Struggle vs Confidence

With time, I seem to have finally found a way of being a mother that fits my own need and little Jack-Jack's need.  It's not perfect.  I still struggle, and still have doubts about my ways, but I feel like more often than not, I am in the zone.

I know it's not perfect, and it probably never will be.  I officially gave up on the massive crib, and put a mattress on the floor instead that is easier for co-sleeping, which means moving out of my own bedroom;  I still feed on demand and that means getting up more than once at night, but at least I have managed to predict Jack-Jack's first four hours of solid sleep and managed to get some of that for my own survival.  Luckily I have a supportive husband who is willing to indulge in my more "attachment parenting" style, and bond with Jack-Jack in his ways.

On days when I am certain, I feel like I know what I am doing, and what's not perfect is just a phase that will pass.  I am thoroughly enjoying every bit of little Jack-Jack growing up, including nursing him in the dark nights when he finds comfort through me, holding his little hand while he gulps down the milk and drifts back into that deep sound sleep.  On those confident days, I am so glad to be blessed with the role of a mother, to be able to love so deep and enjoy the cutest little being right in front of my own eyes.

And then there are days I struggle.  I still sometimes plunge into the darkness, especially when I compare my style to those who have successfully sleep trained their child or those who prompted me to hire a night nurse or to give a bottle, and question how unpractical my ways are if I were to go back to work.  True, most mothers may have already gotten their life back on track at this 4.5 month mark, and some have probably been back at work for some time even, and it makes me feel so utterly useless sometimes that I am just starting to add one little activity at a time for myself or Jack-Jack in a day, barely able to do anything else.  I am a lucky mother -- I have someone doing the house chores and I don't need to be back in work in a hurry for any practical economic reasons like putting food on the table.  And perhaps I would be able to "expedite" certain things if I was under more pressure.  But I haven't, and that makes me feel useless when I try to put goal posts down.   And of course I also long for the nice quality time with my husband, be back in our bedroom, being able to sleep 8 hours a night, be back wearing some nice clothes that doesn't require a discrete opening somewhere that is conducive for breastfeeding, and the list goes on.   But again, having all of those means losing what I believe to the way I want to be with him, the way I want to feed him, and it's a trade off I do not want to make just yet.

These two days in particular I struggle with the anxiety attacks, feeling very uneasy about the decision to not return to work.  Even though I had that conversation with my boss almost three weeks ago, and the ball is in their court to think about if they wanted to extend my non-paid leave to allow me more time to ponder through this, but I guess the "in between" decision points always feels uncomfortable.