Alternative Plans

I tossed and turned all night.  

I stopped googling and reading about the condition.  Reading the losses just makes the fears worse.  I thought I was getting better at this, but I am still just a weak weak soul filled with fear.  Vasa previa has a 50- 90% infant mortality rate if not dealt with properly.   The thought that I could lose little K right at the finish line just makes me lie wide awake in the middle of the night, breaking out with cold sweet and tears.

Of course knowing is better than not knowing.  At least now we know, we have to make alternative arrangements and I may need to spend the next 4-6 weeks in a hospital, a little longer and earlier than I had anticipated, but at least we know the risk can be managed if we have the medical team on alert and me being in a medical facility is as close to managing the risk best we can.

I thought I could leisurely set up the baby room now that we finally no longer have occupying guests for the guest room, I had plans for putting up the cute safari wall stickers I got, putting the little clothes and stuffed animals in place, and was even planning on getting some belly photos taken in the new nursery once I get it done but now all of that seems not so important any more.  I just want little K to come out healthy and well, even if the room is just bare walls with a cot.

Getting into execution mode, I started to make arrangements to transition my roles at work a month earlier to the team, thinking about what I need to pack for the hospital stay, and also getting a few doctors lined up both for the care of me and the pediatrician for little K since he might come out pre-mature rather than the 38 week full term date we had scheduled.   The to-do list gets longer, the time seems so compressed.   It seems that long before becoming a parent we already have to learn to deal with the sudden changes and things constantly forcing us to be flexible and make alternative plans.

Mic is so strong throughout this process I often wonder if he needs to let out any tears like me before he can stay strong for us.  I am so blessed to have such an amazing husband, who stands by me like a rock, and I know that through the waves and tides, that I have all the love, support, prayers to keep me strong and standing tall.