Ear Plugs and Gina Ford

I realized the hardest part of being a mother is self-confidence.  I don't think my level of self confidence has ever been as low as now, and whatever that's been built up by a good day can be easily destroyed by other people's opinion, "kind suggestions", putting me back in the wavering camp again.

I had to first fight my confinement lady on the topic of pumping and giving the bottle in the first month as I was stubborn on complete breast feed, and now I am finally getting a better handle of breast feeding, the challenges of putting a baby to sleep and on a more regular schedule seems next.

I tried the on-demand feeding for the first four weeks.  The frequent night feeds actually don't really bother me that much, but I do have a real problem with hearing Jack-Jack cry for a long period of time and unable to settle him from the crying and putting him to sleep after a feed was really stressful.  Especially when this frequently happens between 11PM and 3AM.

I also came to the conclusion that 100% attachment parenting is not for me.  While I cannot agree with the militant Gina Ford approach, not having any structure in my day, losing all the "me" time and "us" time with mic, constantly tired, sometimes not even able to get up to go to the bathroom does take a toll on me.  So I am trying to slowly learn Jack Jack's cues of what he wants -- hunger, tiredness, need for stimulation/cuddle/comfort, and putting some structure to the day in a more gradual way. The realization came after another tiring night last week of unable to settle him for 4 hours, exhausted, cried (me, not Jack Jack), going through getting up to settle him (since my confinement lady was terrible at that!), and feeling like I couldn't take it anymore and started to put on ear plugs to go to sleep and feeling completely defeated and guilty.  After he eventually settled at 3AM, I lied awake until the morning, a thousand thoughts rushing through my mind, that I really need to do it not any other person's way but my own way.

The first try was quite successful.   We had a reasonable day to start.  I slowed down.  I followed my instincts.  Self confidence came back.

Then yesterday we had a substitute confinement lady, while I liked her a lot (she's able to settle Jack Jack down so easily, unlike my original lady), but she had a very pushy attitude towards pumping and kept on criticizing how I am not giving him enough milk, and my self confidence broke down again.

I had half a day to settle myself down, and a long chat with my aunt, and have to convince myself, that today is a new day.

It will be our day, me and Jack Jack.

I am not going to let anyone else unsettle my self confidence and mother instincts any more, not confinement lady, not Gina Ford, not Baby Whisperer.  It will be our way.