The one thing that became rather apparent to me over the past year, is the importance of friendship in my life.
I wouldn’t call myself an extrovert. I never liked the big mingle networking events at work and business school, was never a social butterfly. But throughout my life, I always enjoyed building relationships that are deep and true, one at a time. It was only this past year, when many have supported me from near and far through my struggles, that I realized the amazing number of good friends I have all around the world, and the depth of those friendship, that transcends time and space. Even my therapist thought I had so many astonishingly wise people around me, and for that I felt truly blessed.
Tina, my mentor and the big sister I never had, came to visit me in Nelson for a whirlwind of 1.5 days from Taiwan after her golfing trip, and the jet-setter that she is, is going to Paris and Portugal afterwards. It was so wonderful to see her, we talked just about every minute we were awake, shared laughter and tears. Yesterday when dropping her off at the airport, I felt an intense sadness, almost like this January when I was leaving Taiwan. The moments when I felt I could be myself and relaxed, fleeing right before my eyes. I knew I had to wipe off my tears, and once again take a deep breath to go back to the “work” of my life.
It was an interesting observation I had, that I am happiest, when I can be authentic and wholeheartedly true to myself. Those moments used to be when I was at home, to gain the strength and fill my tank, with my deepest support from home, then I would be ready to face the world, no matter how hard things are outside.
Over the past year, that dynamic and feeling, the sense of safety at home, unfortunately went away for me, I still showed up for the “job” the best I could — the house is still in decent cleanliness, the meals are still made from time to time, laundry still washed and folded, but I had no mental energy beyond that. When the connection at home was lost, and all the moments I felt I had to tip toe around broken eggshells, life at home became really draining for me. It still is. I know that in my anxiety around getting up for the day - I used to be the kind of person that hops out of bed the minute I am awake, now I often lay still in bed, for a long time, gathering the courage to face the day feeling utterly alone and a little bit stuck. And that feeling of loneliness when the connection is lost in the most important relationship of my life, the foundation of my life — my marriage, spilled over to me shying away from showing up for my children emotionally as well.
I am working through that by looking at it with at much awareness and observing my heart as truthfully as possible. Perhaps, it is an adjustment of my role as a mother, to shed the pressure that I used to put on myself approaching motherhood with the intensity and focus on perfectionism that I have, and also re-examining the role model I had for this, my grandmother, who always shows up with the perfect sense of selflessness, was simply an unattainable goal. I am not sure if that is just a rebellion phase for adjustment, or if there is greater wisdom to be gained. But I know where my heart is at, and it is no longer at home, which was how I functioned, for all those 49 years of my life.
Instead, I am grateful, for the friends that allowed me to be 100% me. They became a sanctuary, a source where I draw strength from, who sees the virtue of my discernment and truthfulness and enjoys my company, my opinions, are happy to the recipient of my love language of thoughtfulness and food. There are old friends, from my childhood, from work, from school, and there are new friends made, serendipitously, through circles I never socialized with before (for example, tango), that I realized even at this late stage in life, I can still make really really good new friends, as long as I open my heart to receive the gift of friendship. My new “joy luck club” of the two new friends that I have here locally, and the deep bonding we shared over such a short period of time, is an example of that.
I suppose we are hard wired for social connections. Humans are not meant to exist in solidarity from an evolutionary sense. I had always come alive in those moments of deep connection. This past year when I was questioning myself about those needs and values, through the lens of Mic who think completely differently about human connections, made me query if it is weakness of my reliance on others and that we must draw more from within. I guess it is not a right or wrong question, but rather a deeper understanding of self, and knowing what makes me “me”, what makes me tick, what makes me smile.
And I know, I am my best self, when bathed in the sweetness of friendship.
No comments:
Post a Comment