After almost a week of spotting and bed rest, mic and I have made the decision to cancel our NZ holiday which was supposed to be in a week's time. Or rather, I was freaking out about the trip since the spotting just doesn't stop no matter how long I stay in bed and Mic also supported the decision to skip the travel in the first trimester.
It just wasn't worth taking the risk if something happens during the trip and we can't find a good health care provider given the not yet stable pregnancy, plus with my state of needing as much sleep and moving at the speed of a tree sloth, I may not be able to enjoy the trip as much, either.
It was a logical conclusion but disappointing nonetheless. I think I have to blame the hormones for the excessive guilt I have about making us cancel the trip, even though Mic responded very well to it. I also started stressing over the fact that I don't know when we will be able to have a "just-the-two-of-us" holiday again and started to miss in advance the nice quiet times we have had to ourselves. The second trimester when it is safer to travel, mic wanted to make our long overdue trip to Mauritius, which means it may be hard to fit in another trip in close proximity of time given his limited holidays and busy work schedule. I am of course disappointed if that is the only trip we can fit in before the K comes, as even though its a beautiful place to visit, the family obligation has its stresses and doesn't quite make it the "just-the-two-of-us" holiday. I didn't want to add stress to Mic's already hectic life (he's quite busy at work this week and lots of pressure on delivering a higher sales figure), so I dropped the topic. I didn't want to be one of those crazy insane emotional pregnant people. I want to be the happy face mic sees when he comes home from a long tiring day at work.
However, I ended up being super emotional in the morning after he left as I continued my bed rest and tears streamed down my face over fear of the unknown, fear of the known, and a mixed bag of reactions I am sure I can only blame the hormones again -- "Am I really ready for this? Why do I not feel as excited as I should? What I am afraid of?" I called my best friend A to have her knock some sense into me and sobbed as she went to pick up her daughter from day-care. It is true all of our lives we are so used to having things exactly the way we wanted it and when we wanted it. Things will change with kids but it just means replacing the life we had with a different kind of life, and a different type of joy. All of this we will only find out as we experience them first hand and deal with things one step at a time.
Our first sacrifice of a cancelled holiday is really nothing compared to the many things we will have to face in the future I am sure. And I certainly hope this excessive emotional swing is due to the lousy hormones.
