New Chapter... or Not

If last week was a long week, this coming week I am sure would seem even longer.

The doctor's visit didn't go as planned -- we were hoping to see little K's heartbeat on the monitor, instead is was still just a sac and baby is no where to be found on the screen. The doctor said the slower development of the embryo is an indication that something might have gone wrong, and the end result may be one that all expecting parents dread. There still is some hope, so we are going back for another scan in a week's time to see if the K's catching up on the development, but given we are pretty certain around the timing of conception, the likelihood of a 7 to 10 day development gap means that we need to manage our expectations accordingly.

I couldn't help but feel disappointed from the helplessness as tears roll down my face. There's nothing I can do to make things better -- I can't eat better, sleep more, and create a better environment for the baby to grow, it may be something genetic and it's just a part of nature's selection process. While I looked online and know that there's actually an insanely high % of women that go through this (around 20%), and I am surrounded by friends and family who have gone through one or more of this same experience, but it's still not easy when it is happening to yourself, especially after a 5 year wait to this very day.

There's still hope, so I don't want to give up on the thought yet, but I must have had sadness written all over my face when I returned to the office from the clinic and a few colleagues came to inquire if things were okay. I couldn't really tell them what's going through my head, so had to brush it off with a smile and return to life as if everything is normal. A friend sent me this note "God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".

The positive thing is at least we know we can get pregnant, and I enjoyed the temporary upgrade in my boobs. Mic was very sweet to tell me that we will be happy growing old together, with or without K. I know that is true, that I have a wonderful marriage with a loving husband and I really couldn't ask for anything more in life. As for this new chapter that we were eagerly awaiting, we just need the patience for when it is really landing in our lives.