Food...I miss loving you....

For a food lover like me, these few weeks has been quite torturous. My total love affair with food in the past has turned into quite a complicated relationship.

I know I don't have it as bad as some of my friends, so I really shouldn't complain, but this daily battle three times a day of "What Should I Eat?" is driving me rather insane.

First there is the queasiness when you are hungry. You know your stomach is growling but there seems to be nothing that tickles your fancy. While I used to love thinking about a varied menu and have all these ideas of what I wanted to make and eat, now that is the question I dread the most. My poor helper used to take guidance from me on what to buy and make every day, now I just stare back with total blankness in my eyes and trying to concentrate on not puking before the meal.

The actual eating part is the only part that seems to go well so far (thankfully). As soon as I put the first bite in my mouth then it is all okay. Although it takes a long time for me to work up the courage to look at the meal on the table, and to take my first bite, at least I am still able to eat.

Then there comes the queasiness after you eat. Without fail, 30 minutes after the meal I feel like I wanted it out of my stomach. The smell, the taste, and everything that was yummy about it moments before seems like a distant dream. And I try to either take my mind off it by playing "draw something" or going to sleep so it can all go away like a bad dream.

I miss the days when I just loved my food, had endless ideas about food, the flavors, the combinations, the scent that used to get me so excited every day. Food, I miss loving you.

Week 7: Your tiny little heart

This morning, we saw the little heart beating on the monitor.

It was the most amazing experience and the best relief to what I went through the night before.

The weekend was beautiful and sunny. After lunch at 鼎泰豐 in Causeway Bay so I could get my fix on sweet and sour soup, Mic and I went to Kowloon Park to spend an afternoon lazing under the sun. It was just perfect, the temperature, the sun, and the breeze in the air, on a small but precious patch of grass (in Hong Kong!) for our closest experience to man made nature. We then parted so I could catch my tango movie. Since I was feeling fine the past few days I thought I could use a little more exercise, I decided to walk. It was only about an hour, on flat paved surface but I might still have overestimated my ability. The evening ended up with some bright bed bleeding and I was so scared I was in tears and thought I was losing the little K. A call into the nurse at night, she told us as long as there are no cramps we should try to rest the night and come in to see the doctor first thing on Monday.

Mic has just been amazing every single day. He takes care of me by putting snacks on the night stand and scatter grapefruit around the house (that is my savior to combat queasiness these days), and he calms me down at my moments of panic. Through him I am trying to learn to make the highs a little less high and the lows a little less low. I often joke about his lack of emotion, but at times like last night I actually really appreciate his ability to isolate the things we can control and things we can't. In our future roles at parents I am sure we will need a lot of that to get through life.

Anyway, glad that scan showed that little K is developing well and on track, and with that vote of confidence I decided to break the news to my family a little ahead of the end of the first trimester.

Golden Dragon drama

This year is an auspicious year for the Chinese -- not only is it the dragon year, it is the "Golden Dragon" year. I was told the birth rate in Taiwan went up as much as double and Hong Kong is probably experiencing the same phenomenon. We did NOT plan for the arrival of K for the dragon year. On the contrary, I always thought of the poor babies born in these so called "good luck" years had to face so much more competition from their peers and may not be so lucky after all. However, we were just trying to beat the tick tock clock to get pregnant as quick as possible so that we don't get any older before we become parents, and, we got lucky at our first shot of IVF.

I am already feeling the golden dragon craziness as I am having trouble finding a hospital and a confinement lady.

In Hong Kong, unlike Taiwan where people go to a confinement center (月子中心), instead you hire a confinement lady (月嫂) who will stay at your house 24/7 for a month or more to cook the right food for you and help take care of the baby. Usually people book around the end of the first trimester when the pregnancy was more stable, so I thought I had time.

The other day being reminded that given the dragon year I might want to start looking a little earlier for these things, I started to call around a few friends who had babies recently for a few recommendations and to help me check availability of these popular ladies.

The result was shocking. All of them were already booked through November, and some even through December and January -- I mean, the December babies are not even conceived yet!!! So now I am down to two possible options -- one that my friend E highly recommended but only available in December, will probably need to find someone to tie over the two weeks in November, or another one that was a second choice for my friend K when hers took a few days leave to attend a wedding. I probably need to make a decision and pay a deposit soon before these two options disappear.

I still find it a bit insane that I am doing all this research so early before I even saw my own baby's heartbeat, but I think with the nausea I am experiencing day and night our little K is probably hanging on very tight and we might as well plan for the best outcome and give out those shiny golden dragon coins to these very popular ladies.

ps. I will report back to see if I finally get a room at the hospital when I hear back from the nurse!

Patience

This is my fourth week at home. The first two I took voluntarily to make sure I am in the best shape possible for the critical implantation phase. The last two was ordered by the doctor since the spotting/bleeding lasted a bit longer than I was hoping for.

The days were long (I think I have exhausted the things you can do while staying on bed rest), and the fatigue from doing nothing also has been frustrating (why I am tired all the time when all I am doing is resting?).

I anxiously await the next doctor's appointment to see the baby's heartbeat on the monitor to ensure that everything is okay, yet I also know there are multiple challenges down the line. It's like a video game that you are trying to pass the multiple levels before you win the grand prize - The positive pregnancy test was merely the first level, then heartbeat on the 7th week, then the various tests/screening along the way, until you have a healthy baby in your arms, there are so much to be worried about (and quite frankly, probably even more to worry after the baby is born).

Parenthood will probably be the best training for patience I will get. Ultimately, no one but God knows what stands ahead of each day, and I need to learn for the patience and the peace to live each day without worrying. For what will be will be, and we can only live life the fullest by doing what we can and letting go what we cannot control.

One or Two?

We have been wondering whether we are having one or two babies with this pregnancy since there were two embryos placed in the womb.

Today I went to the doctor -- not a regular scheduled visit but due to a little incident that freaked me out - the spotting which I thought was slowing down came back again in the afternoon, I called the nurse right away and she asked me to come in to see the doctor in person. As this was not a scheduled visit I didn't call mic but went alone, and the scan revealed the answer to the very question in the title.

I saw ONE beautiful little sac on the screen. It's just a sac at 5W3D (5-weeks and 3-days) but the doctor said we should be able to see the heartbeat in a week's time. Luckily he also confirmed the spotting is just old blood so I just need to rest some more but no need to worry too much for the time being and to be on the safe side he is checking again the hormone levels to see if I need more progesterone support.

Well, one is better than none and at least it helped us solve the name problem (as Mic and I have picked one girl and one boy's name, we didn't quite know what to do if we end up with two boys or two girls). Little K, stay strong and hang in there! We can't wait to see your little heart at next Monday's visit.

Week 6: Nausea

Yesterday marked my first day into Week 6. Other than the spotting, the extreme fatigue, and a little insomnia (hence the post now) things have been going well. The flexibility at work helped a great deal that I have been able to rest lots at home and trying to ease the spotting. Then last night I had my first taste of the nausea.

Our friends K and C came for dinner -- we were going to dine out but then I really just didn't feel like sitting outside at a restaurant so had them over at our place instead. It's great that our full time helper can manage a few dishes quite well and with a little help prepare a good meal for guests and the food was delicious and we all ate lots around good conversation.

Then all of a sudden, the food just did not appeal to me anymore.

It hits you like a bomb. I sat at the dinner table for a minute while the conversation continued, but the smell of everything I so happily chow'ed down just a few seconds ago made me sick. I had to leave the table and head into the bedroom, a "neutral smell ground". A few minutes later after a few very deep breaths I managed to keep the food down but had to move away from the dining area completely afterwards.

It really is quite a funny experience (since I didn't have any at my 2010 pregnancy) how it changes so swiftly. I hope this will not be a recurring theme for the rest of the first trimester, although the reassuring sign is that the Mayo Clinic book said people who experience morning sickness have 80% less chance of a miscarriage. If that's the case, then bring it on!

Type A Personality

I wonder how many people actually try to chart their HCG levels.

I had my third blood test in a week since the spotting hasn't stopped and I am still on the doctor's order to be in bed rest, the only way to confirm the pregnancy is still going well is the HCG level which is supposed to double every 36 hours or so. For the times I am not lying down in bed (that is eating, going to the bathroom and showering, plus I allow myself short intervals of getting on the internet), I frantically search information about what is supposed to happen in my body. It is really amazing how much information you get on the web these days (who needs a book anymore!), and there's even a website that charts your HCG levels vs the average, the min and max levels by day!

I told mic about my findings and he chuckled. In the old days people probably just want to hear from the doctor that everything is fine. In the new information age we try to understand and research everything ourselves. That chart was probably a moment of my Type A personality jumping out -- a glimpse into the future tiger mom? I hope I will learn to be more chilled out and less controlling!