Week 9: Little Monster

I make quite a horrible sound when I feel nauseous, even though I have never really thrown up so far, the sound effect is like I am about to turn my entire stomach inside out (Now I totally understand the reason pregnant people are anti-social for three months).

Mic has nicknamed the sound effect "Little Monster", he said if there was a mythical creature that looks like a frog, it must sound like me.

Well, luckily little monster don't come out as often as two weeks ago. Maybe god is giving me a break since I was sent to the hospital last week, and decided to at least take one horrible feeling away temporarily. It still happens, but at least not morning, afternoon, AND night. Mic and I are now able to joke about where the little monster is and how often it comes out.

Four more weeks before I am through with the first trimester, and hopefully little monster will return to its mythical home forever by then.

Week 8: Thank God

The bleeding on Thursday night was caused be a 2cm separation between the placenta and the uterus. The visit to the doctor on Friday morning went well, little K has grown a bit more and heart was beating as strong as ever.

To be on the safe side, the doctor wanted me hospitalized for a few days on "strict bed rest with toilet privileges", so I spent the weekend in the hospital. The bleeding has now eased and I was able to go home one day ahead of schedule.

We are very thankful that the scary episode had a happy ending -- one more week of bed rest is not the worst thing in the world and I am to obey with my new supply of DVDs from friends. The experience once again taught me to focus on what we can control and trust and hope on what is beyond our control. It is humbling also, that life is not just about trying to do all the right things, as often the outcome of these important things in life --- life and death, are still outside of our hands even if we try to do everything right. At least this time, that darkest and longest night of my life, I was able to not shed a single tear, and tried my best to remain calm. Mic is really my role model in that regard, being with him, I knew that everything was going to be okay.

Thank little K for hanging on strong in the slightly broken home (which hopefully will be repaired in a few weeks time when the wound is healed), and thank God, for every breath and every heartbeat that was given to us and our baby, in our lives.

Please pray for us

I must have just gone through the longest night of my life.

The bleeding came back late last night around 11pm. It was heavy almost like a period. The nurse said as long as it does not come with cramps we can wait till the morning to come in to see the doctor, and the main thing is to rest and try to not move around much. I lay as still as I can in my bed with thoughts streaming through my head, all the fear of loss....

I must remain calm and hopeful. That's the best I can do for my baby right now.

Unable to sleep at all the entire night. Mic wakes with any of my slightest movement and holds my hand to calm me down and whispers he loves me into my ear. My love, I know we will be able to get through anything in life as long as we have each other.

And all my friends and family whom we have shared this news with, please pray for us. We need all the positive thoughts we can get.

Food...I miss loving you....

For a food lover like me, these few weeks has been quite torturous. My total love affair with food in the past has turned into quite a complicated relationship.

I know I don't have it as bad as some of my friends, so I really shouldn't complain, but this daily battle three times a day of "What Should I Eat?" is driving me rather insane.

First there is the queasiness when you are hungry. You know your stomach is growling but there seems to be nothing that tickles your fancy. While I used to love thinking about a varied menu and have all these ideas of what I wanted to make and eat, now that is the question I dread the most. My poor helper used to take guidance from me on what to buy and make every day, now I just stare back with total blankness in my eyes and trying to concentrate on not puking before the meal.

The actual eating part is the only part that seems to go well so far (thankfully). As soon as I put the first bite in my mouth then it is all okay. Although it takes a long time for me to work up the courage to look at the meal on the table, and to take my first bite, at least I am still able to eat.

Then there comes the queasiness after you eat. Without fail, 30 minutes after the meal I feel like I wanted it out of my stomach. The smell, the taste, and everything that was yummy about it moments before seems like a distant dream. And I try to either take my mind off it by playing "draw something" or going to sleep so it can all go away like a bad dream.

I miss the days when I just loved my food, had endless ideas about food, the flavors, the combinations, the scent that used to get me so excited every day. Food, I miss loving you.

Week 7: Your tiny little heart

This morning, we saw the little heart beating on the monitor.

It was the most amazing experience and the best relief to what I went through the night before.

The weekend was beautiful and sunny. After lunch at 鼎泰豐 in Causeway Bay so I could get my fix on sweet and sour soup, Mic and I went to Kowloon Park to spend an afternoon lazing under the sun. It was just perfect, the temperature, the sun, and the breeze in the air, on a small but precious patch of grass (in Hong Kong!) for our closest experience to man made nature. We then parted so I could catch my tango movie. Since I was feeling fine the past few days I thought I could use a little more exercise, I decided to walk. It was only about an hour, on flat paved surface but I might still have overestimated my ability. The evening ended up with some bright bed bleeding and I was so scared I was in tears and thought I was losing the little K. A call into the nurse at night, she told us as long as there are no cramps we should try to rest the night and come in to see the doctor first thing on Monday.

Mic has just been amazing every single day. He takes care of me by putting snacks on the night stand and scatter grapefruit around the house (that is my savior to combat queasiness these days), and he calms me down at my moments of panic. Through him I am trying to learn to make the highs a little less high and the lows a little less low. I often joke about his lack of emotion, but at times like last night I actually really appreciate his ability to isolate the things we can control and things we can't. In our future roles at parents I am sure we will need a lot of that to get through life.

Anyway, glad that scan showed that little K is developing well and on track, and with that vote of confidence I decided to break the news to my family a little ahead of the end of the first trimester.

Golden Dragon drama

This year is an auspicious year for the Chinese -- not only is it the dragon year, it is the "Golden Dragon" year. I was told the birth rate in Taiwan went up as much as double and Hong Kong is probably experiencing the same phenomenon. We did NOT plan for the arrival of K for the dragon year. On the contrary, I always thought of the poor babies born in these so called "good luck" years had to face so much more competition from their peers and may not be so lucky after all. However, we were just trying to beat the tick tock clock to get pregnant as quick as possible so that we don't get any older before we become parents, and, we got lucky at our first shot of IVF.

I am already feeling the golden dragon craziness as I am having trouble finding a hospital and a confinement lady.

In Hong Kong, unlike Taiwan where people go to a confinement center (月子中心), instead you hire a confinement lady (月嫂) who will stay at your house 24/7 for a month or more to cook the right food for you and help take care of the baby. Usually people book around the end of the first trimester when the pregnancy was more stable, so I thought I had time.

The other day being reminded that given the dragon year I might want to start looking a little earlier for these things, I started to call around a few friends who had babies recently for a few recommendations and to help me check availability of these popular ladies.

The result was shocking. All of them were already booked through November, and some even through December and January -- I mean, the December babies are not even conceived yet!!! So now I am down to two possible options -- one that my friend E highly recommended but only available in December, will probably need to find someone to tie over the two weeks in November, or another one that was a second choice for my friend K when hers took a few days leave to attend a wedding. I probably need to make a decision and pay a deposit soon before these two options disappear.

I still find it a bit insane that I am doing all this research so early before I even saw my own baby's heartbeat, but I think with the nausea I am experiencing day and night our little K is probably hanging on very tight and we might as well plan for the best outcome and give out those shiny golden dragon coins to these very popular ladies.

ps. I will report back to see if I finally get a room at the hospital when I hear back from the nurse!

Patience

This is my fourth week at home. The first two I took voluntarily to make sure I am in the best shape possible for the critical implantation phase. The last two was ordered by the doctor since the spotting/bleeding lasted a bit longer than I was hoping for.

The days were long (I think I have exhausted the things you can do while staying on bed rest), and the fatigue from doing nothing also has been frustrating (why I am tired all the time when all I am doing is resting?).

I anxiously await the next doctor's appointment to see the baby's heartbeat on the monitor to ensure that everything is okay, yet I also know there are multiple challenges down the line. It's like a video game that you are trying to pass the multiple levels before you win the grand prize - The positive pregnancy test was merely the first level, then heartbeat on the 7th week, then the various tests/screening along the way, until you have a healthy baby in your arms, there are so much to be worried about (and quite frankly, probably even more to worry after the baby is born).

Parenthood will probably be the best training for patience I will get. Ultimately, no one but God knows what stands ahead of each day, and I need to learn for the patience and the peace to live each day without worrying. For what will be will be, and we can only live life the fullest by doing what we can and letting go what we cannot control.