Week 38: Final Stage

It's Xmas eve today, and I am already at the end of my 38 week.

Considering I made it two weeks further than I was with Jack-Jack last time, I probably shouldn't be surprised by how less mobile I am today and the aches and pains associated with the final stage of pregnancy.  Even seeing my Osetopath doctor weekly isn't enough to deal with the sore joints, painful bones and muscles that just creeps up after a short two/three day interval.  I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself, after all I am really carrying a watermelon around, and coping the best I could.

Now that we have really decided to go for a VBAC, I am also busy and anxious about getting prepared for the birth I wanted.  We attended a birth rehearsal class so Mic can be equipped to help me through the birth process with natural remedies, hired my doula (all that drama and argument a month ago seems like such nonsense, we ended up hiring her anyway... now we just hope K#2 hangs in there at least until after December 27 so my doula will be back from her vacation to actually be there for birth support), and started reading up on birthing skills.   I also sorted out all the Chinese medicinal ingredients I need for the confinement period and feel like I am as prepared as can be before her arrival.

Overall I am feeling quite relaxed, especially after being equipped with some knowledge about the birth and feel confident that I know what this is about the best I can before actually experiencing it.  I just need to stay relaxed and focus on getting through the contraction until the point I need to push, and hope for the best.

Week 35: Good girl

Our good girl has decided to give mommy a chance for VBAC and turned her head down.

The pregnancy continues to progress well and she's at a healthy 2.8kg estimated by the doctor.  Now I just hope that she can wait until 2015, so I have a chance to join that yummy new year's eve dinner my friend who will be flying in from NYC is planning in town.

Week 34: Nesting

Just starting my week 34.  The count down all of a sudden feels so real since last week.

The nesting instinct just came on.  Despite being heavy and very very pregnant, my energy level went up a notch from the adrenaline of needing to sort through every thing before she arrives -- clearing out unused items to give away or sell, washing and cleaning all the newborn clothing and burp clothes, swaddles that's been kept in the drawer for over a year.   Some nights when I wake up from my usual insomnia I end up sitting in the baby room sorting through clothes and working for a good hour or two. The boxes that we half started packing for NZ that lay in my living space started to annoy me (even though they have been around for a good nine months already), and I booked the same photographer to take pictures next weekend of belly shots and family shots so I also have created a deadline to make our home a bit more homey again.

I also started to crave time with mic.  Now that he's finally back from Mauritius, I am so keen to fit in the movies and dinners and all the just-the-two-of-us time we can get while I have the luxury of a helper and before K#2 arrives.   It will be a long time before we will have this again after we make our move to NZ and live a normal person life with no helpers and two kids in tow.

But it's all exciting.  With every kick, I am feeling the life inside me growing strong and I can't wait to meet her in person in less than two months.  Jack-Jack probably feels the same after I told him that his little sister might be bringing him a car when she comes out.  So now his routine words when it comes to K#2 are -- "妹妹, car, please?  來".... I told him he had to wait patiently until she comes out to meet us, right now she's just resting inside mommy's tummy still.

The doctor's visit continues to go well and reveal no drama, K#2 is temporarily in breach position so there's no need to think about C or no-C yet, the decision might be made for us if she stays like this, but of course a lot can change over the next month  -- in a way I am hoping that God will decide the outcome for me and I am not stressed about it anymore.  At the end of the day, natural or C-section, as long as she comes out healthy and well, I will be fine with either.

Week 33: Booo.....

The End is in sight -- 7 more weeks to go, technically.

I am still undecided between VBAC and going natural.  Part of the reason being it seems impossible to hire the birth support I want given my due date is so close to the Xmas and New Year holidays, and no one I called so far can be really on call for me for the entire duration from 37 weeks onwards.  The second consideration is with the amount of medical monitoring I may need when at the hospital with a VBAC, I will likely be tied to a machine and my ability to move around freely and achieve a drugless natural birth may be compromised as well.  I don't really want to go through the pain and exhaustion just to end up with an emergency C-section in the end.   So anyway, the debate in my head in still going on.

The pregnancy is certainly progressing like the book.  The kicks are strong and keeps me awake at night more often than not, and moving around in a true whale like state is becoming increasingly difficult.  A relaxed digestive system brings out the side effect of what is called "flatulence" - a new vocabulary for me, but essentially is the embarrassing farting that happens around the clock now.   The worst part is with Jack-Jack hanging around me, whenever I fart, he will also help make the sound effect "boooo...." for me, making my every attempt to hide the embarrassing symptom rendered useless.

Home Alone

This is the first time that mic is away from me and Jack-Jack since the business trip he had when Jack-Jack was less than one month old.

The good news is Jack-Jack is getting much more used to our new helper and they play well together while mommy takes a much needed nap during the day.  As a result, I didn't really need the extra help and didn't need to push my family to make the trip from Taiwan to help me out for these two weeks.  This Sunday will be a true test when I am home alone with him, but hopefully it will be okay.  So far we managed with a light social schedule/activity and eagerly awaiting mic's return.

Now that I think about it, it really is so special that we were able to spend the last two years together (and a few more years in the future to come) as a family.  Not many children awake to both parents being around them all day for 1.5 years (since mic quit his job).  I can't say how much of Jack-Jack's behavior now comes from his personality or our nurturing, but I am very happy that so far he is very secure and well behaved.  Of course like all parents we deal with the odd two-year-old tantrums here and there, but it is also so rewarding to see him blossom while we continue to provide him with the security he needs.

Week 31: C or No-C?

Yesterday we went for our regular doctor's visit in Hong Kong.  I haven't seen my OB since week 9 given our travels, and there sure are lots of discuss and decide at week 31.

First, the pregnancy is progressing well.  The placenta is well behaved and located at a very good and safe place, so there's no chance of the complications we had last time.  My weight gain is good and baby is on track at about 1.7kg already.  Even though the doctor in Taiwan told me to "watch my weight", apparently at the same point in my last pregnancy I have already gained 14 kg, while this time I have only gained 7 kg.  (I really don't remember being THAT BIG last time around, but I guess last time we were so stressed about the other medical issues that weight gain was clearly not a concern.  The fact that I am free to move around vs being on bed rest for so long probably also contributed to a much slower weight gain).

And this time, I finally have a choice about delivery options.

I remember when I was pregnant with Jack-Jack, when I finally got off bed rest from the first trimester, how keen I was to try for a natural birth.  I did prenatal yoga religiously, I read up on water births, natural pain relief methods, and I was all ready to work hard and do my daily squats to prepare for the strength and endurance I need for the actual birth.  I felt it would make the whole experience of being a woman complete if I could have a good birth.  Of course that beautiful dream was shattered with the reality of placenta previa and vasa previa diagnosis.  I quickly gave it all up given medically it was not even possible for me to attempt a natural child birth.

Now that I have a choice, should I try a VBAC and go for a natural delivery that I so wanted last time? That being said, our C-section experience was also very smooth with Jack-Jack that I am not really against doing it again, despite the longer recovery period.

In Hong Kong, doctors are generally very pro C-section -- it is easier for them to schedule and they make more money that way, my doctor is no exception in making his preference clear.  That being said at least he was willing to entertain my idea and support me also if I wanted a natural birth.  I guess it will still be a natural birth with a HK twist, probably with a lot more people pushing you for drugs, potentially making you opt for a C-section earlier than necessary, and it won't be an environment that makes delivery as comfortable as can be.  We have also been interviewing private midwives and doulas for birth support in HK, which some friends has recommended highly and said has made their experience so much better.  Ideally it would be good to have your OB and doula share the same philosophy and work together, which unfortunately very few doctors in HK do support a true natural birth.  Mic's afraid of being caught in the middle of two opposing views during birth and that would make an already stressful situation worse.  The doula I interviewed tried to address this by saying that she will not be confronting the doctor's decision but rather she will be giving us advise on whether she thinks we can ask the doctor the question on if we can try X or Y a little bit longer before going into a C-section, so ultimately the choice is ours on how we want to handle that advise and push the doctor or not, and Mic is very uncomfortable to be the person having those discussions with the doctor when it comes to that.

Mic and I have been debating this.  Even a simple discussion around VBAC or not got us into a stressful discussion -- it makes you realize marriage is forever a process of discussion, debate, disagreement and compromises (hopefully).  I guess fundamentally we differ in he wanted to path of least risk and conflict and I am willing to push it a little if we really wanted a good, warm, intimate birthing experience with K#2.  What I value in the experience is something probably a guy just simply cannot grasp (just like they never really understand why women needs to be surrounded in a romantic setting!?), and that brings out conflict in how we are looking at this.

At the end of the day, I want us to both be on the same page, and want the same thing, and some support mentally to achieve that.  Why is it that hard?

Week 30: Leg Cramp Symphony

I am 75% of the they way there on this pregnancy.  Overall it's been smooth sailing, but the usual discomfort that comes in the third trimester is certainly starting to make me want to unload this watermelon soon.

My biggest complaint must be the leg cramps at night.  It doesn't happen every night, luckily, but when it does, the sharp pain wakes you up from deep sleep and leaves you tossing and turning for at least an hour afterwards.

Last night was the worst so far, I had it on the right leg, front and back, then the left leg, front and back, then back to the left leg, side and back, and again ended on the left leg back side.  The whole thing must have lasted at least 15 minutes.  It was as if there's a conductor in my body trying to make music by making the different muscles tense up, in a magical order.  Better yet, it's impossible to stretch it out by myself, especially when it happens on the front and back of the leg -- just as you try to stretch out the back by using the ledge of the bed, the front cramp begins.  Now that mic sometimes takes Jack-Jack to bed and ended up sleeping next to Jack-Jack for the night, I have no one to kick awake in the middle of the night, and my quiet midnight screams can be heard by no one but myself.  So the only way, is to endure the pain, wait for it to pass, then try to scoot myself on the bed, and try to stretch it out a bit after its all over, by standing next to the bed.   The muscles still ache afterwards, and I can bearly reach my calf myself to massage it with the big belly being in the way.

Oh dear, why mother nature designed this to be part of pregnancy I have no clue, but I hope for the rest of the 10 weeks I have left, this symphony would not interrupt my sweet dreams again.

Jack-Jack is TWO!

I still remember, exactly this time two years ago, I was just getting ready to be checked out of Queen Mary Hospital, ending my long and uncomfortable bed rest, being picked up by Mic, and being transferred to the Sanatorium to have my C-section at 10AM.

And two years later, our lives have been transformed by this little bundle of joy.

Yesterday we had a mini celebration at home for him with his Godmother, K and her family.  I made a big pot of a beef bourguignon, roasted vegetables and a salad for dinner.  She brought a nice banana cream pie.  Jack-Jack's first real cake experience since this is first time he had a real whole slice of the pie (normally we kept him away from cakes and other sweets and only give him the occasional bite), and of course he devoured all of it in typical Jack-Jack style.  Our other friend T whom we haven't seen for over three years was in town and joined us for a brief while as well.  It was just the intimate set up I was hoping for and the dinner and celebration worked out perfectly.  Jack-Jack was able to blow out the candles this time, compared to his first birthday, even though he looked a little clueless while we were singing him the Happy Birthday song.

Looking back, I am still sometimes just overwhelmed by how much joy life is with him.  It is indeed very different -- We are now up at 630AM most mornings, going to bed around 930PM, no more late nights, rarely do we have long dinners with friends trying out new restaurants (since most people don't eat at 6pm when we eat and we need to be home to put him to be before 9pm), I have cut down on my tango and other activities and our days evolve a lot around him.  That being said, it is truly a blessing that we have the time and the space in our minds to be with him in this way, which allowed us to thoroughly enjoy him and observe all of his little changes over time.  Just this past week, his vocabulary has expanded massively, instead of his standard "car" "bus" "digger" "baba" "mama" "狗狗", now he can also tell us he got bitten by a mosquito by saying "疱" and wants some "藥藥", he can request for a pair of his Thomas the tank engine chopsticks at dinner, he can tell us he's hungry by pointing to his mouth and say "吃", and he even translated for me when I couldn't understand he was saying "cat" by also telling me it is "貓".  His play has became a lot more imaginary and interesting -- his obsession with cars and buses continue, and he always needs to put them in the exact same line very neatly.  6 little vehicles is all he needs to be entertained for hours, moving them around and parking them in different ways.   His opinions and personalities are starting to come out more vividly -- he really expresses a preference on who should play with him, help him wash his hands, take him to bed etc., but over all he is a child with great empathy and can listen to reason most of the time if we have the patience to outlast his complaints.

Today we plan to take him to Disneyland in Hong Kong for his actual birthday, another new experience for him since he had pretty much zero exposure to Disney's grand marketing machine thus far (so he wouldn't recognize Mickey, Goofy and other characters).  I booked an overnight hotel so we could watch the fireworks and not have to rush back home exhausted afterwards.

The parenting experience has taught me so much, and I am looking forward to all the joy and challenges ahead with this little life came out of my tummy, this time exactly, two years ago.

Week 28: The last name challenge

The last few weeks went by so quickly.  Our trip to Taiwan ended up being rather bittersweet.   The birthday celebration for my dad went really well, and the day before our scheduled return, my grandmother passed away.  It was a very sad moment as she was the closest person to me in my life, but it was also a blessing that I was there with her holding her hand as she peacefully passed just three weeks shy of her 100th birthday.  Jack-Jack has acted really sweet around her all the time, and it never seizes to amaze me how affectionate he was towards her despite how she looked in the end plus the fact that she couldn't even interact with him nor play with him.  I was able to plan the funeral for her and it was also really great the whole family was together for the first time in over 35 years.  I really enjoyed being with all of them and I hope Jack-Jack also felt the warmth and the strength of love in the family.

Now back to K#2, she's really just a little trooper doing so well despite not getting much attention.  We arranged for a medical check in Taipei since our stay was extended unexpectedly, and it was great to finally get a good rendering of her cute little face on the 4D ultrasound.  She even did a little yawn for us.  I can't wait to meet her and hold her in my arms.

And the other decision that we have come to is she will bear the last name Liu.   I never thought my dad cared about this but when I got pregnant he asked if I could ask if Mic would be open to having this child bear our last name, otherwise the Liu names will not be passed down from me.  My dad has never asked me for anything in my life so I figured this must be quite important to him.  Honestly I didn't really think any of this mattered --- our genes are passed on, and who knows what will become of the future generations, especially with our move to NZ and the fact that our kids will grow up with fewer and fewer Chinese influence.  Surprisingly Mic was really understanding of this and agreed that the heritage a last name bears is very important.  So upon some deliberation, the decision is made.   Well, at least then there will be two people in this four person family with the same last name. (Now we have Wan-Min-Kee, Liu, and we shortened Jack-Jack's name to Wan only, so technically we all have different last names, and I am carrying around marriage and birth certificates around when we travel to prove that we are a family!)

Week ?? : Second Trimester Update

When they say the second pregnancy is different from the first, it sure is true.  

Once the discomfort of the first trimester subsided, and the doctor confirmed no sign of any "previa" this time and gave me the clearance to travel, I felt so relaxed.  I finally knew what it felt like to have a normal pregnancy and how the doctor's visits were such a piece of cake.  Unlike last time,I

recall how I dreaded to see the doctor to find out more bad news or being reminded of the risks of a ticking time bomb I was carrying with me.

We acted fast and booked our trips right away.   We first enjoyed six fabulous weeks in Sweden, visiting Mic's cousin and family.  It was great to enjoy the perfect summer weather and beautiful outdoor space, such a contrast to Hong Kong.  Being able to travel at such a leisurely pace is truly a blessing when you have kids -- I have time to watch and let Jack-Jack take his time to enjoy a stroll in the park, run in the playground, climb the stairs up and down a castle, push his stroller around when he has no direction control, and while some of these things did seem like it took forever for him to do, I didn't have to rush him, and I could actually enjoy being with him, at his pace.  

It was also delightful to see Jack-Jack play so well with his cousins.  He's at the age where he is starting to take more interest in being with other kids and Elise and Anabel who were 10 and 6 and really looked after him like big sisters.  

Then we started our second trip to Taipei to celebrate my dad's seventieth birthday.  It all went as well as could be.  I really feel that we are in such a great place in life right now as we enjoy this phase of focus on our own nuclear family and the extended family around us.  Being able to patch things up with my father was a gift from God that I had never even dreamed of achieving in this life time, yet now I am really enjoying the time together with him, not to mention how sweet it is to see how much he enjoys being with Jack-Jack.  We took some studio family portraits, got him upgraded to an iphone, and also arranged a wonderful celebration dinner in Taipei.  

Of course Taipei is always filled with meeting up with friends as well.  Too bad the weather is too hot to really be out, but at least we try to make one outing a day and mostly centered around the yummy food around Taipei.  

Now back to little K#2 -- I actually can't even keep track of which week I am at right now, but I do know she's a strong little kicker and perhaps she had to be one to remind us of her existence.  Well, seeing how huge I am already I am certainly reminded of her every day, but this pregnancy is going so smoothly so far I didn't even experience the leg cramps at night as I did frequently last time.  

We have another two weeks in Taipei and trying to make the most of it.   And then, it will be Hong Kong all the way until Jan 2015!

ps. okay, I looked it up, I am at week 23 right now.

SAHP

Recently I saw this term SAHM = Stay At Home Mom.  It's a badge that a new generation of women now seem to wear proudly, who have given up their high power careers for another set of priority in life.  In contrast to the stigma of "sacrificing your career"/"wasting your talent" and other negative connotations that this decision was once associated with, more people struggle with the balance and eventually find a new place for themselves that they are comfortable with.

Mic and I chose the path to be SAHP (Stay At Home Parents), both, at the same time.  It's an unusual choice for people our age, and we often get very mixed reactions from people we know about this decision.  Some cannot comprehend what we are leaving behind -- seemingly wonderful careers and comfy lifestyles, while most are rooting themselves more deeply into the community, jobs, lives they have at this stage, we are choosing to uproot ourselves completely and move into completely unchartered territory.  Some say with deep envy, about how great it is to enjoy an early retirement and spend time traveling and enjoying time with our child together.

Mic and I called this our "Journey", a dream with its seeds planted over 3 years ago after our first vacation to NZ, and since then Jack-Jack joined our family and fast tracked this dream to reality.  We had an idea initially of jointly keeping a weekly journal on a new blog, recording the thoughts, struggles and highlights of "The Journey", but that quickly got barried in the never ending chores of childcare.  Now that I am starting this "new chapter" blog again, and since our journey is closely linked with our lives on The Journey, I figured this is not a bad place for me to record some of my musings.

In reality, life is neither that good nor that bad as our friends secretly worries/envies for us.

It's for sure not as rosy as it seems when we are casually meeting up with our friends, as the women who have high power career husbands on business trips Monday through Friday say with deep envy how great it is to raise your child together.  Yes, that aspect is great, and from the surface of both parents accompanying Jack-Jack in the playground it seems like a rosy perfect picture.  I enjoy having mic as a partner in the process and I am not sure if I want to do this completely on my own.  I know we are very fortunate to have to ability to make that decision while most people need to divide and conquer on the responsibilities of childcare and money making in a family.  But just as every coin has two sides, behind the sunny playground drowned in Jack-Jack's laughter and our smiles as proud parents, there's also the hard labour of childcare, which we choose to do and not outsource to anyone.  That means being 24/7 on call for a child that wakes with nightmares in the wee hours of the night, not have a moment to ourselves for the 14 hours that he's awake during the day, changing his diaper, brushing his teeth, preparing his food (and our food), cleaning up after, keeping up with the endless energy a child has to play during the day, even when we are exhausted or simply just don't feel like it anymore and simply prefer to lay down on a sofa and read a book quietly.  It's an endless loop of house chores, even though it is a labour of love, it does get tiring and repetitive after a while.

The other thing that became very clear is even without a job, as adults, we still feel the strong desire to find meaning and fulfillment in life.  Of course being a parent is part of that, but there's still a hole that needs to be filled on defining who we are, and what we are on earth for.  I found while I was working, that question doesn't get asked so often, because most of the time I chose to ignore it, since there really isn't much energy left after work, and keeping up with achieving at work occupied much of my mind and created that false sense of meaning and accomplishment.  Now that we have left that world and slowed down, I first realized how quickly I disconnected from that corporate work world.  Apart from a few friends, other people that nod and smile and chit chat at work I find very little desire to stay in touch with since there was very little deep connection to begin with.  What seemed to have mattered so much for the past 15 years vanished so quickly.   The network, the promotions, the pride.  While cleaning up my old office, I had a stack of "deal toys", which are mementos of transactions you completed in the past sitting around, loudly announcing what I have done and accomplished, now I look at the box sitting at home and wonder if they even quality as recyclable plastic.  And with that aspect of priority/accomplishment of "work" disappearing in our lives, finding a new focus, routine, sense of self-worth, pursuit, is our new challenge.

The third aspect is time we spent together as a family.  Now I scoff off the love-birds vows of "wishing to spend every moment in life together".  No, no one wants to spend every minute of the day together, no matter how much you love each other.  I thought mic and I could spend a lot of time together, and I think we can, probably beyond the ability most couples can (though I have no place to judge/verify that), but on this journey we still discovered the challenges of being in each other's space all the time, and not having a clear division of labour when both of our responsibilities and "stage" are at home.  It took quite a while to find the right place and balance for us to get along, which was a challenge I never imagined we would face.

But overall I would say the journey has been very rewarding.  Spending time with the people that matters most in your life, is hard work, but worthwhile hard work.   The time that we were able to spend with our extended families has also yielded great fruit -- we helped both families do a huge clean up of the old family home, moved Mic's parents to their new flat, and I had such a breakthrough with my own father that I have never been closer to him in my entire life.  I cannot put a monetary value on these things, but I can only say how grateful I am for God's provision of these beautiful fruitful relationships in our lives.

And the journey continues....

Week 13: Looking the Part

It's interesting how this past week, after the doctor's visit, everything seems to go by so quickly.  I am not sure if was the stamp of approval from the doctor to travel and the boost of confidence that this looks like a much more normal pregnancy than last time (He already told me it won't be Vasa Previa again!), and the timing of big monster also hiding away most of the time.  I am able to cook quite a few meals and enjoy flavors and aroma of food.   At last, I am feeling so much more normal like the past 12 weeks was just a distant bad dream.

We booked our tickets to Sweden right away, leaving in a few days.  It will be the longest trip I have ever made while I was pregnant (last time I made one trip only, and it was to Taiwan).  I am looking forward to the last trip before having two kids in tow, and now that Jack-Jack is so much more aware of his surroundings I am sure he will enjoy the experience of the airport and airplane as well.

The visible change this week is I am starting to look the part of being pregnant as well.  I know they all say with #2, your belly expands much faster.  Well, I am unmistakeably looking pregnant as a seat was given up to me on a bus this week.  My boobs are getting ready to be the milk factory again and I could feel the growth and the heaviness.  Now I really need to figure out what I can wear in Scandinavia over the next 1.5 months since last time my maternity clothes are all summer gear and this time I will be spending a lot of time in a place where the maximum temperature is 20 degrees and drops to 10 degrees by the evening.

It's a GIRL!

I was still nervous last night.  It felt like I was heading to a big exam the next day.  And I was.

The examination at the doctor's went well.  At 12 weeks 5 days, the baby is now at a healthy 6cm from head to rump.  This doctor specializes in prenatal screening, so by the preliminary high definition scan, we ruled out most of the genetic disorders with an 80% certainty.  There's another blood test which will be 99% accurate for diagnosing the most common three genetic disorders, and the results come after another 2-3 weeks.  But for now, everything is looking good.

One little exception, is that the X-man genes in this family is running strong.  The doctor found an extra finger on the left hand.  Luckily it looks less developed than Jack-Jack's fully formed finger on the right, so it should be an easier procedure.  I feel like we are already such experts on this, knowing which doctor that specializes in the surgery and the news didn't really make me feel anything but a little funny.  As long as the baby is healthy, everything else really doesn't matter.  I said to Mic at least you know this is your daughter for sure and they didn't mess up the embryo transfer, since your genes are really running strong in your offsprings.

We also found out that we are having a little girl.  I didn't have any expectations about the sex of the baby this time.  Last time I kind of really wanted a little girl, but we got Jack-Jack, and it made me really enjoy having a little boy around.  This time I was sort of thinking it would be convenient to have a little boy again, we have all the gear and clothes that we can re-use, but I guess we can re-use them anyway.  What does a little baby know/care about what he/she is wearing.  Maybe not the "chics dig scars" shirt though.

It felt like all this was meant to be.  Around 10 years ago when Mic and I first wanted to have kids, we already picked out a name for a boy and a name for a girl.   We used "Jack" on our little boy, and now it seems that the other name has found its perfect and rightful owner.

The other good news is with the sign off from the doctor, we will be going ahead with our summer travel plans.    Taiwan and Europe, here we come!

Week 12: Hooray!

Now I am firmly in the 12th week, the bleeding has stopped, and the energy is certainly magically returning.  I am able to do a lot more during the day, even making a few meals back in the kitchen.   Yesterday, I changed Jack-Jack's poopy diaper without throwing up, which is a real milestone.

Tomorrow is the big day where we go to the doctor for the high definition scan as well as the genetic screening tests, and we will also be able to find out the sex of the baby.  It will be nice to see K#2 again after all these weeks.  With my bulging belly, hopefully that is indicating that little K#2 is growing well.  I am a bit nervous of course but trying to not worry about anything and believe that what will be will be.  It's all beyond our control, we might as well pray for the best outcome.

The big monster, a.k.a the nausea and the lack of appetite is still hanging around, making very unpredictable appearances.  I certainly find it gets worse if I eat anything sweet, so that makes fruits off limits for me still.  I can't enjoy dessert for sure.  Even cereal (with dried fruits) that is relatively not sugar loaded makes me sick after eating.  But hey, at least I am able to slowly starting to enjoy most of my meals now, and there's no complaining comparing to what I went through the last six weeks throwing up after just taking a sip of water!

Week 11: Insomnia

Ever since my last pregnancy, the ability which I have known all my life -- to sleep through the night -- seem to have left me.

And then, it's the first year of having a baby, even when you want to sleep through the night, you are not able to.

Finally Jack-Jack started consistently sleeping through the night since he was 15 months old, in his own bed, which is roughly three to four months ago.  It really made a huge difference to our lives.  The pink complexion finally returned to our faces, we are able to have more or less a normal life, and the idea that "we can live through this again and have another child" seems less insane.  It is rather cute to hear his little thumping footsteps in the morning when he wakes up, climbing off his own bed and come in to our room for a morning cuddle when he wakes up, all smily and cheerful.  No longer do we hear the crying in the morning nor have to rush to him in the darkness of the night.  I guess those were also the brief moments I enjoyed a solid sound night's sleep.  Given that Jack-Jack can sleep about 10-11 hours at night, our early to bed routine also means we enjoyed at least 9 hours of beauty sleep a day, plus the bonus time to read a bit before bed.  As a result, I finished about 15 books in that month alone, finally able to enjoy my reading habits again!

And then, I got pregnant.

I have no idea why insomnia always accompanies me during my pregnancy.  On the good nights, I am only up for 30 mins to 1 hour around 2 - 3AM, on the bad nights (i.e. last night), I have been up since 2:30AM and at 7:30AM finally gave up the tossing and turning and decided to get up and just get on with my morning and catch my power nap later.   Sometimes it's the nausea, sometimes its getting up to pee, sometimes its a sudden thought of something on the to-do-list, sometimes its dreaming about what I can/cannot eat the following day.  Sometimes its my body's crazy broken thermostat -- I am radiating heat, yet the aircon just brings the chills to my bones, making no temperature a comfortable temperature to sleep in.

By now, the to-dos are largely done.  I already hired my confinement lady (and this time I was able to hire someone I really like, so hopefully it will be better than the last one around).  We just signed up a new helper who will be starting with us in late July after our old helper has left us to get married.  This took a really long time, and was something that was really bothering me for some time but is also finally done.  I am going to pay the deposit at the hospital after my next doctor's visit once its confirmed everything is okay after the basic genetic screening tests.  All seems to be in place and I should have no more worries yet I still cannot sleep.

Oh well, let's hope as the hormones settle, the insomnia will go away.  At the end of the day, I better build up a decent sleep surplus now getting ready for the sleep deficit that will soon come in 6 months time.

p.s.  The coconut water magic is gone again and I am in search of the next thing I can drink......

Week 10: Thank God for Coconut Water

I am finally towards the end of week 10.  Looking at the diminishing little yellow tablets of folic acid, I happily count down towards the end of my first trimester.

Things are slowing starting to get better -- the fatigue is not as intense, so I am able to enjoy some outings with mic and Jack-Jack.   The last bleeding episode is 10 days ago so I am in the safe zone for some time now, casting the doubt of whether this is a viable pregnancy away.  The nausea, well, I wish it is going as well but it still follows me around most of the day with that all day sea-sick feeling.   The worst part of all is my inability to take in any water -- the taste of water makes me gag like I have just had a mouthful of the most foul tasting thing.  Last time adding slices of lemon, or infuse the water with ginger helped.  This time, none of the old tricks worked.  With the heat in HK intensifying, I can feel my dehydration and the dryness of my mouth and tongue, but I still couldn't drink any water.

Then I discovered one day eating at a Thai restaurant I could actually drink a whole young fresh coconut without any side effects.   Praise God for coconut water, my only source of liquid right now.  (And the fact that there's a shop in the Wanchai wet market that sells fresh coconut water every day!)

Week 9 : Long Days

I started re-reading my blog when I was pregnant with Jack-Jack, to see when things started to get better - I think my appetite returned at week 14 but the bleeding was not seen after week 9.  Well, I am almost at the end of week 9 already and the bleeding still comes on and off leaving me half stranded in bed.  Whenever I feel a bit more energetic and active, it usually follows by another episode of bleeding, reminding me to slow down again.  The past four weeks really felt like it went by so slowly.  There's a Chinese saying that describes this really well, "度日如年", which means the days feels as long as the years.

Life is sort of on hold now.  We can't plan our summer travels to Taiwan and Europe until we know it's safe to travel from the doctor.  As the summer heat gets unbearable in HK in even early June, I am longing ever more for some cold Scandinavian crisp air and blue skies.... And of course to stop feeling so queasy and tired as well.  Mic said I am like the "anti-Katherine" now, feeling and acting like the opposite of the old me -- I am now the lethargic, taxi-taking, air-conditioning blasting person, walking at the speed of a snail.

Hopefully, as the end of the first trimester nears, things will start to look up soon.  At least on the good news side, our doctor's visit revealed K#2 growing well and now already at 2.7cm.  It started to look like a baby now on the monitor and we also saw a bit of its movements.  The excitement certainly wasn't like when we saw Jack-Jack for the first time, but it still was reassuring to see the beginning of life, safely and soundly in me.

Week 7 - Big monster

When I was pregnant with Jack-Jack, he was really actually pretty kind to me.

This #2 little K however, is really giving mommy a hard time.  The nausea and the sensitivity to smell of all kinds is just at an all time high -- believe it or not, I can smell the oil that accumulates on my nose in this hot humid weather and that makes me sick!  The little monster has evolved into a BIG monster this time around, its magical powers stronger than ever, making me wanting to throw up and actually throwing up day and night.  The worst is feeling sudden extreme hunger accompanied by a strong sense of nausea at 3am that actually wakes me up and keeps me tossing and turning for at least an hour every night.  I know I am probably not the worst case there is out there, at the end of the day, I am able to keep most of my food inside my stomach, and just end up throwing up this disgusting stomach acid.   Also I have already lost about 1-2 kg since the start of this pregnancy indicating that I am not eating as much as I usually do.  Occasionally I have managed to think of something I wanted, like yesterday, I enjoyed a full serving of a Japanese pork chop at my favourite shop Tonkichi.  That was a real delight.

The bleeding is still a continued concern.   Every time I think things are getting better and I am ready to be a bit more active, the bleeding begins.  It seems that God is trying to remind me that I should rest and slow down even more.  However, it does get quite boring being on bed rest most of the time, and I feel bad for poor mic who is taking on all the housework and taking care of Jack-Jack.

This will all pass, I know.  As long as #2 little K is growing well and healthy, that's all we can ever ask for.   Last week we saw #2's little flickering heart on the screen already.  The sign that a real life is growing inside me, and our family, is soon to be joined by another human being

Week 5: Little Monster, Bleeding, and Bed Rest

It seems that the second time around everything happens in fast forward mode.

First, the little monster visits came rather early.

Within a week of the pregnancy test I was already blessed with morning sickness reminding me of the existence of little K every day, and this time it seems to be not just around meal time but at times in the middle of the night feeling quite nauseous.  The heightened sensitivity to smells implies gaging at everything unpleasant and might have otherwise been pleasant -- so mic has been banned from the ginger yuzu Molten Brown shower gel, and I have been relieved of Jack-Jack diaper changing duties.  Actually sometimes just little Jack-Jack doing his usual drooling all over me during play time and the remaining smell of saliva made me gag.   I think I actually scared Jack-Jack once by making a strong gesture of throwing up right at him.

Two days ago the bleeding started, just when I was hoping this pregnancy would be a little less dramatic before.  The bright red blood stream brought back lots of fear, but I know the protocol now -- lie down immediately, call the doctor, prepare to visit the clinic.   Luckily the bleeding stopped the same night and at the visit to the doctor he confirmed that one little embryo sack is growing well, baby is about 2mm in size, a little bigger than the tip of a pen now.   We didn't see the heartbeat yet since the unexpected event of bleeding meant we visited the doctor slightly ahead of schedule.  I was again reminded of what a waiting game this whole pregnancy business is.  Patience, patience, patience.

With the incident it also means I am taking things even a bit more easy, resting in bed as much as possible until everything settles down well.

And all we can do is pray and wait, to know that God is the author and creator of life and in control of everything that happens.

Second Chapter

We are so blessed that the second chapter of our lives is about to begin.

It is still very early days.  When the nurse called about the blood test results yesterday afternoon, I could hardly believe my ears that we were successful with the second round of IVF.  Originally I just didn't want to freeze those embryos anymore from the first round, and since we did want more kids I thought we would just try one more time in HK before our big move away.   I know compared to others who have tried and failed, we were really blessed.

But of course remembering the difficult and long journey from the last time around, I am mentally prepared to know that this is only the beginning of the road with many many challenges ahead.  There's no guarantee that this would result in a beautiful child like Jack-Jack -- the first trimester is risky, knowing from that three months of bed rest last time; the tests are many, before you know all the chromosomes are right.  I am reminded through the experience last time, that if this is God's will, He is the only one that can carry us through safely till the end and make it happen.   Jack-Jack being born safely was more than a miracle to us.

Jack-Jack has been a true blessing and a real joy.  He's 18 months old today and I have been too lazy at recording any more of his days on this blog, but have been enjoying life as a family with mic and Jack-Jack.  Every day I see him learning something new and expressing himself in the cutest ways.  I had finally shaken off the miserable PPD after around 10 months or so.  Looking back, I could not explain how or why this all began and end, but I am just glad that the mist and the doom cloud over my head is finally over and I am back to my old self.  And without the PPD, there's no longer that thin veil blinding me of the joy right in front of my eyes.  I have said to myself If I am lucky enough to have a second chance, I trust I will be able to enjoy it so much more having learned what I have learned about motherhood so far.

So fingers crossed.  And grow well, our little K.  (we need to settle on a new name/nick name soon)