Jack Jack Christening

Yesterday Jack-Jack had his Christening and we celebrated with a small and intimate gathering of close friends for dinner afterwards.  The day went as smooth as one can wish for.  It was a very long day for little Jack-Jack starting with a photographer session at home in the afternoon (the same person that took my belly shots came back to do our family portraits and also some baby photos), church service in the evening, and a long dinner, but he was so well behaved and only towards the end of the night he was getting uneasy as he was getting too tired.

It was a very special day for us, and a time to reflect on the blessings we have in life -- mic and I were both saying how there's nothing else we want on earth.  We have everything we ever want and ever will want -- a loving family, a beautiful son, and wonderful friendships.

This past week things have certainly gotten a lot better on the PPD front.  First my high school friend's visit last weekend gave me such a boost of confidence that we are doing the right things, gave me a first hand tutorial on how to use a lactation aid, and confirmed that Jack-Jack is healthy despite a little low on the weight (this is coming from the one pediatrician I trust most in the world!).  My confinement lady has left, so I don't have the paid nagging service anymore.  Then my dad and mic's parents came to HK on Monday and my dad was certainly a lot more engaging with an infant than I would have ever imagined and was very good at giving me an extra hand for a few days with little Jack-Jack.  Miraculously the dark cloud was lifted and I was feeling normal again.  Now I am only faced with the normal level of fatigue as a new mother, but the anxiety level has gone down significantly and the confidence level returned.  It's amazing how that change has made everything so much better.  The doctor certainly warned me that relapse is normal, but so far, fingers crossed, things are starting to look up!

PPD Hell

After the pediatrician visit and the breast milk vs formula conflict, I sunk into a dark dark world yesterday.

I had no idea I could lose control of my thoughts and emotions so completely.  

I could literally feel the dark clouds sinking in, the anxiety level rising in my body, the extreme fatigue but unable to rest, the hunger but absolutely zero appetite, and then the feeling of fear, loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness all combined.  I went into an uncontrollable state of sobbing for 2 hours, and no amount of rationalization could bring me out of that dark hole.  Even my confinement lady got scared and came to check on me and prayed over me.  At least I was clear headed enough to call a doctor while I was in that state, and he made an appointment for me with a psychiatrist that very afternoon and called mic to come home to be with me.  

I have never seen a psychiatrist before in my life.  I have to say just the first sight of the clinic looked like a cold asylum, sending the strong message -- "you had to be mad to be here".  The psychiatrist visit confirmed that my condition has long passed the normal baby blues stage but is a moderate degree of postpartum depression, and suggested a prescription of a few months of anti-depressants combined with anti-anxiety pills to get me through this.   I disagreed with his approach and wanted to see if there's a way to get through this without the drugs, especially since I am still breast feeding.  The doctor seemed pretty convinced that the risks were not worth taking, but at the end of the day he cannot force me to take any drugs but wanted to make sure I am closely monitored and warned me that when things deteriorate in PPD, it can happen very quickly as opposed to gradually-- so you can go to the stage of hallucination, even harming oneself without even realizing.  I had to admit that scared me a little, since I am so used to me being in control of myself, but this glimpse into PPD yesterday morning and the repeat episodes of mood swings and crying and anxiety did make me wonder if my will is really stronger than the messed-up chemicals in my brain.

For now, I have decided to do without the drugs.

And perhaps it is because I am fighting the thought of drugs, my body and mind bounced back to normal yesterday evening, trying to prove to myself that I can do this.  It was like the cloud has lifted and I instantly went from hell back to heaven.

I kept on thinking about the richness of love and support I have all around me and feel so blessed.  My high school friend and lactation expert bought her ticket to HK on a moment's notice to come and see me this weekend; my other high school friend is sending me 1500 cc of her frozen breastmilk so I don't have to give Jack-Jack any formula while I am trying to increase my supply and giving him supplements each feed; yet another high school friend and a psychiatrist herself is checking in with me daily to monitor my situation so I am in safe hands even without the drugs.

How can I possibly not get well with all the love and support?

God, please just give me the strength I lack, for I know you have never put in front of a me a challenge that is too great for me to bear; that I will get through this, to be Jack-Jack's healthy and happy mother again.

Failure to Thrive

When people say your happiness level goes down after a child enters your life, it is true.

Don't get me wrong, the joys are tremendous like nothing I have ever experienced.  I weep from joy just by staring down his face when I am nursing him, watching him barely making that little twitch of the lip like he's about to smile.  Every day, he is doing something just a little bit more and better and bringing new joys to us.

At the same time, the challenges it places on me as an individual, on us as a happily married couple before, are also very real.   Part of the reason I have not had a chance to blog, other than being tired and really busy with him, was the past few weeks I was also facing the challenges of PPD (postpartum depression) and battling my own extreme swing of emotions and helplessness.  I have an extremely supportive husband and a wealth of resources but I know at the end of the day the conditions are also real and I needed to get through this by curing my anxious mind and learning to relax.

Yesterday Jack-Jack had his follow-up appointment at the pediatrician for his injections and also check-up.  Long story short, the doctor told us that he's not really gaining enough weight and suggested that we supplement with formula right away.

I was in absolute shock since I thought finally we were getting breastfeeding right, he seems happily fed with more than enough of the recommended diaper output per day, and also we are just slowing starting to get the co-sleeping arrangements right.  The little confidence that was built was yet again shattered into pieces.  The "failure-to-thrive" diagnosis on Jack-Jack's medical receipt was like a verdict on me being an awful mother, a failed mother.

I frantically did more research and spoke to more people about breastfed baby weight gain in the afternoon post the visit and established a game plan to increase my milk supply.  But I couldn't help but wonder if my resistance to formula has actually ended up harming our baby.  Mic and I inevitably got into a heated debate about this.  I totally understand where he's coming from -- as a loving father who is not directly involved in the milk production and feeding, watching your stubborn wife insist on doing things the hard way and things still didn't work out the best for Jack-Jack --- I would be frustrated if I were him.  It didn't help me of course, but I know when both people are tired, busy, sleep deprived, don't really have time to communicate, and have different opinions on how to do things need to sort through this in a less than ideal way, not the calm discussion I wish we had time for, but a heated moment of fighting.  

I know we will get through this, but I couldn't help to think back to that research on freakanomics that mentions on couples with kids ended up less happy than couples without in the short term.   It is true that we have lost most of those calming loving moments for each other, in exchange for an extremely difficult task of raising a new human being together.

But I am also keeping the faith that we will get through this, with love, with hope, with strength from God.

Ear Plugs and Gina Ford

I realized the hardest part of being a mother is self-confidence.  I don't think my level of self confidence has ever been as low as now, and whatever that's been built up by a good day can be easily destroyed by other people's opinion, "kind suggestions", putting me back in the wavering camp again.

I had to first fight my confinement lady on the topic of pumping and giving the bottle in the first month as I was stubborn on complete breast feed, and now I am finally getting a better handle of breast feeding, the challenges of putting a baby to sleep and on a more regular schedule seems next.

I tried the on-demand feeding for the first four weeks.  The frequent night feeds actually don't really bother me that much, but I do have a real problem with hearing Jack-Jack cry for a long period of time and unable to settle him from the crying and putting him to sleep after a feed was really stressful.  Especially when this frequently happens between 11PM and 3AM.

I also came to the conclusion that 100% attachment parenting is not for me.  While I cannot agree with the militant Gina Ford approach, not having any structure in my day, losing all the "me" time and "us" time with mic, constantly tired, sometimes not even able to get up to go to the bathroom does take a toll on me.  So I am trying to slowly learn Jack Jack's cues of what he wants -- hunger, tiredness, need for stimulation/cuddle/comfort, and putting some structure to the day in a more gradual way. The realization came after another tiring night last week of unable to settle him for 4 hours, exhausted, cried (me, not Jack Jack), going through getting up to settle him (since my confinement lady was terrible at that!), and feeling like I couldn't take it anymore and started to put on ear plugs to go to sleep and feeling completely defeated and guilty.  After he eventually settled at 3AM, I lied awake until the morning, a thousand thoughts rushing through my mind, that I really need to do it not any other person's way but my own way.

The first try was quite successful.   We had a reasonable day to start.  I slowed down.  I followed my instincts.  Self confidence came back.

Then yesterday we had a substitute confinement lady, while I liked her a lot (she's able to settle Jack Jack down so easily, unlike my original lady), but she had a very pushy attitude towards pumping and kept on criticizing how I am not giving him enough milk, and my self confidence broke down again.

I had half a day to settle myself down, and a long chat with my aunt, and have to convince myself, that today is a new day.

It will be our day, me and Jack Jack.

I am not going to let anyone else unsettle my self confidence and mother instincts any more, not confinement lady, not Gina Ford, not Baby Whisperer.  It will be our way.

Full Moon Joys and Blues

The past four weeks really went by like a blur, I couldn't remember doing anything but eating, feeding, and sleeping.

After the initial "bliss" phase, we entered into real parenthood.

First the baby blues hit.

I had no idea I had so much tears, there are days I feel like I cried more than little Jack-Jack for no apparent reason (well, I know the reason is the hormone changes, I just didn't expect it to hit me!).  The combination of fatigue from the lack of solid continuous sleep, the initial struggle with breast feeding, the fact that I cannot seem to be able to shed the extra 10 kgs at all, and also feeling sweaty, dirty, and smelly from not being able to take a proper shower during the confinement period and the constant leaking of milk that makes everything you wear look funny.  I felt like an unattractive slob/milk machine with no life of my own in sight.   Also, no one/no books prepared me for the feeling of loneliness that hits after all the excitement, visitors, gifts start to fade away, the days became long and tiring, and lonely.  Even he's still cute as a button and I feel so much love for him, there are times I so crave that adult interaction, someone that can respond when I am talking, and even some tango.

Then the "schedule" debate -- Should we do the Gina Ford/cry it out method and put him on a schedule?  Should we feed on demand or at a three hour interval?  Should we introduce the bottle or do breast exclusively?  Should we let him sleep in the cot or in our bed?  There are no right or wrong answer to any of these questions.   Everyone's experience seem to lead to different advise.  Ultimately, as a new parent, you often just feel utterly helpless.  So many questions but no one can give you the right answer.  For someone who's used to "research leading to results", parenthood is just not something you can apply the same method on.  You have to take the time to learn who your child is, and adapt, adapt, adapt.

Breast feeding was also a big topic I struggled with for quite some time.  I was quite determined to breastfeed, but had no idea that new born babies eat so frequent, and so long.  There are days I feel I have been chained to a single position on the sofa or in bed for 2-3 hours at a time, barely able to fit in a bathroom break for myself.  I was worried at first that he was not latching properly, therefore leading to inefficient eating, and hence the long feeds.  After getting a lactation consultant in for a visit, I finally gave in to the idea to let babies be babies and stop having such high expectations, and just let him drink when he needs/wants to/feels like a nibble.  Even though that still needs to very sore arms (having to stay in the same position for a very long time), but at least it was easier on the mind to not keep on thinking about when the last feed was, how long it was, which side it was on etc.

I stopped analyzing.  Just do it is the more appropriate attitude.

And of course it seems impossible to fit in the time to even write a single blog post.  Last night we had our first "family dinner" -- mic and I sat at the dining table, I had baby strapped to my boobs feeding with the help of a sling -- it was quite a scene, I wish I had taken a picture of this ultimate multi-tasking ability I just learned.

And now I have to log off again.  Screaming baby needs attention.

10 Days of Bliss

So this is what bliss feels like.

The first 10 days of parenthood has been amazing.

The first five days we were very well taken care of at the hospital.  I know I complained about the Sanatorium before, but when it comes to service and oh my, the food, you get what you pay for at the Sanatorium for sure.  If it weren't for the policy towards my complications I would hands down recommend having a baby at the Sanatorium.  The nurses were very helpful, the doctors performed a smooth surgery and my c-section recovery has been going very well with me walking about quite normally by the 3rd day post operation (powerful painkillers played a key part).   I also looked forward to all my meals at the hospital and browsing through their 24 hour room service menu, even the plain congee tasted fabulous, a nice contrast to the rubbish I was eating the week before at Queen Mary.   There were some minor discomfort along the way, like the 24 hour non-stop itching as a side effect of the morphine injection, and the pain when my milk came in at day 3 that made me cry for the first time since the delivery.

However, the most important thing is how much I enjoyed every minute spent gazing down at little Jack Jack's face, feeling his steady breathing as he falls asleep against my chest after feeding.  Such special moments we shared together as a family, it brings a smile to my face at the thought of this little fragile being and giving him all the love I am capable of having.

Then the last 5 days we were back home.  It was always what I thought it should be like when we first bought the flat, to have a family in this tranquil special place for us.  With the confinement lady's help the transition back from hospital has been quite smooth as well.  I am very well taken care of with all the special food and drinks I am fed 4 times a day.  I washed my hair for the first time with a big tub of ginger water and felt human again.  The feeding took some time to establish but I am quite lucky with little Jack Jack being a pro at latching and my milk production plentiful.  Each day Mic takes a picture of little Jack Jack to watch the amazing progress of him growing.  He's already opening his eyes much more and he's been a really good and calm baby.

Week 37/ Oct 27- Jack Jack Arrives!

The morning of Oct 27, Saturday at 10:33am, Jean-Jacques ("Jack-Jack") Wan-Min-Kee joined the world.

I am still a little amazed and it all feels a bit unreal as I am holding my little bundle of joy, couldn't stop gazing into his eyes and smiling at his perfect little nose, mouth, ears, hands, feet....

The evening before the C-section I could barely sleep from the excitement, anxiousness, and nervousness.   It was also my last night at the Queen Mary hospital -- I am sure it was a fine hospital but it was not the world's best experience and the food and service were both rather disastrous, plus every night I had to bid my husband goodnight like I am still living in a school dorm room with a curfew and then spending the night alone.   My highlight at Queen Mary was on my third of fourth day, one of the nurses came by on a regular morning check holding her charts and asked if I had given birth the Friday before --- This was when I was still rather pregnant with a tummy you cannot miss, and weren't the nurses supposed to be on high alert to send the high risk vasa previa patient to the operating theater at the first sign of labor???  I had to laugh at how clueless the nurse was and was praying that nothing bad will ever happen at this hospital after I have clearly lost some faith in them after that incident.

Mic came to pick me up at 630AM for the transfer to Sanatorium Hospital.  Hong Kong is actually quite pleasant at 630AM on a Saturday morning, no traffic and the usual craziness.  It was a good and calm start to the day, I thought.  We arrived at our beautiful room (it is a strange way to describe a hospital room, but it was beautiful) overlooking the Happy Valley racecourse, and finished the paper work and prep for the operation scheduled at 10AM.

The procedure went rather smoothly.  I was fully conscious with the spinal block, just numb from the chest down, chatting with the doctor and mic during the procedure.  Mic was in the room getting ready for photos and holding my hand the whole time.  I am surprised that mic had the guts to look over the blue surgical screen although he knew his limits and came back to my side when he felt a bit nauseous.  It would not be good if he fainted before the baby arrives.  I told mic he's now truly seen a side of me that no one else has ever seen before -- including my organs that I have never seen myself.

Jack Jack came out at 10:33am with a loud cry, and my tears couldn't stop rolling down my face.  After all that we have been through, we have a baby finally.  Mic couldn't stop saying "He's beautiful.  He's just beautiful" as the doctors were pulling him out of me.  I couldn't see Jack Jack until they cleaned him up a bit and was swiftly put in the incubator to prevent heat loss.  It wasn't quite the birth I was expecting with the long skin-to-skin contact and bonding, but how I could I complain.  This is already everything we wished for and a healthy baby is in our hands, and we are thoroughly enjoying every second of the blissful parenthood.

Week 36: More Drama ?!

I thought we finally have the plan sorted out once and for all after our routine check up yesterday after all the back and forth, wait and see approach over the past few weeks -- the plan was to be admitted to the Sanatorium on Saturday this week, stay in the hospital for close monitoring for a week with delivery scheduled on Oct 26 at 37 weeks full term -- I have my bag half packed, thinking that I will have plenty of time to familiarize myself with the environment before little K is born in the same hospital, and ready to enjoy the last two nights at home with mic.

It felt good to have a plan, finally.

Today, the doctor called to tell me the Sanatorium hospital changed its policy for admitting vasa previa patients, so we have to come up with yet another alternative plan.

In short, I think the hospital doesn't want the liability of a vasa previa patient, so they have turned their last vasa previa patient away to the public hospital during the "observation/monitoring" phase and only admitting her back for the final scheduled c-section delivery.  They didn't want to handle the middle-of-the-night emergencies when you only have minutes to have the baby delivered safely so said it was in the patient's best interest to be somewhere else as they are not equipped to handle this.  Yet they still want to make $$ off of your delivery so you go back for the safe and easy stuff as in the final delivery if nothing bad has happened before.   I am sorry, but that is just so typical Hong Kong and so pisses me off.

I am also upset that my doctor has only found this out as he was sorting my admission out this week as opposed to being prepared for this weeks in advance.

I know we are becoming pros at adapting and altering our plans, but I actually hate change.

So the options the doctor gave me are  ---
1) stay at home and hope for the best until the scheduled c-section date  -- even my doctor think that's too risky and not wise
2) check in to the public hospital first this week and go back to the Sanatorium for the final delivery either Oct 24 or Oct 31 (these are the only dates they have an operating room available) --- that involves quite a bit of work to sort through but seems like the most likely outcome
3) deliver the baby tomorrow at the Sanatorium to avoid the risks all together -- I don't think I am mentally ready for him to come out tomorrow just yet.

Stay tuned.  There's never a dull moment in our pregnancy.

Mic vs Photographer

There's a reason people deserve to get paid for their work.  

And here's the difference between my weekly mug shot that mic takes

And some better pictures from the photographer ....

Polar Bear Habitat

The latest "nickname" mic gave me is Polar Bear.

Hong Kong's weather has cooled down considerably from the hot and muggy summer to the breezy fall.  However, I am still feeling perpetually hot like my body thermostat has broken down that I can no longer distinguish when it's really a bit warm or when it's just me.  I would have never turned on the air conditioner at night in mid October in the past (what a waste of $$!), but now I have it on at 23 degrees almost all day long, with the ceiling fan blasting, and still wearing a tank top and shorts.

One day mic came home from work found me in bed in the refrigerator like room and said "It's so cold in here.  Our home is like a polar bear habitat now."   I think the "hot mama" phenomenon is getting worse as the bun in the oven is more and more baked.

And if Hong Kong does have a poor polar bear around panting from the heat, I am happy to share my home with him.

Photo Shoot

We had a really fun session with the photographer at home this morning.

Given the delay in admission to the hospital, I was lucky enough to find someone on two day's notice to come and take some pictures of the pregnancy at home today.   It made me appreciate how much we love every corner of our home, and also thinking through all the little moments during the pregnancy I wanted us to remember.  It was also fun just putting on some make up and doing my hair so I am not feeling like a complete slob at home.

We'll hopefully get the photos in two weeks time before little K comes.  (And I will finally have some pictures other than the weekly mug shots mic took of me)

Week 35: Last Weekend

The doctor's visit this week went well.  Little K is still firming staying in the head down position, and he continues to be a super shy baby refusing to reveal his cute little face for us again.  However we did manage to get a glimpse of his profile while he was putting a finger into his mouth (how cute!).   Our doctor seemed confident that things are stable enough to delay my admission to the hospital by another week.  I feel like I am crying wolf now this is the third time I claimed this will be my final weekend at home, but then again I should not complain about the progress of the pregnancy going well despite the risk and the fact that we do get to enjoy the comfort of another couple of days being at home as opposed to the hospital.

I am getting another round of steroid shots (the effect of the last ones only last for 2 weeks) to help to mature the baby's lungs again this weekend, and then seeing the doctor again next Tuesday aiming for admission at some point after that.  Then, the final D date.

What should I do for the final weekend?

Maybe those long awaited belly shots with a photographer if I can get someone on such short notice to savour some nicer images of my final gigantic belly of carrying little K around (since the only pictures that mic has taken of me so far are weekly mug shots where I am standing on my side, mostly with my head cut off and just the belly, or a close up of what he suspected to be stretch marks on me -- I feel like I am in the nature program and mic is the photographer "documenting" the animal's behavior!).

Maybe it will just be like any other weekend in the last ten years, a lazy Sunday morning waking up to mic's itunes Sunday playlist and having a late brunch, before the baby's loud scream become our morning wake-up call.

The Name Challenge

Although we have the first name picked out (and for the record, it does not start with a K, little K means the "Kid", as referenced in an earlier post), the last name remains a challenge.

I find mic's name quite endearing and potentially career enhancing if you are a double spy -- I used to never be able to find mic when he's checked into a hotel on business trips, having to try about every single combination there could possible be with the hotel operator to locate his room (Mic Wan, Jean-Michel Wan-Min-Kee, Mic Wan-Min-Kee, Jean Wan, Jean-Michel Wan, Jean Wan-Min-Kee, Mic Kee, Wan Kee etc etc, the list goes on!)

But the poor man himself has endured a life time of hassle with his name, and wanted to see if there's a way that we can shorten the Mauritian trait of his last name to the real Chinese character Wan (溫) only.  Even though that means our family will bear three different last names, which can probably be confusing in itself, but at least little K may have an easier time in the future.  

However, after some research it seems that unless Mic decides to change his last name himself, little K won't be able to have a different name from the father, and that's obviously a big undertaking with all the legal records, bank statements, investment accounts etc.  So it looks like Wan-Min-Kee stays, or else maybe we should opt for Liu to save everyone the trouble?

Week 34: Someone Out There

As I approach the end of the my 34th week, and another follow up from the doctor's visit, I had to believe that someone up there is really looking out for us.

At the scan yesterday, little K turned his head downwards (no wonder I have been going to the loo every two hours!).   The doctor said as he's not in breach position anymore, the risk of his little legs kicking the membrane close to the cervix and breaking the water is less therefore reducing the risk of vasa previa implications, plus the cervix is firmly closed, so we can afford to delay checking into the hospital by a few days and enjoy the weekend at home.  Of course the doctor still thinks its risky for me to stay at home beyond 35 weeks so I think this will be last delay before I go lie down in a hospital for a few weeks.

The other thing is as the doctor was trying to scan for the fetal vessels on the membrane yesterday, it is a lot more difficult to confirm where the vessels are since the head is now obstructing the view, which the other two doctors were able to see a week ago clearly on the scan.  What that means is had we not been to the doctor two weeks ago for a regular check up, we could have missed seeing this condition completely.  The fact that there's actually a "window" where this condition could have been diagnosed, and I have been diagnosed during the window, is such a blessing.  

Everything seems to fall into place and happen for a reason, even though at the time every single condition seem to be such a scare for us -- the placenta previa led us to having a back up plan at Queen Mary Hospital, the Queen Mary doctor was extra careful and wanted to see me at fixed intervals in addition to my main doctor's visit, little K has been in breach position for the longest time allowing her to diagnose the vasa previa condition.... all of this, even though still is more drama than we had hoped, feels like more than a random set of events.  I whispered to myself how thankful I am for all the prayers that's been coming our way, it works!

We are certainly in the final count down stage with the arrival of little K at most 3 weeks away.  The baby room is ready, and all we need is little K!

Good and Evil

I had to whisper the mantra "you are not worthy of my time and anger" as I was getting out of the taxi tonight.

The taxi driver was so rude first he refused to come up the ramp of our driving lot that gets us directly to the lobby, and after pleading with my 8 month pregnant belly that it is a little difficult for me to walk up the stairs after coming from the hospital where he waited in line and have picked us up (while I thought that should have been so obvious to him), he reluctantly drove up complaining the entire time.  Then he left the meter running while I was getting money out to pay him, and after I paid him the exact amount, the meter jumped and he demanded the extra HK$2.  Out of principle and his attitude I refused to pay him the extra HK$2 that he did not deserve and slammed the door shut.

I am sure he was cursing something pretty bad, but then thankfully my Cantonese is not that good so I actually didn't understand a word he was shouting out and just tuned everything out and went up the lift to go home.

Hong Kong can be so annoying with these ridiculously rude people sometimes.

There is evil, but then there is also good.

The numerous times someone gave up a seat for me on the bus, in the taxi line, and on the MTR.  One bus driver even picked me up a little before the station and dropped me off not at the station but closer to where I needed to get off just to save me some walking.  Luckily, people that can empathize and have a heart, still exist, in a city where patience is generally non existent and not rewarded.

I should also not forget that I have been a receiver of so many acts of kindness, from people I don't know, from people I know, and from people I barely know.

A good friend from business school introduced me via email to a friend of hers who had the same condition as me (vasa previa) and successfully delivered her baby in Washington DC earlier this year despite much more severe complication symptoms with bleeding and hospitalization from 22 weeks onwards until the baby was born.  I joked that my friend ought to be buying the lottery ticket  -- what are the odds of her knowing two people with this condition in one year!  One of the HK doctors we saw only had two cases in his entire career.  I felt so warmed by her friend's kindness to offer her time to speak to me in length in such detail about her experience, things to look out for, and words of encouragement.

I know we don't have much control in the world we live in, but I will endeavor to do my part, to teach little K to be one of those people that will bring warmth to someone else's heart one day, and make the world a place with one more soul of good than evil.

Little K's Future Food Supply

I almost forgot to record one of the more positive aspects of pregnancy -- my larger than life boobs. Something I could only dream of having in the past, now is sitting firmly above my bulging bump.  The airplane runway finally turned into Bay Watch.

However, with the size of the belly growing bigger, in comparison the boobs are starting to look less and less impressive.   Also, I realized how uncomfortable having big boobs actually is.  It's heavy, makes you hunch over like Quasimodo, and any of the bras that actually provide enough support looks anything but sexy, with shoulder straps wider than a highway and makes me feel like an old grannie wearing some 15th century clothing.   The other slightly embarrassing fact is combined with the radiator body temperature, I constantly have a sweat patch under my boobs, since the boobs actually touch the tummy when you are not sitting up straight.  Mic said I could win the alternative wet t-shirt contest now (if they determine the winner by the strangest natural wet t-shirt spots).

I find that I am looking at my own pregnant body more "function" driven than the radiating beauty that those black and white belly portraits in magazines portray (and I don't think I have time to arrange any artistic shots that if I am going to the hospital next week, plus mic continues to think they are very silly), so I guess these larger than life boobs will have to be content with the role of only being little K's future food supply.

Sept 24 -- Last Day of Work

Yesterday turned out to be my last day at work.

I wasn't exactly expecting that but the doctor's visit my main OB confirmed the plan that I should be getting steroid shots end of this week (week 33) to mature the baby's lungs, and admitted to the hospital end of next week (week 34) to be observed for when the best timing is for C-section, but aiming at some point 35/36 weeks for now.  It looks like we may have avoided a Scorpio baby after all, but then again I stopped caring for the star signs, the auspicious Chinese calendar dates -- I just want him out alive and healthy.

The good news is my doctor had dealt with 3 cases of vasa previa before, and 2 of them made it to 37 weeks full term, so he still thinks if we monitor closely there's a chance that little K will be born healthy just like the others he delivered before.  The last case apparently was diagnosed at birth and also turned out okay so my doctor was proudly telling us he has not lost a baby because of this condition.   In any case he doesn't think I should be at work and I had to agree with him -- with all this going on in my head and the emotional stress, I am surprised that I could even function at work some times.

The next time I am back in the office would be sometime in 2013 if all goes well after my 4 month maternity leave.

I didn't really say my goodbyes since the circumstances so sudden and condition so personal, I didn't share it with the "just colleagues" people but just my bosses and a few friends at work, and still had to nod and smile to people in the lift who congratulated me and asking me how things are going or when I was due.

This is it.  No more blackberries, no more heels and suits (well, I haven't been able to fit in either for a long time), no more banker cynicism, no more charts and presentation.  I am ready to be a mother, so bring it on.

Week 33: Fat Fingers

For the first time in 11 years, I will no longer be wearing my engagement ring.

Yesterday after dinner, I almost cut off the entire blood supply of my finger attempting to take off my ring.  In the end soapy water helped to solve the problem and left me with a finger in tact, but I didn't want to have to repeat the same episode every night, so the ring is going to the safe now, and back out when my finger returns to its normal size.

Other than my finger, apparently my arms are also getting bigger (so my dear husband tells me).  I really am not gaining that much weight in the third trimester so far, so I am blaming it all on the water retention that's making me look puffy and fat.  

While I am on the topic of mic pointing out all of my body parts that are getting bigger, he said to me the other day trying to help me get off my bed that I resembled a "beached whale", but then added the sentence that if I am a whale then he is like those Green Peace guys that help the whale.  I don't know to cry or to laugh.  Now I have learned to play along with the joke and calls the Green Peace troop HK rep to get me off the bed, off the sofa, massage the sore back and leg cramps, and even cut the toe nails I can no longer reach.  

It's not that bad being a whale, I am kinda liking my dedicated Green Peace dude.

Surprise Baby Shower

Mic and our friend Laura planned an amazing surprise baby shower last night.

I had no idea why mic was pushing me to take a shower in the evening since I have been in bed all day with my PJ's trying to get over this nasty flu that refuses to go away.  Until Laura showed up at the door with the cake boxes I realized my stubbornness to not take a shower was probably not a great idea and I wasn't going to be spending the evening alone curled up at the couch with my hot honey lemon drink.

They put together the event in two days apparently -- another thing that got expedited with my vasa previa condition since I might be in the hospital soon.   The evening was a small gathering of friends, with beautifully laid out canapes and good conversation.   I felt blessed with such amazingly beautiful friendships in life and touched so deeply in my heart -- all those that cried with me, laughed with me, went all the way to Hokkaido temple to buy me a 安產御守 (good luck charm for a safe birth), those that emailed, texted me from overseas to tell me that I am in their daily prayers and thoughts, those that encouraged me, wiped away my tears, and kept me strong.

The celebration, however, was bittersweet.

After just coming back from anther doctor yesterday afternoon, being told that the case was so rare I was the second one the doctor has ever encountered, and the risk so great if there is any fetal bleeding from the vasa previa most likely there will be nothing the doctor can do to save little K's life.  So all the bed rest and hospitalization recommendations were merely other doctors' way to show you they have tried to do something, but in reality the line between life and death is just a few minutes, unless I am already on an operating table, even the 15 mins to get me to the operating table while I am already in the hospital is not enough.  I sort of know that already from these two days of reading on the web, speaking to doctors but it still weighs a thousand pounds when someone with a medical degree says it out loud.

I am so afraid, afraid that I am getting my hopes up too high that I will see little K's face, hear his first cry in my arms, that every little sock, tiny hat, cute outfit, every gift, every memory of us trying to celebrate the arrival of him will be just too painful to bear if we don't make it that far.

My tears roll down with that thought of doubt, fearing I am not strong enough to even believe he will join our family, but the pain of fear was unbearable, and I couldn't stop that thought of doubt.

Mic said we should celebrate, no matter what happens, we should celebrate that have made it this far.  And yes, my dear little K, we should celebrate the miracle of life, watching you grow from that 4-cell embryo into a strong baby that makes those strong little kicks and brings a smile to our face, to the cute little face with that handsome little nose.  We should celebrate all the ups and downs you bring to our life, and the moments that you remind us how we are so blessed.

And yesterday, little K, you reminded mommy that I am so blessed with wonderful friendships, one of the greatest reasons that makes life worth living on earth.

Flu

For the first time in eight months, I didn't feel hot but felt cold.

I knew something wasn't right on Wednesday when I didn't feel having the office air-con blasting on me was a good feeling, and that very afternoon I started to have a watery nose, sore throat, followed by a low fever.

Luckily this is the first time (and hopefully the only time) I fell ill during this pregnancy.  Not being to have any drugs help you tame the symptoms clearly makes recovery a little less comfortable.  I was never the type to rely too much on drugs, so the course of recovery is not that different from how I would normally handle a flu - lots of fluid, and lots and lots of sleep seemed to always work.    Last night I woke up at 4am from a completely blocked sinus and inability to breathe, and decided to sleep sitting upright on the sofa instead.  Mic was so sweet and followed me, made me a hot lemon honey, and insisted on sleeping on the sofa so he can make sure I was okay.   With this level of care and attention, it will be a crime not to get better soon.

Alternative Plans

I tossed and turned all night.  

I stopped googling and reading about the condition.  Reading the losses just makes the fears worse.  I thought I was getting better at this, but I am still just a weak weak soul filled with fear.  Vasa previa has a 50- 90% infant mortality rate if not dealt with properly.   The thought that I could lose little K right at the finish line just makes me lie wide awake in the middle of the night, breaking out with cold sweet and tears.

Of course knowing is better than not knowing.  At least now we know, we have to make alternative arrangements and I may need to spend the next 4-6 weeks in a hospital, a little longer and earlier than I had anticipated, but at least we know the risk can be managed if we have the medical team on alert and me being in a medical facility is as close to managing the risk best we can.

I thought I could leisurely set up the baby room now that we finally no longer have occupying guests for the guest room, I had plans for putting up the cute safari wall stickers I got, putting the little clothes and stuffed animals in place, and was even planning on getting some belly photos taken in the new nursery once I get it done but now all of that seems not so important any more.  I just want little K to come out healthy and well, even if the room is just bare walls with a cot.

Getting into execution mode, I started to make arrangements to transition my roles at work a month earlier to the team, thinking about what I need to pack for the hospital stay, and also getting a few doctors lined up both for the care of me and the pediatrician for little K since he might come out pre-mature rather than the 38 week full term date we had scheduled.   The to-do list gets longer, the time seems so compressed.   It seems that long before becoming a parent we already have to learn to deal with the sudden changes and things constantly forcing us to be flexible and make alternative plans.

Mic is so strong throughout this process I often wonder if he needs to let out any tears like me before he can stay strong for us.  I am so blessed to have such an amazing husband, who stands by me like a rock, and I know that through the waves and tides, that I have all the love, support, prayers to keep me strong and standing tall.

Week 32: Previa Queen

I guess I should be called the "Previa Queen".

After the "placenta previa", I now have what's called "vasa previa", which is a very very rare condition (1:2500 reported cases) where the fetal blood vessel crosses the entrance to the birth cannel.  In my case, it's on the membrane in between my two placenta lobes and right by the cervix (about 0.7 cm away).   At the routine exam with the doctor today, she sat me down in that ever so serious face that I can just tell I am about to be hit with some bad news.

She's suggesting early hospitalization since that's the best prevention or way to deal with the situation, essentially an emergency c-section within 15 mins with bleeding or leaking water.   She was concerned that even though my home is 15 mins away from the hospital may not be fast enough to deal with the situation unless I am actually in the hospital for the doctors to operate on me literally right away, otherwise the baby's life is at risk.   The good thing is all else seems to be going well, baby is developing well, now at close to 2kg, and moving like a rock star.

Since she's my "back-up" doctor at Queen Mary hospital, I also need to speak to my main doctor and get a few opinions about what to do.  Reading up on the websites it seems that most people are hospitalized in the third trimester and having a c-section at 35 or 36 weeks.

I cried a little.  It's hard not to worry.  At the same time I continue to pray, that God has sustained me and little K this far, and he will not give up on us now.

 

I officially outweigh my husband

Stepping on the scale in the morning, I am officially heavier than Mic.

Considering there is at least another 7-8 weeks to go, I wonder what the final weeks will bring.  The backache is on just about 20 out of the 24 hours in a day (and the four hours when I don't feel it is probably when I am sleeping in between getting up to pee a million times at night), and all the physiotherapy, massage seems to only offer very very temporary relief.   But all of this weight indicates that little K is gaining strength inside, as evidenced by his stronger and stronger kicks that I feel all the time now.

Of course some of this weight inevitably is on me -- I am certainly aware of how big my face looks in all the photos now and have to do some screening before mic is allowed to download them onto our computer.

He said to me the other night while we were both at awe with how big my belly is now, "I think your thighs are also getting thicker"...  Not a smart move, my dear.  You try strapping on a 10 kg bowling ball to your abs and see if your thighs will grow bigger.

Week 31: We have a date!

There are two meanings to a "date".

First, Mic is super sweet and started to initiate our "weekly date night", where we dress up a little, find a nice restaurant, and spend an evening just the two of us.  He did it so we have a little time to ourselves while his parents are still staying with us in Hong Kong, but I hope this will be good practice before little K joins the family to remind us that we still need time for each other and will continue even after he arrives.  We had two dates so far and other than the fact that they start at 630pm and end before 9pm to accommodate the sleepy and tired pregnant lady, it's been great.

Second, it's "THE" date of little K's birth -- So this week's regular check up, the doctor has scheduled us in for a C-section at 38 weeks.   He said the placenta situation has improved, and now it's just the membrane in between my big and small placentas that's covering the cervix but not the placenta itself (don't ask me how it managed to split into two!  My strange placenta has a mind of its own, clearly -- from deciding to split from the uterus temporarily at week 7, to covering the cervix at week 22, to now splitting into two!?), so the risk of bleeding is somewhat reduced.  The cord is still close to the cervix and there's still a chance of rupture, but any bit of good news is good news, and we walked out of the doctor's office feeling like the day is just a little bit brighter.

And with that, instead of aiming for the 37 week mark and the "wait-and-see" approach, the doctor is now targeting a date during week 38 instead for the procedure.  He asked us if we had a date in mind -- I honestly never thought about being able to determine the birth date of our child, and was hoping he would sort of determine his own timing of coming to this world, but now that he asked, I wonder if I should check the Chinese calendar just in case.

Also, I guess there's no way of avoiding a Scorpio boy (even though I was again secretly hoping for a different star sign), so it will be the early November that we will get to meet him for the very first time.

Week 30: Hot Mama

Unfortunately not like how you might think the title suggests, the last thing I feel right now is the "attractive" type of hot, instead it is this constant radiator like heat coming from my body, together with the Hong Kong heat and humidity, making it just a little harder for these final months.

My air-con at home is always blasting at 23 degrees and yet I still feel the urge sometimes to strip naked and stand in front of an open fridge door to cool down (disclaimer: I haven't actually done that yet).   Luckily even according to the Chinese medicine wisdom once you are at the eighth month mark it is okay to consume foods with the "cool/cold" nature so I can finally have that juicy watermelon I have been eyeing for the last few months, not to mention I have long ignored the advise of not eating anything cold and chowed down ice cream and cold drinks for a few weeks already.

The most amusing thing is when I am up at 3am every night for my usual n+ times bathroom break that I see mic curled up under the sheet fully covered and wrapped in blankets while I am sleeping on top of all the sheets, still panting and reaching for the remote to turn on the ceiling fan.  This was such a contrast to me being the one that's always cold, and mic being the one that's always hot -- I guess with this role reversal I can finally sympathize with him and he can finally sympathize with me in the past.

Strange what hormones can do to you.

Risk Management

So while I still have my placenta precvia, we have learned from the doctor I also have a "marginal insertion of the cord".   What that means is the cord is attached to the edge of the placenta, which also is very close to the cervix and has a higher risk of rupture which can be very dangerous for the baby because that means when I bleed, the baby may be bleeding, too.  Of course the poor little thing doesn't have much blood to drain so one of the older doctors we saw seem to highlight that to be more of a risk (and a more rare case of high risk pregnancy) than the placenta situation and requires an experienced doctor who will be very quick with the c-section.

The good news is now that we are so used to this kind of news and more medical terms thrown at us, as long as it falls in the category of "there's nothing we can do about it", we have really sort of learned to let it go, and file it under the risk management part of our brain.  The bottom line is, any type of bleeding with me will be an emergency and we just need to be quick in getting to the hospital and leave the rest up to God and the medical team that will be looking after me and little K.

The high risk pregnancy does make me appreciate every passing day with a little more awareness about the blessings we have each day.  Sometimes, the blessing can be as small as "we have made it through another day with no sign of bleeding", and when that involves the risk of life and death, even that can be huge.

I have also came to terms with the fact that everyone's pregnancy is just different.  Unfortunately I don't have the luck to be like one of my colleagues who was still hopping around in her high heels around 38 weeks in the office and leave on a Friday from work for a delivery on Saturday and the whole process just seems like a breeze.

But I am also convinced that every thing in life happens for a good reason.  There are good lessons and takeaways for me to learn --- I had to slow down, I had to let go, I had to trust, I had to pray, and I had to thoroughly embrace the fact that I have been blessed to bear a life in my womb we have been looking forward to for so long despite all the physical discomforts of pregnancy.

The next milestone is week 34, which is the point when my doctor seem to think I can deliver at my originally booked private hospital as then the intervention related to pre-mature babies are a lot less and we don't need the public hospital ICU anymore, and of course the best is if we can make it to 37 or 38 weeks for my scheduled c-section safe and sound.  As with all risk management strategies, we always hope everything is just for back-up, and that black swan scenario would never ever happen.

ps.  we finally saw the first rendering of little K's 3D face yesterday, and he has a handsome little face! :)

Week 29: Nesting

First, I have made it past week 28!

As the count down continues, the mix of feelings between excitement, anxiousness, plus a little bit of fear are all coming together.  I think my hormones have been rather kind to me (and to mic) so I haven't had many episodes of extreme mood swings, but as they say in all the books about "nesting instincts", the number one anxiety I have is the fact that I feel rather anxious to set up our home for little K's arrival.   I have already been converting all of our house cleaning methods away from chemical based stuff to natural solutions, and the next step is to set up the baby room.  The anxiety is compounded especially with the medical risks that I have adding more uncertainty to the timing, and I feel the energy drifting away every day as the third trimester comes and I am back to the half comatose state every day.

Thanks to the fact that I am having little K following so many of my friends' footsteps, I have been a great beneficiary of hand-me-downs.  Not only did I not have to buy any maternity clothing, little K will also be using cots, strollers, clothes, tubs from big brothers and sisters he will soon have a chance to meet.  They are now pretty much all collected and PILED in our living room extension area.  I had to draw the curtains constantly just so the sight of untidiness doesn't bother me.

The reason we haven't been able to set up the room yet is because my mother-in-law is back in HK again this year and spending an extended period with us -- the main reason mic has left work for two months this summer.  My father-in-law will be joining us in 2 weeks time for another week so it's a total period for about 6 weeks that we don't have our home to ourselves.  During this time we won't have the space to clear out and set up little K's room.  And if the past pattern indicates future performance, the consumption power of these two are quite unparalleled, so our place will also need to be a temporary storage for them until they pack all their goodies back home.  (MORE stuff PILED UP!)

I admire mic for having the heart and spending the time to do this for his parents, and I wanted to be the wife that's fully supportive, but at the same time the selfishness just creeps back into my heart constantly.   I am so wanting to have a bit of time for just the two of us before little K comes and before I get too big and tired, because the next time we will have that time for each other might be 20 years from now?  I am also so wanting to set up our home properly before I run out of energy (and that feels like an hourglass with the hole for the sand to go through suddenly widened while I watch it happen with zero control over my draining energy, kind of like superman meeting kryptonite).  And with all this going on in my mind and body I have to try to hide the impatience I am getting to be a proper host.

I started to think -- we all have multiple roles we are fulfilling in life.  We have had the luxury of our family being relatively healthy and independent the past decade, so we have pretty much concentrated on just being ourselves and playing the "husband" and "wife" role, but probably less so the "son" or "daughter" role.  In the future, in addition to taking on the new roles of being a "mother" and a "father", there will probably be more demands on our time as "sons and daughters" as our parents age as well.  Perhaps the "us" time era is long gone already, I just haven't had the courage to face it.  Also as new parents ourselves, we are inevitably shaping little K's surroundings and life by the roles that we choose to pay more attention to.  I, for one, had an amazingly close relationship with my grandmother, and if I don't provide little K with the environment with my in-laws, I am simply depriving him of that opportunity to even build that relationship.

All this reflection aside, I still really really want to have our flat back to set up the room!

Week 27: Quiz

Question:  What looks like a whale but moves like a penguin?

Answer: Me

*******

The growth that is anticipated in the coming third trimester seems to have happened on me, already.  I am sure the baby is growing leaps and bounds which is exciting, since my one and only goal these days is to fatten him up to lessen the risk if he decides to come out early.  That being said, the weight I feel in my mid section, the backaches, the tossing and turning at night, the leg cramps, etc etc, are the side effects of the growth.  And just when you think there's no way your body mass can expand further, you know it will, because there's a solid three more months to go where little K will triple his weight.  I already feel like a whale and walk around waddling like a penguin.

Little K is now estimated to be 1kg already!  (Oops, that means the other 8 kgs I gained is all on me!).

Yesterday we visited the public hospital in Hong Kong, so now we are finally registered in Queen Mary Hospital in case of an emergency.  The system was so confusing I almost lost it at the nurse who was trying to cancel my appointment with the private clinic doctor within the public hospital without my permission.  Her bad English and my bad Cantonese that got in the way of our communication certainly didn't help.  We left home at 830AM, and after running around 3 different locations in 3 hours, we finally saw a doctor at 1130AM.

At least the visit finally gave me some clarity on the system that had confused and frustrated me so -- now I understand that :

1. There is the public system and the private system within a public hospital, you have to elect one and stick with it, and you are only allowed to switch once, if you ever choose to.  The difference if obviously cost and level of service, but given my gracious insurance plan I am certainly opting for service over cost;

2. Both systems can offer shared care with my primary physician, so that means in case of an emergency before 34 weeks I can deliver at Queen Mary where someone has my record and can look after me appropriately and after 34 weeks I can go with my original plan of delivery at the Sanatorium (even though my own doctor was originally trying to convince me that was not the case, and only being in the public side can the public hospital be a back-up plan)

3.  Relationship ("Guan-Xi") matters -- In the case of the private side of the public hospital, the doctor actually has the right to refuse your case and kick you back to the public system, so you either really have to pull some strings or your case better be "interesting" enough for the doctor.   Fortunately or unfortunately my placenta did not disappoint --- first the previa and now a new emerging fact that it has sort of become two with a main one on the right side and a little satellite on the left with a membrane connecting the two,  I am not quite sure what that means yet but it seems to require close monitoring and something that would arouse the interest of a doctor who's looking for something interesting instead of the normal boring pregnancy cases with no complications.  The other lucky factor for us was we were only able to get this appointment not through the help of my own doctor but the second opinion I sought in Hong Kong and a very helpful doctor that has kindly written a personalized referral letter.  For that reason I am actually really upset at my own doctor for not being helpful at all in the process, but again I heard he's an excellent surgeon so I will have to overlook his lack of communication skills and bed side manners and trust that he will be a good person to perform a C-section on me if I make it past 34 weeks.

So all in, we have made some progress navigating the system and successfully have a plan in the case of an emergency.  Again I hope all of this will just be a back-up plan we will never have to pull the trigger on.

Week 26: Finish Line in Sight

We made it safely back to Hong Kong after the Taiwan trip and settled back at home in Hong Kong, where we will be staying put until little K's arrival.

Week 28 is the first milestone I have in mind, and we are two weeks away from that goal - that is when pre-term babies have a much better chance of survival.  Of course the longer he wants to stay inside the better, but at least the risk is already much reduced at that stage.

Of course with the end of the second trimester approaching, the word "comfortable" seems to be further away from the reality of pregnancy.  I am already feeling my lower back aches, and the weight of my tummy seems to be pushing down on all the internal organs whatever their positions are at this point.  Sleep continues to be a problem but at least I am able to catch up on my rest during the day with the flexible work arrangement I have.  

Little K is so active now I often wonder what sort of performances he is actually putting up in my belly, I feel him left right and center sometimes all at the same time -- I wonder if I am actually carrying an octopus?

The other bit of good news is at the doctor's visit yesterday we discovered my stubborn placenta didn't seem so stubborn afterall, it did move slightly to the right side.  Even though it still covers the cervix and would still be considered a placenta previa, but the condition has certainly improved compared to 4 weeks ago when it even seemed impossible to the doctors that the placenta will move away at all.  Let's hope the expanding uterus keeps pulling it further up, up and away!  While the risk persists, I am allowed very little activity under mic's watch.  I had no idea mic would be so conversative!  Even walking on the slopes where the surface is not quite flat is frowned upon.  Sometimes I feel my energy being trapped all inside, dying to be doing something more active, but again, mic has a good point -- with the finish line so close in sight, why take the risk?

Pablo the Pillow

There is an important member that has helped to make my sleep at night as comfortable as can be during this pregnancy and is worth a special mention -- Pablo.  Even though Pablo is big and tall, we still decided to bring him to the Taipei trip with us.  Pablo also has a new little friend called Tracey.  Pablo and Tracey share the bed with me and mic every night since we had them.

To cut the suspense, Pablo, aka, the pillow, is the nickname I gave to my pregnancy body pillow (since I am missing my tango so much, I decided to give the pillow a Spanish name so I am embracing Argentine tango in my dreams!).  Recently I have also added to the sea of cushions a triangle shaped pillow (named Tracey) to be placed right under my big belly for added support.   

It is getting more difficult to get comfortable at night.  Sleeping on my back cuts off some type of blood supply that I ended up with a numb leg, so I had to try to stay on my side as much as possible.  Some help is required since sleeping on my side is also getting harder with the belly pulling my body into an odd shape that hurts my back, and I am sure it will only get worse as I get bigger over the next few months.  Pablo and Tracey helps, but every single time i switch sides it involves moving all the pillows around me which inevitably means I am somewhat awake after rearranging all the pillows.

I guess this is good practice before little K comes since I probably won't be able to sleep through the night when that day comes. And for the time being, at least I am glad Pablo and Tracey makes the night a little more bearable.

Week 24: Blessed

Mic and I just completed our little mini-holiday around the east coast of Taiwan.   I cannot help but feel so blessed.

First, the 10 days went by like a blast, we enjoyed the beautiful scenery of Taiwan and experienced my home land in a way I have never experienced before -- these are places I have not been for over 15 years, and some spots I have never been ever.   The trip worked out perfectly.  We did it in a leisurely way, driving and stopping when we felt like it, stayed at a variety of  interesting BnB's, and saw the mountains, ocean, gorge, plains of rice patties, hot spring and cold spring, you name it!  

Second and most importantly, despite all the preparation of finding out the nearest hospitals along the way before the trip in case we needed any emergency stops turned out to be just good back-up plans we never had to use.   I am now approaching the end of my 24th week and little K seems to be doing well since I feel him kicking stronger than ever and we are one step closer to the 28th week milestone when premature babies have a better chance of survival.

Of course we took the trip super easy given all the doctor's advise to not attempt anything strenuous -- mic was like a strict parent policing every single activity I do, especially in his mind I have a tendency to overdo things -- I am not allowed under the sun so he always has an umbrella over my head, I am fed water and food at fixed intervals, I am not allowed to walk for more than 30 mins without any rest.  I joke at his strict rules taking away some of the fun since we had to forgo much of the possible activities along the way, but I also felt an immense amount of love from my husband for me and little K. 

Every morning I wake up I am still very thankful for the fact that I have not started bleeding and little K is still inside and growing, and the extreme fear over the condition 2 weeks ago has slowly subsided and I seem to have found peace to deal with it better.  

Tomorrow mic will be going back to Mauritius for 9 days so this will be the first time we will be apart since the start of my pregnancy.  Unfortunately with my condition there is no way I can afford the risk to be on an 11-hour flight so I cannot go with him.  I guess compared to the many HK mothers who had to go to the ultrasounds alone while their husbands are on business trips, I have yet another reason to feel blessed -- I have a husband who is by my side all the time, we enjoy each other's company so much that even being apart for 9 days feels like a long time after 10 long years of marriage.

Do Not Worry

Acceptance doesn't come that easy.  Once in a while the fear comes in a overwhelming way, bringing me to a wailing state of tears of the worst case scenario.   No amount of research, doctor's opinion can bring any comfort on what is the absolute right thing to do now, and the risk is like a ticking time bomb.  For the first time in my life, I am afraid of the potential loss of my life, my baby, and even my uterus that will prevent us from ever having another child.

I also had to make the decision of whether the trip to Taipei, leaving in a few hours, in still on.   Debating the factors that I really wanted to see my grandmother, really wanted a vacation (I know thinking about having fun should be the last thing on my mind now), and that Mic will be in Mauritius for 10 days after our scheduled Taiwan vacation to pick up his mother to live with us in HK for a month and I did not want to be home alone during that time, vs the risk of anything bad happening on that 1.5 hour flight.   Should I take a chance?  Should I trust that things will be okay?

And I turned to God.

Not being to really call myself a Christian, but I have been an active "searcher" for some time.  I find comfort in reading the words of prayers.  At times of difficulty (the first trimester and now), I call on all my friends who I thought have a better "direct line" to God for prayer support, and for some reason that always calm me down.   These times offer the opportunity of a deep reflection of life and faith, and maybe this is my chance to start to build that relationship with Him that I haven't been able to in the past.

Just as I was debating in my own head of this decision to travel, I read in a daily passage ---

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, it empties today of its strength".

I concluded my day by thanking God for another day of a fulfilled life, another day for little K to be growing and kicking up a storm like he's having a disco party in my tummy.  And I will not worry, I trust that God has a path for us, will provide for us the strength that I need to leave my worries behind, bit by bit, day by day, to count my blessings and leave the rest in His good hands.


在神沒有憂慮這種事

所以我告訴你們，不要為生命憂慮，喫甚麼，喝甚麼；也不要為身體憂慮，穿甚麼。…你們看天空的飛鳥，牠們既不種，也不收，又不收積在倉裡，你們的天父尚且養活牠們。你們不比牠們貴重麼？（馬太福音六25~26）

你可以這樣禱告：主耶穌，我是你國度的子民，有你神聖的生命和性情，這生命是一個沒有憂慮的生命。主阿，我天然的生命是憂慮的生命，但你的生命卻是享受、安息、安慰和滿足的生命，在你沒有憂慮這件事。主耶穌，我若憂慮，就得罪你，所以我不要讓憂慮霸佔我；藉著活你、享受你，我就能從憂慮得著釋放！

Week 22: Curve Ball

Just as I thought everything was going well as can be, I get thrown a curve ball.

Two days ago I was diagnosed of a grade 4 placenta previa (胎盤前置).   It is a condition where the placenta is placed at the lower part of the uterus (as opposed to the top in a normal pregnancy) and covering the cervix completely, in some cases it moves up as the pregnancy progresses, in my case the doctor said it is very unlikely given how low the placenta is at week 22.  The implications are no chance of a natural birth (so all my pre natal yoga classes and those birthing squats I have been doing clearly are going to waste other than the feel good factor), and the chances of significant bleeding and severe blood loss, pre-term birth are all quite real.  In most cases even upon delivery of the baby if you are lucky enough to carry this through to full term still requires the procedure to be done in a major medical facility where they have enough blood in the bank to deal with the potential blood loss for the mother.

The doctor said there's nothing you can really do to treat the condition, but the only thing is to understand what to do when the bleeding does occur, which simply put, is to go calmly to the ER right away.  I have been advised to stay in low activity mode (no to little exercise), no travel (or basically staying close to a medical facility), and hope for the best.

It was really quite a shock to us so I spent all of yesterday doing my research, getting second opinions from doctors, and going from panic to anger (it's hard not to get angry dealing with the public hospital, which is the only facility capable of treating my condition in HK now, as private hospitals don't have a baby ICU for pre-term babies and also not enough blood for any major blood loss scenarios), and finally back to acceptance.   By the end of the day I was in a calm enough place to joke with mic that when the doctor said this case sometimes leads to the death of the mother if the blood loss becomes very severe and cannot be stopped, so we should prepare to have an oncologist on standby in case you need to take the uterus out to stop the bleeding, the first thought that crossed my mind was "oh no, I still haven't done up my will yet! should get a lawyer and get on the case ASAP" while mic was thinking about how to look for an oncologist.   Clearly our minds function in such different ways.

Things were going so well --- I am filled with energy (relatively speaking of course), mic and I just had a great celebration of our 10th wedding anniversary and was reminded of such wonderful relationship and memories we have created and shared together, even our maid's cooking has become so good over the last few months and was a pleasant surprise.  I felt so blessed in our lives with all the abundance of love and joy and everything we need.  Now with this diagnosis I felt the darkest cloud hanging over me, placing a shadow over everything.

I had to remind myself that nothing really has changed.  This is just one of those things that reminds me yet again how little we ultimately are in control of our lives, especially the important stuff like life and death.  We can only submit to that fact and be humble and count our blessings for the days that we are given, one day at a time.

Our life, was exactly the same three days ago before the diagnosis and now.  Nothing bad has happened other than a known risk that seems very real and the fear in our hearts has grown to take over from the happy thoughts.  It's a mind game, and to fight the instinct of fear and sorrow is the only winning strategy.

Just as every single breath was a miracle in life before, it still is, just even more so when you are reminded that nothing we have is permanent.  I am praying for the best outcome of course, that the placenta will move away and I will be shown a miracle, that I will be blessed to carry this baby to the full term, and that I will survive all of this and raise a happy child together with mic.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers also.

Week 21: Return of the 大胃王

Just as the kicks are unmistakeable from Little K, like a truly pregnant lady, my appetite has also returned in an epic manner.

On Saturday we had brunch with our friends L and A, after ordering the milkshake, the four egg omelette, and a daily soup, I still wanted the burger on the menu.   I held back knowing that would probably be just a little too much food in the end, but the desire to eat everything under the sun, all the time, was a nice contrast to life in the first trimester.

As a result, I am also finally back in the kitchen.  After having relied on our helper for the past few months, I am finally able to organize the food and the menu at home, and teach her new dishes to make again.  

My weight gain has been steady so far, trying carefully to manage so the stretch marks don't appear that easily, and also the yoga, swimming, walking probably also helped to burn off some of those extra calorie intakes.  

The only thing that remains an issue is my sleep --- the insomnia continues at some point during the night.  I can't remember the last time I closed my eyes at night and woke up in the morning!   Now the reasons that keeps me up includes little K having a dance party in my belly in the middle of the night kicking up a storm, my gassy stomach from the food I eat, the heaviness in the belly makes every single position uncomfortable, not to mention moving and rearranging a sea of pillows on the bed whenever I have to change sides to sleep on.   Maybe that Hong Kong milk tea I drank in the afternoon was also not the smartest idea I had, while it tasted great, it sure kept me buzzed for a long time and may have contributed to the fact that I tossed until 4AM and still up 7AM this morning...

Thank God it's a public holiday today.

Kicks

I was 100% sure it was a kick.

It was no longer a suspicion of a vague feeling but a visible little thump on the tummy.   It happened at around 4pm while I was in the office and I quickly sent Mic an SMS telling him we can now play "whack a mole" with little K (of course he said he doesn't want to think of little K as a mole!).  That same evening after dinner while resting on the sofa, I put mic's hand on my tummy and we both felt the next kick.

Such a strange but wonderful feeling to be able to feel a new little life growing inside your body.

Week 20: 50% Complete

It's hard to believe that time still flies even when you are feeling bloated, hot, fat, heavy, and facing insomnia almost every other night, I am now at the start of my 20th week.

Things are going well -- my energy level consistently improves so I am much more productive at work (don't need to sneak out for an afternoon nap anymore), and also trying to keep up with some regular exercise with my twice-a-week prenatal Yoga classes and occasional pilates, I even managed to go swimming for the first time last week.   The plan for traveling back to Taiwan in July is also set -- my last trip before the arrival of little K.  I booked tickets, researched BnBs, and will be spending our last "just-the-two-of-us" holiday with Mic on the beautiful East Coast of Taiwan, which I haven't stepped foot on for almost 15 years and is totally excited about seeing my beautiful home country in a brand new way with Mic.

The book says little K's ears are developed enough that he can hear us now, so Mic has started a routine by saying "早，我是你的爸" to my belly every single morning (he said he wanted little K to recognize his voice when he comes out). It always makes me burst out laughing but also so endeared by how Mic shows his love.

I think I felt little K moving around for the first time this past week, although I am not entirely certain since the books says it feels like bubbles in the tummy at this stage, so my only confirmation is that what felt like my stomach growling from hunger is happening below the belly button and that's where little K's rental home is right now.

Can You Really Be Prepared?

With my bulging tummy, I have taken on a keen interest in reading child education related books.  There are a few good ones that are science based and written by M.D.s -- "Brain Rules for Baby by John Medina"  "Why Gender Matters by Leonard Sax"  "Boys Adrift by Leonard Sax" and I am now starting another book called "Nutureshock by Po Bronson".  I have also read from quite a few Chinese authors 蔡穎卿，獅子老師，洪蘭，錫安媽媽 and have been rather inspired by some of their parenting styles and wisdom.

When looking through the section of childcare books in the library, the sheer number of books and "experts" offering advise just startles you.  Even reading some of these books that are science based rather than anecdotal, it seems that the conventional wisdom of parenting also changes like fashion from time to time.  Praise is good, praise is bad; fixed feeding schedule is good, fixed feeding schedule is bad; breast feeding is good, formula is good; single sex classrooms are good, single sex classrooms are bad.  In the sea of seemingly worthy parenthood advise for new parents like us, I do wonder if you can really ever be really prepared for this role, like how you prepare for everything else in life.

At the end of the day, I guess what matters the most is your heart and awareness.   If you put your heart to being a good parent, paying attention to getting to know this new person that you are bringing to this world and (try your very best on) being on your best behavior so they can learn from the best example they can get (and that's where awareness comes in, because most of the time we have our own behavioral blind spots), and offer them love that is real (but not spoiling them), then that's probably the best you can do.

There are so many factors that come into play in one's life and shape one's character.  I have been reflecting on my very own experience growing up, and I, from a rather unconventional upbringing by my grandmother, am pretty sure she did not consult any books.  However from her I learned the value of love, the value of the closeness of family, the value of being self-sufficient and independent, being frugal, being environmentally friendly, and being kind -- every single value and behavior that she exhibited herself and gave an active example for me to learn from.   On the other hand, not really having the environment of witnessing a "mother and father" interaction growing up, I was also able to shape my own marriage into something that is wonderful and became such a pillar of my life and well being today -- something I did not have an active example to learn from.

I aspire to set up a home of comfort, support, love, and have a surrounding of calmness that comes from mature emotional relationships and elimination of the distractions of too much TV/digital distractions --- in a way, kind of like the life that Mic and I already share today.  My favorite part of the day is always the morning breakfast rituals -- we sit at the dining table with Jazz Wyoming in the background (a lovely Internet streaming radio station) eating our breakfast together, share thoughts from our day before and write down our "highlights" in this joint diary that we kept together for a few years now.  Even though occasionally "Steve Jobs" come in between us and provides some distraction when mic gets stuck on a new iPhone app or I on checking facebook updates, most of the time we manage to make a real connection with each other every single day, and end with a little hug before we set out to our jobs.

One day I want to bring little K into this lovely family time and this little oasis that Mic and I have created together.  In this crazy day and age where everything is about speed and excess, I am so glad we can retreat into our little realm of slowness and quietness, and enjoy nothing more but the simple existence of each other's company as what I call -- family.

Week 17: Tango!

Since doctor said I could resume "normal" level of activities, I have been slowly adding back delightful things in life that I missed for so long.

Last Sunday, I went to my first milonga in 4 months.  Ah, how I missed tango!

This is the only milonga I can go to now as it is hosted on Sunday afternoon, so unfortunately I am still missing out all the Argentine visiting teachers and their grand performances that are hosted at night where the dance party goes on till 2AM (The latest I can stay awake is usually around 10PM).   It was also the first time I put on my 4 inch-heel dance shoes (which gave me a slight backache afterwards), and I had to turn away some invitations to dance just to rest a little, but it was still just wonderful.  The books say that little K's ears are developed enough to hear now, and I certainly hope he enjoyed the tango music as much as mommy did.

Yesterday I also started my prenatal yoga classes and stepped foot in the gym which I also missed for 4 months.

Welcome back, life, for the next two months before I start my third trimester.

Seriously?

Unbelievable.

I threw up again last night.

Come on.  I am firmly in the second trimester already.  Is this a joke?

Week 16: The Most Beautiful Music to My Ears

We had our routine check up today.

Things are progressing well -- little K is now at 10cm from head to bump.  He was rather quiet during the ultrasound and didn't move around so much like the last time so we got a good look at his head, heart, stomach, legs, and everything is measuring right on track in terms of development.  The doctor remembered to turn on the sound this time, so we heard his heart beating strong at 160 times/minute!   It was the most beautiful music to my ears and tears rolled down my face as soon as I heard the steady heartbeat echoing in the room.   We counted the fingers again and it was still 6!

And I am now finally out of the red alert zone -- I am allowed back at the gym and travel (so hopefully we'll get to plan some holidays and a trip back to Taipei soon!).

Week 15: My Belly

Today's marks the 100th day of my pregnancy -- we are 1/3 of the way there, and I already have a bump to show for it.

It was actually a bit of a shock since I thought most people don't really show at this point.  One day I bumped into a colleague on the street in passing.  Later that evening I got an email from her saying "Congrats! When are you due?"...  I haven't advertised this at work so only shared with a few closer friends and my bosses, so don't think there's a chance that she heard the news from anyone, especially we are not in the same department nor on the same floor in the office.  I told my colleague she was very brave to assume -- she could have just hurt a very fat women's feelings by accident (which apparently mic has done once to his colleague and resulted in the ultimate embarrassment).  

I started to ask myself - Am I Too Big?  I certainly have problem fitting into my old clothes, but I also realized that 90% of my wardrobe consists of items with a waistline and in need some of new clothes to get me through the next few months.

Yesterday we went to E's home to pick up some of her hand-me-down baby and maternity clothes, I decided to ask the recently made new mom if I am a bit big for my stage.  She saw my bump and told me I look like I am 5 months pregnant and "are you sure you are not carrying twins?".   

So it's probably time to control my diet a little.  I actually haven't been eating excessively at all.   The gas after each meal makes me so full and bloated that it's impossible to really have a big meal by dinner time, so I have been forced to eat the healthiest pattern -- big breakfast, medium lunch, and light dinner, as a result.  My limbs are still skinny, but I guess I should probably take her suggestion on the "no carbs after 6pm" rule to stay a little healthier and control this out-of-control bump I am carrying around.