Failure to Thrive

When people say your happiness level goes down after a child enters your life, it is true.

Don't get me wrong, the joys are tremendous like nothing I have ever experienced.  I weep from joy just by staring down his face when I am nursing him, watching him barely making that little twitch of the lip like he's about to smile.  Every day, he is doing something just a little bit more and better and bringing new joys to us.

At the same time, the challenges it places on me as an individual, on us as a happily married couple before, are also very real.   Part of the reason I have not had a chance to blog, other than being tired and really busy with him, was the past few weeks I was also facing the challenges of PPD (postpartum depression) and battling my own extreme swing of emotions and helplessness.  I have an extremely supportive husband and a wealth of resources but I know at the end of the day the conditions are also real and I needed to get through this by curing my anxious mind and learning to relax.

Yesterday Jack-Jack had his follow-up appointment at the pediatrician for his injections and also check-up.  Long story short, the doctor told us that he's not really gaining enough weight and suggested that we supplement with formula right away.

I was in absolute shock since I thought finally we were getting breastfeeding right, he seems happily fed with more than enough of the recommended diaper output per day, and also we are just slowing starting to get the co-sleeping arrangements right.  The little confidence that was built was yet again shattered into pieces.  The "failure-to-thrive" diagnosis on Jack-Jack's medical receipt was like a verdict on me being an awful mother, a failed mother.

I frantically did more research and spoke to more people about breastfed baby weight gain in the afternoon post the visit and established a game plan to increase my milk supply.  But I couldn't help but wonder if my resistance to formula has actually ended up harming our baby.  Mic and I inevitably got into a heated debate about this.  I totally understand where he's coming from -- as a loving father who is not directly involved in the milk production and feeding, watching your stubborn wife insist on doing things the hard way and things still didn't work out the best for Jack-Jack --- I would be frustrated if I were him.  It didn't help me of course, but I know when both people are tired, busy, sleep deprived, don't really have time to communicate, and have different opinions on how to do things need to sort through this in a less than ideal way, not the calm discussion I wish we had time for, but a heated moment of fighting.  

I know we will get through this, but I couldn't help to think back to that research on freakanomics that mentions on couples with kids ended up less happy than couples without in the short term.   It is true that we have lost most of those calming loving moments for each other, in exchange for an extremely difficult task of raising a new human being together.

But I am also keeping the faith that we will get through this, with love, with hope, with strength from God.