Number 2?

Oh I am not pregnant.  The title is just a question I am asking myself, not a status update.

People have been asking me if I am thinking about number 2, and if yes, then I should probably get started on preparing to try again given my age.

I have been thinking about that question a lot.  Ideally for Jack-Jack, I do wish he can grow up with a sibling.  For one he will have a playmate and companionship growing up, also in the future he will have another family around when mic and I are no longer here on earth in the future.  Having said that, I know not all siblings get along, and I have seen plenty of examples around me that shows the common experience of growing up together doesn't guarantee a smooth relationship as adults.

The other part of me is very afraid -- I still haven't quite gotten into a good place of being a mother for Jack-Jack yet, and wonder if I will ever be able to handle all of this fatigue in the initial phase again.  I am only getting older and more tired -- can I really do this again?

Reading back at the lack of entries on this blog, and thinking back at those 9 months that has passed by so quickly yet so slowly, I wonder if I had a second chance, which parts could I have done better -- I probably would have enjoyed the long nursing sessions and falling asleep with my sweet baby more instead of being so anxious and nervous about him not having a good schedule; I probably would have allowed myself those showers and hair washes that makes me feel more human and attractive; I probably would have lowered my expectation about being that super mom all my Type A friends were able to achieve so quickly post birth.  And sometimes I do want to have another chance of doing this, with another baby, so I get to enjoy that initial phase again, instead of just struggling through it like I did with Jack-Jack.

I know just like the experience of having Jack-Jack, the arrival of a new life is totally out of our control.  You can plan to a certain extent, when to wean so your ovulation schedules gets back on track, when to do another round of IVF, but at the end of the day, none of these can guarantee a success.  So for now, I decided to let my excessive planning self take a back seat.  I want to enjoy Jack-Jack first.  I want to enjoy nursing him for as long as he needs me.  I want to forgot about timing the next round of IVF within the remaining duration I have with my existing insurance policy.  I want to take life one day at a time, and let God tell me when I should have number 2, should it be a part of my life that is already planned by Him.