺餵。她說辛苦了，多加油。

我跌跌撞撞一路，飽受產後憂鬱所苦，花了一段時間才真正體會到放下的藝術。但當我放下時鐘、放下筆記、放下磅秤，讓一切順其自然的時候，我才真正開始享受成為一個母親的點滴。哺乳不再是一見苦差事，不再只是餵飽小孩的庶務，而是我千金不換的和小寶貝一起的親密時光。我越來越懂得還不會說話的寶寶透過眼神、表情、聲調和我的溝通。我也越來越珍惜那漆黑的深夜，寶寶在我的胸前一邊吸奶，一邊沈沈睡去的滿足；還有那曙光乍現的清晨，小寶寶暖暖的身子貼著我，小小的手掌和肥肥短短的手指捧著我的胸，規律的吸吮吞嚥的幸福。

想想這十多個月來，毛醫師不計其數的越洋電話為我打氣、解惑。有時候，你只是需要一個人，告訴你正確的知識和觀念，然後用耐心的口吻，告訴你 “媽媽你做得很好，辛苦了，加油“，一切就不再那麼難。

欣見毛醫師的新診所開幕，以後有更多需要幫忙的人可以因為正確的哺乳資訊及合宜的專業支持，在這條路上少走一點冤枉路，真的是台灣母奶媽媽的一大福音。如果藉由稍稍分享一些我的歷程，能讓大家了解哺乳諮詢的好處，幫到一些正在掙扎的媽媽，也算功德一件吧。

毛毛，謝謝你。你有我最最誠摯的，來自越洋的祝福。

為母雜記

天矇矇的還沒有亮，剛下飛機不到兩天的我還在調時差，翻來翻去睡不著，凌晨三點決定起身看書。

五點半，小子玠醒來，房裡傳來幾聲哭聲。他已經會自己在小床睡過夜了，昨晚7PM 到今天 5:30AM，以一個也有時差的小朋友來說，很好了。不知道我十個多月來沒有好好連續睡超過四小時的日子是怎麼撐過來的，但也是過來了。現在我知道，我的小子玠準備好了，我也完成了階段性的任務，陪他、等他準備好戒掉夜奶，安心的一夜天明。

我摸黑找到他的小床，抱起啜泣的寶貝，側身到床上哺乳。他的小手，那肥肥短短的手指捧著我的胸，小腳不停的輕輕踢著我的肚子，我不禁想起去年此時，他在我的肚皮的另一側，也是這樣的踢著我。只是那時，我只能想像他的模樣；現在，他是一個活生生的小人兒，在我的臂灣裡成長茁壯。

寧靜的清晨，人、車都還沒有醒來，小子玠規律的吸吮吞嚥的聲音，是我唯一的音樂和節奏。他停下、鬆口，望著我給了我一抹微笑，又再埋頭喝去。我的心無比寧靜，一股幸福的感覺洶湧襲來。

我沒有想到的我的哺乳之路可以走到今天，而且還能樂在其中。總算放下時鐘，放下磅秤，放下筆記，讓一切順其自然的時候，我才真正開始享受成為一個母親的點滴。

明天我的小子玠就要滿十一個月了。回想當母親的一路波折，從懷孕的七上八下，到生產後的調整。我的世界完完全全的為一個新生命所顛覆。多年以來以為確定的、自信的一切，突然模糊了起來。然後，一路跌跌撞撞的摸索，帶著謙卑也不安的心，重新找到自己的方向和定位。

今天的我，總算可以誠實的對自己說，我是多麼享受成為母親的角色，專心致志的當子玠的母親。感謝上天領我一路走來，我總算開始初初明白了一切因果，點，連成了線，人生的下半場，正式上演。

The Benefit of Sleep

All I can say is sleeping through the night feels great.

Jack-Jack was a rock star!  By the third night he managed to sleep from 8pm to 6am.  It still doesn't happen every night, but by now at least mic and I both have the confidence that Jack-Jack is able to go back to sleep on his own after a relatively short period of time (sometimes minutes, sometimes it lasts a bit longer, generally within 20 minutes or so), and we don't always get up at the first sign of his crying at night.  I think that did benefit us in being better parents during the day as we are more energetic to keep up with the little man.

I am still glad I waited to do this now as opposed to earlier, even though it meant a longer sleep deprivation period for me.   At least now I feel that Jack-Jack can understand he's safe with us, that we are there for him when he needs us, but he's old enough to learn that we cannot be there at the very instant he whimpers, and a "delayed satisfaction" of our company is sometimes required just so we can all be a bit more sane.

Parenthood is a long path of learning about his needs, our own needs, and finding the right balance.   I feel like we are getting there.  For the first time, things feel more right, and I feel more confident as a mother who understands my son, and through this a path to also understanding myself better.

 

Sleep Training -- Cont'd

It worked!

Jack-Jack only cried for less than 5 minutes today before falling asleep tonight.

Yesterday he only woke up once at 4am and slept 8 hours straight from 8pm the night before.

Little Jack-Jack, I am so proud of you.  And we promise to be even better parents now that your mommy and daddy are finally getting some rest.

Sleep Training

Jack-Jack has been a perfect sweet little thing, the only thing I wish I could change is his getting up 3 to 4 times a night, leaving him mother completely zombie like in the morning.  After about 10 months of this, I think I have finally caved into the brutal thought that we should start to let him learn how to fall asleep less assisted.  I can't believe I am actually doing the one thing I thought I would never let him do -- cry it out.

As we spend the next few weeks at our friend's massive house in NZ, Mic and I decided to give it a go at letting him learn to fall asleep on his own.   Last night was the first time.  We placed his bed on the mattress on the floor next to ours in the same room.  He cried for about 20 minutes, I had to put on a movie in the living room to distract myself from his crying, but he did go to sleep at 8:30pm, so it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  The 1am and 4am wakings were brutal, he screamed so hard after I nursed him and put him back on the bed, so I caved to nursing him back to sleep again.  Mic thought I was being too soft and would confuse him more, so tonight we have set up to sleep in the room furthest away from him.  In Mic's words, babies can adapt to anything, even if something had happened to us and he had to go to foster parents he will probably not remember us.  True.  Maybe a little crying wouldn't harm him as much as I thought it would.

Tonight, he went to sleep in the travel cot J lent us at around 8:20pm  after about 10-15 minutes of crying.  The true test will come after midnight.  Let's hope he makes it through, or rather, I make it through without caving in again.

Number 2?

Oh I am not pregnant.  The title is just a question I am asking myself, not a status update.

People have been asking me if I am thinking about number 2, and if yes, then I should probably get started on preparing to try again given my age.

I have been thinking about that question a lot.  Ideally for Jack-Jack, I do wish he can grow up with a sibling.  For one he will have a playmate and companionship growing up, also in the future he will have another family around when mic and I are no longer here on earth in the future.  Having said that, I know not all siblings get along, and I have seen plenty of examples around me that shows the common experience of growing up together doesn't guarantee a smooth relationship as adults.

The other part of me is very afraid -- I still haven't quite gotten into a good place of being a mother for Jack-Jack yet, and wonder if I will ever be able to handle all of this fatigue in the initial phase again.  I am only getting older and more tired -- can I really do this again?

Reading back at the lack of entries on this blog, and thinking back at those 9 months that has passed by so quickly yet so slowly, I wonder if I had a second chance, which parts could I have done better -- I probably would have enjoyed the long nursing sessions and falling asleep with my sweet baby more instead of being so anxious and nervous about him not having a good schedule; I probably would have allowed myself those showers and hair washes that makes me feel more human and attractive; I probably would have lowered my expectation about being that super mom all my Type A friends were able to achieve so quickly post birth.  And sometimes I do want to have another chance of doing this, with another baby, so I get to enjoy that initial phase again, instead of just struggling through it like I did with Jack-Jack.

I know just like the experience of having Jack-Jack, the arrival of a new life is totally out of our control.  You can plan to a certain extent, when to wean so your ovulation schedules gets back on track, when to do another round of IVF, but at the end of the day, none of these can guarantee a success.  So for now, I decided to let my excessive planning self take a back seat.  I want to enjoy Jack-Jack first.  I want to enjoy nursing him for as long as he needs me.  I want to forgot about timing the next round of IVF within the remaining duration I have with my existing insurance policy.  I want to take life one day at a time, and let God tell me when I should have number 2, should it be a part of my life that is already planned by Him.

時間

人入中年，常常覺得日子過得變化不大，那一條皺紋、一絲白髮，雖然證明了時間是一天一年的過去，但是日子可以說大同小異，也就沒有對時間過的快慢一事有太多的感觸。

當了媽媽，在小小子玠身上看到的每天不同的變化，才猛地驚覺，日子是這樣一天一天飛快。每一天，每一分，每一秒，我的小子玠都不一樣。

所以當我為了育兒的勞累提不起精神的同時，我也要提醒自己，這每一天、每一分、每一秒的成長、變化、驚奇，都是這樣獨一無二，不能停格，不能重來。我要振作精神，張大眼睛，好好地把它牢牢的記住、好好的過。

A Good Day

Sometimes it takes a little reminder about what a good day is.

That reminder can come from a good friend telling you to chill a little, be brave and embrace the unknown and the future.

That reminder can also come from seeing a life that you don't want to end up living, and try to stay clear of the self-absorbed loathing and cynical lens that turns everything grey.

Every day, will pass exactly at that 24 hour mark.  You can make it a happy day, a sad day, a productive day, a day worth remembering, or a day not worthy of mentioning.

I am thankful that today was a good day.  Thank you Jack-Jack for that lovely smile that gives me so much joy and strength.  Thank you mic for being my soul mate and the person that understands and inspires me.  I will try my best to make more good days in the future.

不知所措的媽媽

這兩天像小花貓的小子玠，總算恢復了生龍活虎的樣子。但是病期被媽媽時時哄著，現在好了依然非常的demanding，一不如意就大哭，讓我這個作媽媽的不知所措，不知究竟什麼時點開始嬰孩不再是嬰孩，而是一個需要教的小朋友。

昨天一天子玠很鬧，也睡得多，看來就是病期恢復的尾聲。但是很累的小子玠一遇上我就只想喝奶。我是被毛醫師深深影響的自然派，向來餵奶沒有schedule，小孩想喝就給，但是我發現子玠真的養成了淺嚐即止的習慣，但是又不啃鬆口，我一動他就大哭抗議。昨天晚上我覺得這樣下去不是辦法，再受到網路朋友上小孩早就能睡過夜的刺激，決定要讓他改變習慣，讓別人也能用別的方式哄哄才行，所以請我的菲傭第一次值夜班。

晚上半夜的第一次醒來我還是乖乖去餵了，因為他晚餐真的只吃了兩口飯就不肯吃了，我擔心他半夜會餓，所以還是先餵好，排除這個因素，再去補眠。半夜兩點、三點他起來哭了好久，我沒有起身讓菲傭哄，早上五點再哭的時候我去接班，子玠又是只肯奶睡不肯鬆口，我看他明明沒有再喝，所以決定不再掏奶，只是躺在他旁邊拍拍他，跟他說媽咪在，但是一點用都沒有。半個鐘頭過去了，我跟一個大哭發脾氣的小孩躺在一起，耳膜都要震裂了。當下決定用嚴肅的語氣告訴他不能用哭的方式要東西，媽咪要回自己房間睡覺了，就走了。

我第一次這麼狠心，回房間隔著一道牆仍然聽到他的嘶吼，非常不忍，但是十分鐘後神奇的事發生了，他居然自己睡著了。這一睡到了早上八點，自己還曉得變換姿勢，從半趴在媽咪擺在床邊防止翻下床的枕頭上，到好好睡回床墊上。

看來，小孩是聽懂了道理了嗎？今天晚上應該再來試一次嗎？

懶媽媽

我真是一個懶媽。最近回去看高中好友以前的部落格，別人孩子還小的時候都找的出時間替孩子的成長作紀錄，但是我總是以時間分散和睡眠不足為由，每個月連一篇文章都生不出來，真的是太遜了。

我的新希望是不要有宏大的目標寫多了不起的文章，但是至少多多記錄小子玠的成長，因為時間實在過的太快了，不記就忘的事也越來越多了。這麼珍貴的全家在一起的時間真的不應該虛度。

今天小子玠還是一隻小花貓。玫瑰疹果然在醫生說燒退了之後密密麻麻的長在臉上、身上，還會轉移哩！早上大花臉到了下午好了一點，但是腿上也開始出疹子了。生病的小子玠特別黏人，我一分鐘也走不開他的身邊，情緒的起伏也大，忽笑忽哭，捉摸不定。至少燒退了，沒有燙得嚇人，但是大概也沒有完全康復，所以活動力、食慾都差了些，平常活蹦亂跳得爬來爬去，現在只願意在可以觸摸到媽媽的範圍內活動。

我無奈的想著自己被 “軟禁“ 的日子，但是又想想，這個我是他的天、他的地的日子還有多長呢？能夠給他我的愛，我的奶水，滋養他的心靈和身體，有什麼事比這個在我現階段的人生更重要？

First Illness

Jack-Jack's immune system held up for nine months before becoming the victim of illness for the first time.

Our poor little man had a high fever on and off for three days straight, and silly mommy was giving him too little panadol that the fever medicine didn't even work on him (I was following the dosage instructions from the bottle he got at the two month check up).  The doctors said if there were no other accompanying symptoms it could be Roseola.   They were right.  The rashes appeared all over on his little face and body today, but at least the fever was gone and his energy level came back.

Now I can fully appreciate how hard it is for parents to care for a sick baby.  Even this little incident left me exhausted from staying up almost two nights in a row for a a hot baby that was constantly screaming from discomfort.  And thank goodness I am still breast feeding.  At least I still had one tool that still works to calm him down and keep him hydrated when he refuses to drink water/juice from a cup.

Change

Change is uncomfortable.  Change is good.

The new phase has officially begun on July 1 as mic finished his last day at work.  The adjustment phase so far is good -- I enjoy having mic around during the day and no longer dread the beginning of the long days where I have no satisfying adult human interaction, and I like that fact that we both can attend to Jack-Jack through out the day, not missing any of his cute moments or new developments.  I thought it was very endearing that mic said he already noticed so much change from Jack-Jack in the two weeks he's been home.  He is a wonderful father, and I think Jack-Jack will be so lucky to be growing up in such close proximity to his father and building a relationship that will really matter in this life time.  

We are also kept busy because there are tons of administrative things to go through -- sorting out our finances, filing away and throwing things out, and getting ready for the move away from Hong Kong.

The first part of the plan will be an extended period of travel to see the families in Taiwan and Mauritius, and also a longer trip back to NZ for some additional due diligence on our future potential home.   Having a start feels much better than the long anticipation phase.  It is good that we have finally put our words, our worries, our dreams, our fear, into a concrete action plan.

Jack-Jack has no idea what his parents will be putting him through and what sort of life is coming ahead, but hey, it's exciting, no?

Eight Months

Someone once told me that time in motherhood -- the days are long and the years are short -- there cannot be a statement more accurate than this to describe how I feel about the time that's gone by.

The little baby that was kicking inside my tummy last year, giving us the worst scares of our lives that we might lose him, is now rolling and crawling around, pulling my fingers to stand up all by himself, and laughing at the silly noises that we make.  Looking back at the photos and videos over the past eight months, it's hard to believe how excited I was just at him simply opening his eyes in the first week, giving us a smile in month 3, being able to hold something in his hand in month 4, sitting up in month 6, and the list goes on.   All these milestones of the life that blossoms right in front of my eyes.  

This little boy, is a key part of the life changing decisions that Mic and I just made in the last month.

Officially, tomorrow's the last day of mic's corporate life.  I also quit my job last week, even though I will still be an employee for a bit longer, I no longer need to go to the office, so that date I wrote in my blog last year about my last day at work, turned out to be true.

We are embarking on a journey together as a family, unemployed.  

It's exciting and scary at the same time.  The time spent together will be special, the challenges of finding direction and meaning will be very real as well.  Once we don't have the corporate lives to fill our day, how we choose to spend our time, will require more thought and discipline. 

In a way, I have been going through this adjustment, over the past eight months of being a stay-at-home-mom-with-a-job-to-return-to, now I am simply dropping the "with-a-job-to-return-to" part.  I can't say it was all jolly -- while I can't imagine not seeing Jack-Jack for more than 3 hours, it has also been hard to fill the time with him during the day sometimes.  The PPD was a factor, but I think perhaps every mother struggle with the same issue of finding the right balance of self and giving, worry and carefree.  It's a learning process that will take a life time to perfect, and even then it won't be perfect.  But I am glad we are facing up to the challenge together, spending time together, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.

Six Months

It's hard to believe that little Jack-Jack has joined our lives for six months already.

Looking back at the pictures when he was a tiny little new born to the somewhat of a "big boy" he is today, from that fragile little being who can't do anything to a little person that we are getting to know with personality.  He now can flip over, and loves kicking me in the bed when he somehow spins into a horizontal position; he smiles when you read him his favorite books; he gets so impatient when he's ready to nurse that he will pull my shirt with both his hands; he laughs out loud with our silly faces and loves to play peek-a-boo.  He's started his first bite of real food and seems to be taking to it so well -- he finishes big pots of congee, carrots, pumpkin etc.  He even did his first poo on the potty!  He's full of energy and lots of fun.  The only complaint I have is he still refuses to sleep through the night.

Motherhood is tiring, no doubt, but also extremely rewarding at the same time.

I melt, at the pureness of his smile.

I am still trying to find the balance of the role of me and a mother.  To be honest, and it is still sometimes a struggle.  I go through relapses of my depression moods from time to time, and caved to seeking professional medical help as well.  The mood swings has prevented me from enjoying motherhood in a way that I wanted to, and prevented me from taking steps to enjoy my own life.  I feel so trapped sometimes that I am also for the first time seriously considering medication.  I don't want to miss any more of his growing up, and be drowned in the fog of depression no more.

I guess this experience has also taught me something about mental illness, and the fact that you cannot reason your way out of it.  Mic gave it a good analogy -- it's like driving through the fog, you cannot make it go away, but you can make it slightly better by focusing on driving slower, turning on the headlights, and cope until you get to the clear part of the path.  I just need to have more patience and faith, that this fog will lift, that my life and happiness will return.  Because truly, I have nothing more I want in life than what I have today.

5AM

5AM is the new found "me" time.

After months of back and forth and doubting myself, I have finally in my mind surrendered to my style of motherhood --- yes, I breastfeed, and yes, I co-sleep, and no, I do not have a "schedule" for my child.

The sacrifice is there -- it makes it very hard to leave him behind to have a nice block of "me" time to do some of the things I used to do, it also means my bed time is his bed time and that's often something like 8 or 830pm at night, and less quality time with mic.  But like what my doctor said to me -- "to hell with it" for other people's opinion.  I am raising a happy child, who hopefully will grow up secure and learning that I am always there for him, and while my sleep may be broken up, Jack-Jack does kind of sleep through if I nurse him back to sleep when he's getting more awake, so we rarely had nights when he is crying for hours on end and needing people to comfort him by walking/rocking etc.  If I have the luxury to do this for him, and I am willing, why not?

But of course going to sleep at 8pm often means I am getting up quite early.  5AM usually Jack-Jack goes through another round of feeding and falls back asleep, and I quietly climb back into my own bed for a snuggle with mic, or like today, I realized I haven't recorded much on the blog for a while and finally have some time to do this.

We adapt to this new life/new schedule, and try to find the balance whenever we can.

Struggle vs Confidence

With time, I seem to have finally found a way of being a mother that fits my own need and little Jack-Jack's need.  It's not perfect.  I still struggle, and still have doubts about my ways, but I feel like more often than not, I am in the zone.

I know it's not perfect, and it probably never will be.  I officially gave up on the massive crib, and put a mattress on the floor instead that is easier for co-sleeping, which means moving out of my own bedroom;  I still feed on demand and that means getting up more than once at night, but at least I have managed to predict Jack-Jack's first four hours of solid sleep and managed to get some of that for my own survival.  Luckily I have a supportive husband who is willing to indulge in my more "attachment parenting" style, and bond with Jack-Jack in his ways.

On days when I am certain, I feel like I know what I am doing, and what's not perfect is just a phase that will pass.  I am thoroughly enjoying every bit of little Jack-Jack growing up, including nursing him in the dark nights when he finds comfort through me, holding his little hand while he gulps down the milk and drifts back into that deep sound sleep.  On those confident days, I am so glad to be blessed with the role of a mother, to be able to love so deep and enjoy the cutest little being right in front of my own eyes.

And then there are days I struggle.  I still sometimes plunge into the darkness, especially when I compare my style to those who have successfully sleep trained their child or those who prompted me to hire a night nurse or to give a bottle, and question how unpractical my ways are if I were to go back to work.  True, most mothers may have already gotten their life back on track at this 4.5 month mark, and some have probably been back at work for some time even, and it makes me feel so utterly useless sometimes that I am just starting to add one little activity at a time for myself or Jack-Jack in a day, barely able to do anything else.  I am a lucky mother -- I have someone doing the house chores and I don't need to be back in work in a hurry for any practical economic reasons like putting food on the table.  And perhaps I would be able to "expedite" certain things if I was under more pressure.  But I haven't, and that makes me feel useless when I try to put goal posts down.   And of course I also long for the nice quality time with my husband, be back in our bedroom, being able to sleep 8 hours a night, be back wearing some nice clothes that doesn't require a discrete opening somewhere that is conducive for breastfeeding, and the list goes on.   But again, having all of those means losing what I believe to the way I want to be with him, the way I want to feed him, and it's a trade off I do not want to make just yet.

These two days in particular I struggle with the anxiety attacks, feeling very uneasy about the decision to not return to work.  Even though I had that conversation with my boss almost three weeks ago, and the ball is in their court to think about if they wanted to extend my non-paid leave to allow me more time to ponder through this, but I guess the "in between" decision points always feels uncomfortable.

Four Months

Our sweet little Jack-Jack is four months old.

It is incredible to think 4 months went by just like a flash.  The initial struggle into new parenthood has finally reached the light at the end of the dark tunnel  -- we now can enjoy time with him reading him story books and hearing him respond to us in the cutest little coos, or lifting his head up to give us that sweet smile, mommy's weight loss has finally commenced and I stopped looking like I am still pregnant even though I am still a full size bigger than before, and mic and I are also finding our old selves and way of interaction back.  Jack-Jack continues to surprise us with new developments -- just yesterday, he started to learn to hold on/grab things.

The sleep deprivation continues for me, since stubborn mommy is still insisting on full breastfeeding, but at least there's a predictable 4 hour stretch I can get every night I go down with him at about 9pm.  It's a special time we share, falling asleep together to the steady breathing of each other, and sharing that warmth with the closest embrace.

Jack-Jack has also already started to begin his international travel and been to Singapore and Taipei already.   The first trip was to accompany daddy's business travel, and the second trip was to see the extended family in Taiwan.  He's an amazingly good little jet-setter, making all the passengers around us impressed.  For the first time, the four generations were together under the same roof.  It was a pity my grandmother doesn't have the conscience to know him, but I hope in her spirit she was happy to see him.

It is also really special to see how a little baby changes the dynamics of the family.  My father and I who didn't really have much to say to each other for the past seem to have found a bridge through Jack-Jack and it is really sweet to see them bond in ways probably I never had the privilege to with him when I was little.  The word "family" has found a new meaning and entered another phase of coming to the center stage of our lives.  It's like our lives go in phases -- when we were little, the family is our universe; as we grow older, all we wanted was to escape into the big world and explore and experience life and seek independence; then you have a baby, and you realize the value of family, the people who stands by you no matter where you have been and what you have done, are the very people that you escaped from during the phase you wanted independence from.  That's love.

Little Jack-Jack, mommy doesn't have time to keep my thoughts in between feeding you, changing you, bathing you, playing with you, and catching a little shut eye, but I wanted you to know that you are a special little angel that has already brought us more joy than we can imagine, and we look forward to every day with you.

Your smile

Yesterday, you showed us your first smile.

It was like sunshine, and our hearts melted under that beautiful smile.

To Work or Not To Work?

I have been terrible at finding time to keep up the blog.  I wish I had more time to record all the thoughts and events and so many ups and downs just a short two weeks has brought, including the highlight of having my sweet university friends visiting me in Hong Kong to spend my birthday with me!  Who would have thought staying at home 24 hours a day yet you still barely have time to do anything but to take care of a baby, fit in a shower, and eat three meals a day?

I have already passed the mid point of my maternity leave, with the end of February fast approaching and my day back to work in sight.  I still have quite a few untaken holidays so could probably stretch the leave out to end of March or some point in April.

It's hard to say how I feel about it.  Part of me feels so not ready for it -- How can I leave this little helpless being when every day brings new excitement and being separated from him for more than two hours now makes me so anxious to get back to him already?   Also, before little Jack-Jack reaches 5 kgs when he has a bigger stomach to hold down some more food to sleep longer stretches, I am still up to feed him every three hours at night, and sometimes even more frequently, leaving me rather exhausted during the day, every day.  I thought my investment banking training has prepared me for the sleep deprivation, but clearly motherhood brings this part of the challenge to a completely new level.  And I don't think I will be a good employee if I am so tired all the time.  

The other part of me, is uncertain about staying at home. While being so involved in raising him is very rewarding, it is also very very lonely.  Sometimes I dread the start of my day before it even begins, and then thought sarcastically when I realized I am on a 24-hour shift and the day never really begins nor ends.  My world has become so small because I don't have time for anything else nor am I interested in sacrificing a good day with Jack-Jack to get back to some of my old activities.  Tango is out of the question since leaving home after 8pm when Jack-Jack's bedtime approaches is just impossible unless I can live with the thought that I am leaving him crying at home looking for me for the next few hours.  I have nothing to offer in a conversation that could interest you other than telling you what Jack-Jack has done today, how many times he poo-poo, pee-pee, spit up, and how cute and relaxed when you give him a bath and massage.  I felt so small somedays that I even feel unworthy.

Mic with his new role at work has also been incredibly busy and stressed, which I understand in my previous life, but now I couldn't help but feel sad and needy.  I thought if I went back to work, get distracted by doing the other seemingly important things then I would be a little less dependent on others sparing that little bit of time and attention on me.  The toll that having an infant takes on a marriage, which all the books have warned me about, also seemed more real than imagined.

So the short answer to the question "To work or not to work?" is I don't know.  Just like all the contradicting parenting advise out there, this seems to be a question I am answering with contradicting answers all the time.

I know there's an easier way to taking care of Jack-Jack, I could hire a night nurse, I could out-source the care to my helper more, I could give him a bottle/formula so I am not the only source of food that needs to be on stand by.  Somehow I just can't bring myself to do any of those things.  I don't want to be a typical parent in Hong Kong that outsources to the helper and can still have life close to exactly the way it was before.  It's not meant to be the same.  And somehow, that's just not me.  I want to do it myself, with my own hands.  And I am sure there is value in spending the time and being hands on, whether I believe little Jack-Jack knows it or not, and whether he will remember or not when he grows up.   I read this in Michael Lewis' book "Home Game" that he describes the experience from the father's perspective with his son -- "If you want to feel the way you're meant to feel about the new baby, you need to do the grunt work.  It's only in caring for a thing that you become attached to it."

Often I feel I want the best of both worlds -- the closeness to him that only comes when you spend the time with him and being the primary care giver; and the freedom of my old life that only comes if you choose to let go.  Clearly it is not possible to have both.

Of course I know this is a phase, it will pass, just like every one has tole me.   Day by day things will get easier.  He will grow, and outgrow some of our expectations.  I just have to embrace the journey, every part of it.

As to returning to work, time will probably make the answer clearer.  For now, I just don't want to think about it.