I tossed and turned all night.
I stopped googling and reading about the condition. Reading the losses just makes the fears worse. I thought I was getting better at this, but I am still just a weak weak soul filled with fear. Vasa previa has a 50- 90% infant mortality rate if not dealt with properly. The thought that I could lose little K right at the finish line just makes me lie wide awake in the middle of the night, breaking out with cold sweet and tears.
Of course knowing is better than not knowing. At least now we know, we have to make alternative arrangements and I may need to spend the next 4-6 weeks in a hospital, a little longer and earlier than I had anticipated, but at least we know the risk can be managed if we have the medical team on alert and me being in a medical facility is as close to managing the risk best we can.
I thought I could leisurely set up the baby room now that we finally no longer have occupying guests for the guest room, I had plans for putting up the cute safari wall stickers I got, putting the little clothes and stuffed animals in place, and was even planning on getting some belly photos taken in the new nursery once I get it done but now all of that seems not so important any more. I just want little K to come out healthy and well, even if the room is just bare walls with a cot.
Getting into execution mode, I started to make arrangements to transition my roles at work a month earlier to the team, thinking about what I need to pack for the hospital stay, and also getting a few doctors lined up both for the care of me and the pediatrician for little K since he might come out pre-mature rather than the 38 week full term date we had scheduled. The to-do list gets longer, the time seems so compressed. It seems that long before becoming a parent we already have to learn to deal with the sudden changes and things constantly forcing us to be flexible and make alternative plans.
Mic is so strong throughout this process I often wonder if he needs to let out any tears like me before he can stay strong for us. I am so blessed to have such an amazing husband, who stands by me like a rock, and I know that through the waves and tides, that I have all the love, support, prayers to keep me strong and standing tall.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Week 32: Previa Queen
I guess I should be called the "Previa Queen".
After the "placenta previa", I now have what's called "vasa previa", which is a very very rare condition (1:2500 reported cases) where the fetal blood vessel crosses the entrance to the birth cannel. In my case, it's on the membrane in between my two placenta lobes and right by the cervix (about 0.7 cm away). At the routine exam with the doctor today, she sat me down in that ever so serious face that I can just tell I am about to be hit with some bad news.
She's suggesting early hospitalization since that's the best prevention or way to deal with the situation, essentially an emergency c-section within 15 mins with bleeding or leaking water. She was concerned that even though my home is 15 mins away from the hospital may not be fast enough to deal with the situation unless I am actually in the hospital for the doctors to operate on me literally right away, otherwise the baby's life is at risk. The good thing is all else seems to be going well, baby is developing well, now at close to 2kg, and moving like a rock star.
Since she's my "back-up" doctor at Queen Mary hospital, I also need to speak to my main doctor and get a few opinions about what to do. Reading up on the websites it seems that most people are hospitalized in the third trimester and having a c-section at 35 or 36 weeks.
I cried a little. It's hard not to worry. At the same time I continue to pray, that God has sustained me and little K this far, and he will not give up on us now.
After the "placenta previa", I now have what's called "vasa previa", which is a very very rare condition (1:2500 reported cases) where the fetal blood vessel crosses the entrance to the birth cannel. In my case, it's on the membrane in between my two placenta lobes and right by the cervix (about 0.7 cm away). At the routine exam with the doctor today, she sat me down in that ever so serious face that I can just tell I am about to be hit with some bad news.
She's suggesting early hospitalization since that's the best prevention or way to deal with the situation, essentially an emergency c-section within 15 mins with bleeding or leaking water. She was concerned that even though my home is 15 mins away from the hospital may not be fast enough to deal with the situation unless I am actually in the hospital for the doctors to operate on me literally right away, otherwise the baby's life is at risk. The good thing is all else seems to be going well, baby is developing well, now at close to 2kg, and moving like a rock star.
Since she's my "back-up" doctor at Queen Mary hospital, I also need to speak to my main doctor and get a few opinions about what to do. Reading up on the websites it seems that most people are hospitalized in the third trimester and having a c-section at 35 or 36 weeks.
I cried a little. It's hard not to worry. At the same time I continue to pray, that God has sustained me and little K this far, and he will not give up on us now.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
I officially outweigh my husband
Stepping on the scale in the morning, I am officially heavier than Mic.
Considering there is at least another 7-8 weeks to go, I wonder what the final weeks will bring. The backache is on just about 20 out of the 24 hours in a day (and the four hours when I don't feel it is probably when I am sleeping in between getting up to pee a million times at night), and all the physiotherapy, massage seems to only offer very very temporary relief. But all of this weight indicates that little K is gaining strength inside, as evidenced by his stronger and stronger kicks that I feel all the time now.
Of course some of this weight inevitably is on me -- I am certainly aware of how big my face looks in all the photos now and have to do some screening before mic is allowed to download them onto our computer.
He said to me the other night while we were both at awe with how big my belly is now, "I think your thighs are also getting thicker"... Not a smart move, my dear. You try strapping on a 10 kg bowling ball to your abs and see if your thighs will grow bigger.
Considering there is at least another 7-8 weeks to go, I wonder what the final weeks will bring. The backache is on just about 20 out of the 24 hours in a day (and the four hours when I don't feel it is probably when I am sleeping in between getting up to pee a million times at night), and all the physiotherapy, massage seems to only offer very very temporary relief. But all of this weight indicates that little K is gaining strength inside, as evidenced by his stronger and stronger kicks that I feel all the time now.
Of course some of this weight inevitably is on me -- I am certainly aware of how big my face looks in all the photos now and have to do some screening before mic is allowed to download them onto our computer.
He said to me the other night while we were both at awe with how big my belly is now, "I think your thighs are also getting thicker"... Not a smart move, my dear. You try strapping on a 10 kg bowling ball to your abs and see if your thighs will grow bigger.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Week 31: We have a date!
There are two meanings to a "date".
First, Mic is super sweet and started to initiate our "weekly date night", where we dress up a little, find a nice restaurant, and spend an evening just the two of us. He did it so we have a little time to ourselves while his parents are still staying with us in Hong Kong, but I hope this will be good practice before little K joins the family to remind us that we still need time for each other and will continue even after he arrives. We had two dates so far and other than the fact that they start at 630pm and end before 9pm to accommodate the sleepy and tired pregnant lady, it's been great.
Second, it's "THE" date of little K's birth -- So this week's regular check up, the doctor has scheduled us in for a C-section at 38 weeks. He said the placenta situation has improved, and now it's just the membrane in between my big and small placentas that's covering the cervix but not the placenta itself (don't ask me how it managed to split into two! My strange placenta has a mind of its own, clearly -- from deciding to split from the uterus temporarily at week 7, to covering the cervix at week 22, to now splitting into two!?), so the risk of bleeding is somewhat reduced. The cord is still close to the cervix and there's still a chance of rupture, but any bit of good news is good news, and we walked out of the doctor's office feeling like the day is just a little bit brighter.
And with that, instead of aiming for the 37 week mark and the "wait-and-see" approach, the doctor is now targeting a date during week 38 instead for the procedure. He asked us if we had a date in mind -- I honestly never thought about being able to determine the birth date of our child, and was hoping he would sort of determine his own timing of coming to this world, but now that he asked, I wonder if I should check the Chinese calendar just in case.
Also, I guess there's no way of avoiding a Scorpio boy (even though I was again secretly hoping for a different star sign), so it will be the early November that we will get to meet him for the very first time.
First, Mic is super sweet and started to initiate our "weekly date night", where we dress up a little, find a nice restaurant, and spend an evening just the two of us. He did it so we have a little time to ourselves while his parents are still staying with us in Hong Kong, but I hope this will be good practice before little K joins the family to remind us that we still need time for each other and will continue even after he arrives. We had two dates so far and other than the fact that they start at 630pm and end before 9pm to accommodate the sleepy and tired pregnant lady, it's been great.
Second, it's "THE" date of little K's birth -- So this week's regular check up, the doctor has scheduled us in for a C-section at 38 weeks. He said the placenta situation has improved, and now it's just the membrane in between my big and small placentas that's covering the cervix but not the placenta itself (don't ask me how it managed to split into two! My strange placenta has a mind of its own, clearly -- from deciding to split from the uterus temporarily at week 7, to covering the cervix at week 22, to now splitting into two!?), so the risk of bleeding is somewhat reduced. The cord is still close to the cervix and there's still a chance of rupture, but any bit of good news is good news, and we walked out of the doctor's office feeling like the day is just a little bit brighter.
And with that, instead of aiming for the 37 week mark and the "wait-and-see" approach, the doctor is now targeting a date during week 38 instead for the procedure. He asked us if we had a date in mind -- I honestly never thought about being able to determine the birth date of our child, and was hoping he would sort of determine his own timing of coming to this world, but now that he asked, I wonder if I should check the Chinese calendar just in case.
Also, I guess there's no way of avoiding a Scorpio boy (even though I was again secretly hoping for a different star sign), so it will be the early November that we will get to meet him for the very first time.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Week 30: Hot Mama
Unfortunately not like how you might think the title suggests, the last thing I feel right now is the "attractive" type of hot, instead it is this constant radiator like heat coming from my body, together with the Hong Kong heat and humidity, making it just a little harder for these final months.
My air-con at home is always blasting at 23 degrees and yet I still feel the urge sometimes to strip naked and stand in front of an open fridge door to cool down (disclaimer: I haven't actually done that yet). Luckily even according to the Chinese medicine wisdom once you are at the eighth month mark it is okay to consume foods with the "cool/cold" nature so I can finally have that juicy watermelon I have been eyeing for the last few months, not to mention I have long ignored the advise of not eating anything cold and chowed down ice cream and cold drinks for a few weeks already.
The most amusing thing is when I am up at 3am every night for my usual n+ times bathroom break that I see mic curled up under the sheet fully covered and wrapped in blankets while I am sleeping on top of all the sheets, still panting and reaching for the remote to turn on the ceiling fan. This was such a contrast to me being the one that's always cold, and mic being the one that's always hot -- I guess with this role reversal I can finally sympathize with him and he can finally sympathize with me in the past.
Strange what hormones can do to you.
My air-con at home is always blasting at 23 degrees and yet I still feel the urge sometimes to strip naked and stand in front of an open fridge door to cool down (disclaimer: I haven't actually done that yet). Luckily even according to the Chinese medicine wisdom once you are at the eighth month mark it is okay to consume foods with the "cool/cold" nature so I can finally have that juicy watermelon I have been eyeing for the last few months, not to mention I have long ignored the advise of not eating anything cold and chowed down ice cream and cold drinks for a few weeks already.
The most amusing thing is when I am up at 3am every night for my usual n+ times bathroom break that I see mic curled up under the sheet fully covered and wrapped in blankets while I am sleeping on top of all the sheets, still panting and reaching for the remote to turn on the ceiling fan. This was such a contrast to me being the one that's always cold, and mic being the one that's always hot -- I guess with this role reversal I can finally sympathize with him and he can finally sympathize with me in the past.
Strange what hormones can do to you.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Risk Management
So while I still have my placenta precvia, we have learned from the doctor I also have a "marginal insertion of the cord". What that means is the cord is attached to the edge of the placenta, which also is very close to the cervix and has a higher risk of rupture which can be very dangerous for the baby because that means when I bleed, the baby may be bleeding, too. Of course the poor little thing doesn't have much blood to drain so one of the older doctors we saw seem to highlight that to be more of a risk (and a more rare case of high risk pregnancy) than the placenta situation and requires an experienced doctor who will be very quick with the c-section.
The good news is now that we are so used to this kind of news and more medical terms thrown at us, as long as it falls in the category of "there's nothing we can do about it", we have really sort of learned to let it go, and file it under the risk management part of our brain. The bottom line is, any type of bleeding with me will be an emergency and we just need to be quick in getting to the hospital and leave the rest up to God and the medical team that will be looking after me and little K.
The high risk pregnancy does make me appreciate every passing day with a little more awareness about the blessings we have each day. Sometimes, the blessing can be as small as "we have made it through another day with no sign of bleeding", and when that involves the risk of life and death, even that can be huge.
I have also came to terms with the fact that everyone's pregnancy is just different. Unfortunately I don't have the luck to be like one of my colleagues who was still hopping around in her high heels around 38 weeks in the office and leave on a Friday from work for a delivery on Saturday and the whole process just seems like a breeze.
But I am also convinced that every thing in life happens for a good reason. There are good lessons and takeaways for me to learn --- I had to slow down, I had to let go, I had to trust, I had to pray, and I had to thoroughly embrace the fact that I have been blessed to bear a life in my womb we have been looking forward to for so long despite all the physical discomforts of pregnancy.
The next milestone is week 34, which is the point when my doctor seem to think I can deliver at my originally booked private hospital as then the intervention related to pre-mature babies are a lot less and we don't need the public hospital ICU anymore, and of course the best is if we can make it to 37 or 38 weeks for my scheduled c-section safe and sound. As with all risk management strategies, we always hope everything is just for back-up, and that black swan scenario would never ever happen.
ps. we finally saw the first rendering of little K's 3D face yesterday, and he has a handsome little face! :)
The good news is now that we are so used to this kind of news and more medical terms thrown at us, as long as it falls in the category of "there's nothing we can do about it", we have really sort of learned to let it go, and file it under the risk management part of our brain. The bottom line is, any type of bleeding with me will be an emergency and we just need to be quick in getting to the hospital and leave the rest up to God and the medical team that will be looking after me and little K.
The high risk pregnancy does make me appreciate every passing day with a little more awareness about the blessings we have each day. Sometimes, the blessing can be as small as "we have made it through another day with no sign of bleeding", and when that involves the risk of life and death, even that can be huge.
I have also came to terms with the fact that everyone's pregnancy is just different. Unfortunately I don't have the luck to be like one of my colleagues who was still hopping around in her high heels around 38 weeks in the office and leave on a Friday from work for a delivery on Saturday and the whole process just seems like a breeze.
But I am also convinced that every thing in life happens for a good reason. There are good lessons and takeaways for me to learn --- I had to slow down, I had to let go, I had to trust, I had to pray, and I had to thoroughly embrace the fact that I have been blessed to bear a life in my womb we have been looking forward to for so long despite all the physical discomforts of pregnancy.
The next milestone is week 34, which is the point when my doctor seem to think I can deliver at my originally booked private hospital as then the intervention related to pre-mature babies are a lot less and we don't need the public hospital ICU anymore, and of course the best is if we can make it to 37 or 38 weeks for my scheduled c-section safe and sound. As with all risk management strategies, we always hope everything is just for back-up, and that black swan scenario would never ever happen.
ps. we finally saw the first rendering of little K's 3D face yesterday, and he has a handsome little face! :)
Monday, August 27, 2012
Week 29: Nesting
First, I have made it past week 28!
As the count down continues, the mix of feelings between excitement, anxiousness, plus a little bit of fear are all coming together. I think my hormones have been rather kind to me (and to mic) so I haven't had many episodes of extreme mood swings, but as they say in all the books about "nesting instincts", the number one anxiety I have is the fact that I feel rather anxious to set up our home for little K's arrival. I have already been converting all of our house cleaning methods away from chemical based stuff to natural solutions, and the next step is to set up the baby room. The anxiety is compounded especially with the medical risks that I have adding more uncertainty to the timing, and I feel the energy drifting away every day as the third trimester comes and I am back to the half comatose state every day.
Thanks to the fact that I am having little K following so many of my friends' footsteps, I have been a great beneficiary of hand-me-downs. Not only did I not have to buy any maternity clothing, little K will also be using cots, strollers, clothes, tubs from big brothers and sisters he will soon have a chance to meet. They are now pretty much all collected and PILED in our living room extension area. I had to draw the curtains constantly just so the sight of untidiness doesn't bother me.
The reason we haven't been able to set up the room yet is because my mother-in-law is back in HK again this year and spending an extended period with us -- the main reason mic has left work for two months this summer. My father-in-law will be joining us in 2 weeks time for another week so it's a total period for about 6 weeks that we don't have our home to ourselves. During this time we won't have the space to clear out and set up little K's room. And if the past pattern indicates future performance, the consumption power of these two are quite unparalleled, so our place will also need to be a temporary storage for them until they pack all their goodies back home. (MORE stuff PILED UP!)
I admire mic for having the heart and spending the time to do this for his parents, and I wanted to be the wife that's fully supportive, but at the same time the selfishness just creeps back into my heart constantly. I am so wanting to have a bit of time for just the two of us before little K comes and before I get too big and tired, because the next time we will have that time for each other might be 20 years from now? I am also so wanting to set up our home properly before I run out of energy (and that feels like an hourglass with the hole for the sand to go through suddenly widened while I watch it happen with zero control over my draining energy, kind of like superman meeting kryptonite). And with all this going on in my mind and body I have to try to hide the impatience I am getting to be a proper host.
I started to think -- we all have multiple roles we are fulfilling in life. We have had the luxury of our family being relatively healthy and independent the past decade, so we have pretty much concentrated on just being ourselves and playing the "husband" and "wife" role, but probably less so the "son" or "daughter" role. In the future, in addition to taking on the new roles of being a "mother" and a "father", there will probably be more demands on our time as "sons and daughters" as our parents age as well. Perhaps the "us" time era is long gone already, I just haven't had the courage to face it. Also as new parents ourselves, we are inevitably shaping little K's surroundings and life by the roles that we choose to pay more attention to. I, for one, had an amazingly close relationship with my grandmother, and if I don't provide little K with the environment with my in-laws, I am simply depriving him of that opportunity to even build that relationship.
All this reflection aside, I still really really want to have our flat back to set up the room!
As the count down continues, the mix of feelings between excitement, anxiousness, plus a little bit of fear are all coming together. I think my hormones have been rather kind to me (and to mic) so I haven't had many episodes of extreme mood swings, but as they say in all the books about "nesting instincts", the number one anxiety I have is the fact that I feel rather anxious to set up our home for little K's arrival. I have already been converting all of our house cleaning methods away from chemical based stuff to natural solutions, and the next step is to set up the baby room. The anxiety is compounded especially with the medical risks that I have adding more uncertainty to the timing, and I feel the energy drifting away every day as the third trimester comes and I am back to the half comatose state every day.
Thanks to the fact that I am having little K following so many of my friends' footsteps, I have been a great beneficiary of hand-me-downs. Not only did I not have to buy any maternity clothing, little K will also be using cots, strollers, clothes, tubs from big brothers and sisters he will soon have a chance to meet. They are now pretty much all collected and PILED in our living room extension area. I had to draw the curtains constantly just so the sight of untidiness doesn't bother me.
The reason we haven't been able to set up the room yet is because my mother-in-law is back in HK again this year and spending an extended period with us -- the main reason mic has left work for two months this summer. My father-in-law will be joining us in 2 weeks time for another week so it's a total period for about 6 weeks that we don't have our home to ourselves. During this time we won't have the space to clear out and set up little K's room. And if the past pattern indicates future performance, the consumption power of these two are quite unparalleled, so our place will also need to be a temporary storage for them until they pack all their goodies back home. (MORE stuff PILED UP!)
I admire mic for having the heart and spending the time to do this for his parents, and I wanted to be the wife that's fully supportive, but at the same time the selfishness just creeps back into my heart constantly. I am so wanting to have a bit of time for just the two of us before little K comes and before I get too big and tired, because the next time we will have that time for each other might be 20 years from now? I am also so wanting to set up our home properly before I run out of energy (and that feels like an hourglass with the hole for the sand to go through suddenly widened while I watch it happen with zero control over my draining energy, kind of like superman meeting kryptonite). And with all this going on in my mind and body I have to try to hide the impatience I am getting to be a proper host.
I started to think -- we all have multiple roles we are fulfilling in life. We have had the luxury of our family being relatively healthy and independent the past decade, so we have pretty much concentrated on just being ourselves and playing the "husband" and "wife" role, but probably less so the "son" or "daughter" role. In the future, in addition to taking on the new roles of being a "mother" and a "father", there will probably be more demands on our time as "sons and daughters" as our parents age as well. Perhaps the "us" time era is long gone already, I just haven't had the courage to face it. Also as new parents ourselves, we are inevitably shaping little K's surroundings and life by the roles that we choose to pay more attention to. I, for one, had an amazingly close relationship with my grandmother, and if I don't provide little K with the environment with my in-laws, I am simply depriving him of that opportunity to even build that relationship.
All this reflection aside, I still really really want to have our flat back to set up the room!
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