To Work or Not To Work?

I have been terrible at finding time to keep up the blog.  I wish I had more time to record all the thoughts and events and so many ups and downs just a short two weeks has brought, including the highlight of having my sweet university friends visiting me in Hong Kong to spend my birthday with me!  Who would have thought staying at home 24 hours a day yet you still barely have time to do anything but to take care of a baby, fit in a shower, and eat three meals a day?

I have already passed the mid point of my maternity leave, with the end of February fast approaching and my day back to work in sight.  I still have quite a few untaken holidays so could probably stretch the leave out to end of March or some point in April.

It's hard to say how I feel about it.  Part of me feels so not ready for it -- How can I leave this little helpless being when every day brings new excitement and being separated from him for more than two hours now makes me so anxious to get back to him already?   Also, before little Jack-Jack reaches 5 kgs when he has a bigger stomach to hold down some more food to sleep longer stretches, I am still up to feed him every three hours at night, and sometimes even more frequently, leaving me rather exhausted during the day, every day.  I thought my investment banking training has prepared me for the sleep deprivation, but clearly motherhood brings this part of the challenge to a completely new level.  And I don't think I will be a good employee if I am so tired all the time.  

The other part of me, is uncertain about staying at home. While being so involved in raising him is very rewarding, it is also very very lonely.  Sometimes I dread the start of my day before it even begins, and then thought sarcastically when I realized I am on a 24-hour shift and the day never really begins nor ends.  My world has become so small because I don't have time for anything else nor am I interested in sacrificing a good day with Jack-Jack to get back to some of my old activities.  Tango is out of the question since leaving home after 8pm when Jack-Jack's bedtime approaches is just impossible unless I can live with the thought that I am leaving him crying at home looking for me for the next few hours.  I have nothing to offer in a conversation that could interest you other than telling you what Jack-Jack has done today, how many times he poo-poo, pee-pee, spit up, and how cute and relaxed when you give him a bath and massage.  I felt so small somedays that I even feel unworthy.

Mic with his new role at work has also been incredibly busy and stressed, which I understand in my previous life, but now I couldn't help but feel sad and needy.  I thought if I went back to work, get distracted by doing the other seemingly important things then I would be a little less dependent on others sparing that little bit of time and attention on me.  The toll that having an infant takes on a marriage, which all the books have warned me about, also seemed more real than imagined.

So the short answer to the question "To work or not to work?" is I don't know.  Just like all the contradicting parenting advise out there, this seems to be a question I am answering with contradicting answers all the time.

I know there's an easier way to taking care of Jack-Jack, I could hire a night nurse, I could out-source the care to my helper more, I could give him a bottle/formula so I am not the only source of food that needs to be on stand by.  Somehow I just can't bring myself to do any of those things.  I don't want to be a typical parent in Hong Kong that outsources to the helper and can still have life close to exactly the way it was before.  It's not meant to be the same.  And somehow, that's just not me.  I want to do it myself, with my own hands.  And I am sure there is value in spending the time and being hands on, whether I believe little Jack-Jack knows it or not, and whether he will remember or not when he grows up.   I read this in Michael Lewis' book "Home Game" that he describes the experience from the father's perspective with his son -- "If you want to feel the way you're meant to feel about the new baby, you need to do the grunt work.  It's only in caring for a thing that you become attached to it."

Often I feel I want the best of both worlds -- the closeness to him that only comes when you spend the time with him and being the primary care giver; and the freedom of my old life that only comes if you choose to let go.  Clearly it is not possible to have both.

Of course I know this is a phase, it will pass, just like every one has tole me.   Day by day things will get easier.  He will grow, and outgrow some of our expectations.  I just have to embrace the journey, every part of it.

As to returning to work, time will probably make the answer clearer.  For now, I just don't want to think about it.