Yesterday turned out to be my last day at work.
I wasn't exactly expecting that but the doctor's visit my main OB confirmed the plan that I should be getting steroid shots end of this week (week 33) to mature the baby's lungs, and admitted to the hospital end of next week (week 34) to be observed for when the best timing is for C-section, but aiming at some point 35/36 weeks for now. It looks like we may have avoided a Scorpio baby after all, but then again I stopped caring for the star signs, the auspicious Chinese calendar dates -- I just want him out alive and healthy.
The good news is my doctor had dealt with 3 cases of vasa previa before, and 2 of them made it to 37 weeks full term, so he still thinks if we monitor closely there's a chance that little K will be born healthy just like the others he delivered before. The last case apparently was diagnosed at birth and also turned out okay so my doctor was proudly telling us he has not lost a baby because of this condition. In any case he doesn't think I should be at work and I had to agree with him -- with all this going on in my head and the emotional stress, I am surprised that I could even function at work some times.
The next time I am back in the office would be sometime in 2013 if all goes well after my 4 month maternity leave.
I didn't really say my goodbyes since the circumstances so sudden and condition so personal, I didn't share it with the "just colleagues" people but just my bosses and a few friends at work, and still had to nod and smile to people in the lift who congratulated me and asking me how things are going or when I was due.
This is it. No more blackberries, no more heels and suits (well, I haven't been able to fit in either for a long time), no more banker cynicism, no more charts and presentation. I am ready to be a mother, so bring it on.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
Week 33: Fat Fingers
For the first time in 11 years, I will no longer be wearing my engagement ring.
Yesterday after dinner, I almost cut off the entire blood supply of my finger attempting to take off my ring. In the end soapy water helped to solve the problem and left me with a finger in tact, but I didn't want to have to repeat the same episode every night, so the ring is going to the safe now, and back out when my finger returns to its normal size.
Other than my finger, apparently my arms are also getting bigger (so my dear husband tells me). I really am not gaining that much weight in the third trimester so far, so I am blaming it all on the water retention that's making me look puffy and fat.
While I am on the topic of mic pointing out all of my body parts that are getting bigger, he said to me the other day trying to help me get off my bed that I resembled a "beached whale", but then added the sentence that if I am a whale then he is like those Green Peace guys that help the whale. I don't know to cry or to laugh. Now I have learned to play along with the joke and calls the Green Peace troop HK rep to get me off the bed, off the sofa, massage the sore back and leg cramps, and even cut the toe nails I can no longer reach.
It's not that bad being a whale, I am kinda liking my dedicated Green Peace dude.
Yesterday after dinner, I almost cut off the entire blood supply of my finger attempting to take off my ring. In the end soapy water helped to solve the problem and left me with a finger in tact, but I didn't want to have to repeat the same episode every night, so the ring is going to the safe now, and back out when my finger returns to its normal size.
Other than my finger, apparently my arms are also getting bigger (so my dear husband tells me). I really am not gaining that much weight in the third trimester so far, so I am blaming it all on the water retention that's making me look puffy and fat.
While I am on the topic of mic pointing out all of my body parts that are getting bigger, he said to me the other day trying to help me get off my bed that I resembled a "beached whale", but then added the sentence that if I am a whale then he is like those Green Peace guys that help the whale. I don't know to cry or to laugh. Now I have learned to play along with the joke and calls the Green Peace troop HK rep to get me off the bed, off the sofa, massage the sore back and leg cramps, and even cut the toe nails I can no longer reach.
It's not that bad being a whale, I am kinda liking my dedicated Green Peace dude.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Surprise Baby Shower
I had no idea why mic was pushing me to take a shower in the evening since I have been in bed all day with my PJ's trying to get over this nasty flu that refuses to go away. Until Laura showed up at the door with the cake boxes I realized my stubbornness to not take a shower was probably not a great idea and I wasn't going to be spending the evening alone curled up at the couch with my hot honey lemon drink.
They put together the event in two days apparently -- another thing that got expedited with my vasa previa condition since I might be in the hospital soon. The evening was a small gathering of friends, with beautifully laid out canapes and good conversation. I felt blessed with such amazingly beautiful friendships in life and touched so deeply in my heart -- all those that cried with me, laughed with me, went all the way to Hokkaido temple to buy me a 安產御守 (good luck charm for a safe birth), those that emailed, texted me from overseas to tell me that I am in their daily prayers and thoughts, those that encouraged me, wiped away my tears, and kept me strong.
The celebration, however, was bittersweet.
After just coming back from anther doctor yesterday afternoon, being told that the case was so rare I was the second one the doctor has ever encountered, and the risk so great if there is any fetal bleeding from the vasa previa most likely there will be nothing the doctor can do to save little K's life. So all the bed rest and hospitalization recommendations were merely other doctors' way to show you they have tried to do something, but in reality the line between life and death is just a few minutes, unless I am already on an operating table, even the 15 mins to get me to the operating table while I am already in the hospital is not enough. I sort of know that already from these two days of reading on the web, speaking to doctors but it still weighs a thousand pounds when someone with a medical degree says it out loud.
I am so afraid, afraid that I am getting my hopes up too high that I will see little K's face, hear his first cry in my arms, that every little sock, tiny hat, cute outfit, every gift, every memory of us trying to celebrate the arrival of him will be just too painful to bear if we don't make it that far.
My tears roll down with that thought of doubt, fearing I am not strong enough to even believe he will join our family, but the pain of fear was unbearable, and I couldn't stop that thought of doubt.
Mic said we should celebrate, no matter what happens, we should celebrate that have made it this far. And yes, my dear little K, we should celebrate the miracle of life, watching you grow from that 4-cell embryo into a strong baby that makes those strong little kicks and brings a smile to our face, to the cute little face with that handsome little nose. We should celebrate all the ups and downs you bring to our life, and the moments that you remind us how we are so blessed.
And yesterday, little K, you reminded mommy that I am so blessed with wonderful friendships, one of the greatest reasons that makes life worth living on earth.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Flu
For the first time in eight months, I didn't feel hot but felt cold.
I knew something wasn't right on Wednesday when I didn't feel having the office air-con blasting on me was a good feeling, and that very afternoon I started to have a watery nose, sore throat, followed by a low fever.
Luckily this is the first time (and hopefully the only time) I fell ill during this pregnancy. Not being to have any drugs help you tame the symptoms clearly makes recovery a little less comfortable. I was never the type to rely too much on drugs, so the course of recovery is not that different from how I would normally handle a flu - lots of fluid, and lots and lots of sleep seemed to always work. Last night I woke up at 4am from a completely blocked sinus and inability to breathe, and decided to sleep sitting upright on the sofa instead. Mic was so sweet and followed me, made me a hot lemon honey, and insisted on sleeping on the sofa so he can make sure I was okay. With this level of care and attention, it will be a crime not to get better soon.
I knew something wasn't right on Wednesday when I didn't feel having the office air-con blasting on me was a good feeling, and that very afternoon I started to have a watery nose, sore throat, followed by a low fever.
Luckily this is the first time (and hopefully the only time) I fell ill during this pregnancy. Not being to have any drugs help you tame the symptoms clearly makes recovery a little less comfortable. I was never the type to rely too much on drugs, so the course of recovery is not that different from how I would normally handle a flu - lots of fluid, and lots and lots of sleep seemed to always work. Last night I woke up at 4am from a completely blocked sinus and inability to breathe, and decided to sleep sitting upright on the sofa instead. Mic was so sweet and followed me, made me a hot lemon honey, and insisted on sleeping on the sofa so he can make sure I was okay. With this level of care and attention, it will be a crime not to get better soon.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Alternative Plans
I tossed and turned all night.
I stopped googling and reading about the condition. Reading the losses just makes the fears worse. I thought I was getting better at this, but I am still just a weak weak soul filled with fear. Vasa previa has a 50- 90% infant mortality rate if not dealt with properly. The thought that I could lose little K right at the finish line just makes me lie wide awake in the middle of the night, breaking out with cold sweet and tears.
Of course knowing is better than not knowing. At least now we know, we have to make alternative arrangements and I may need to spend the next 4-6 weeks in a hospital, a little longer and earlier than I had anticipated, but at least we know the risk can be managed if we have the medical team on alert and me being in a medical facility is as close to managing the risk best we can.
I thought I could leisurely set up the baby room now that we finally no longer have occupying guests for the guest room, I had plans for putting up the cute safari wall stickers I got, putting the little clothes and stuffed animals in place, and was even planning on getting some belly photos taken in the new nursery once I get it done but now all of that seems not so important any more. I just want little K to come out healthy and well, even if the room is just bare walls with a cot.
Getting into execution mode, I started to make arrangements to transition my roles at work a month earlier to the team, thinking about what I need to pack for the hospital stay, and also getting a few doctors lined up both for the care of me and the pediatrician for little K since he might come out pre-mature rather than the 38 week full term date we had scheduled. The to-do list gets longer, the time seems so compressed. It seems that long before becoming a parent we already have to learn to deal with the sudden changes and things constantly forcing us to be flexible and make alternative plans.
Mic is so strong throughout this process I often wonder if he needs to let out any tears like me before he can stay strong for us. I am so blessed to have such an amazing husband, who stands by me like a rock, and I know that through the waves and tides, that I have all the love, support, prayers to keep me strong and standing tall.
I stopped googling and reading about the condition. Reading the losses just makes the fears worse. I thought I was getting better at this, but I am still just a weak weak soul filled with fear. Vasa previa has a 50- 90% infant mortality rate if not dealt with properly. The thought that I could lose little K right at the finish line just makes me lie wide awake in the middle of the night, breaking out with cold sweet and tears.
Of course knowing is better than not knowing. At least now we know, we have to make alternative arrangements and I may need to spend the next 4-6 weeks in a hospital, a little longer and earlier than I had anticipated, but at least we know the risk can be managed if we have the medical team on alert and me being in a medical facility is as close to managing the risk best we can.
I thought I could leisurely set up the baby room now that we finally no longer have occupying guests for the guest room, I had plans for putting up the cute safari wall stickers I got, putting the little clothes and stuffed animals in place, and was even planning on getting some belly photos taken in the new nursery once I get it done but now all of that seems not so important any more. I just want little K to come out healthy and well, even if the room is just bare walls with a cot.
Getting into execution mode, I started to make arrangements to transition my roles at work a month earlier to the team, thinking about what I need to pack for the hospital stay, and also getting a few doctors lined up both for the care of me and the pediatrician for little K since he might come out pre-mature rather than the 38 week full term date we had scheduled. The to-do list gets longer, the time seems so compressed. It seems that long before becoming a parent we already have to learn to deal with the sudden changes and things constantly forcing us to be flexible and make alternative plans.
Mic is so strong throughout this process I often wonder if he needs to let out any tears like me before he can stay strong for us. I am so blessed to have such an amazing husband, who stands by me like a rock, and I know that through the waves and tides, that I have all the love, support, prayers to keep me strong and standing tall.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Week 32: Previa Queen
I guess I should be called the "Previa Queen".
After the "placenta previa", I now have what's called "vasa previa", which is a very very rare condition (1:2500 reported cases) where the fetal blood vessel crosses the entrance to the birth cannel. In my case, it's on the membrane in between my two placenta lobes and right by the cervix (about 0.7 cm away). At the routine exam with the doctor today, she sat me down in that ever so serious face that I can just tell I am about to be hit with some bad news.
She's suggesting early hospitalization since that's the best prevention or way to deal with the situation, essentially an emergency c-section within 15 mins with bleeding or leaking water. She was concerned that even though my home is 15 mins away from the hospital may not be fast enough to deal with the situation unless I am actually in the hospital for the doctors to operate on me literally right away, otherwise the baby's life is at risk. The good thing is all else seems to be going well, baby is developing well, now at close to 2kg, and moving like a rock star.
Since she's my "back-up" doctor at Queen Mary hospital, I also need to speak to my main doctor and get a few opinions about what to do. Reading up on the websites it seems that most people are hospitalized in the third trimester and having a c-section at 35 or 36 weeks.
I cried a little. It's hard not to worry. At the same time I continue to pray, that God has sustained me and little K this far, and he will not give up on us now.
After the "placenta previa", I now have what's called "vasa previa", which is a very very rare condition (1:2500 reported cases) where the fetal blood vessel crosses the entrance to the birth cannel. In my case, it's on the membrane in between my two placenta lobes and right by the cervix (about 0.7 cm away). At the routine exam with the doctor today, she sat me down in that ever so serious face that I can just tell I am about to be hit with some bad news.
She's suggesting early hospitalization since that's the best prevention or way to deal with the situation, essentially an emergency c-section within 15 mins with bleeding or leaking water. She was concerned that even though my home is 15 mins away from the hospital may not be fast enough to deal with the situation unless I am actually in the hospital for the doctors to operate on me literally right away, otherwise the baby's life is at risk. The good thing is all else seems to be going well, baby is developing well, now at close to 2kg, and moving like a rock star.
Since she's my "back-up" doctor at Queen Mary hospital, I also need to speak to my main doctor and get a few opinions about what to do. Reading up on the websites it seems that most people are hospitalized in the third trimester and having a c-section at 35 or 36 weeks.
I cried a little. It's hard not to worry. At the same time I continue to pray, that God has sustained me and little K this far, and he will not give up on us now.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
I officially outweigh my husband
Stepping on the scale in the morning, I am officially heavier than Mic.
Considering there is at least another 7-8 weeks to go, I wonder what the final weeks will bring. The backache is on just about 20 out of the 24 hours in a day (and the four hours when I don't feel it is probably when I am sleeping in between getting up to pee a million times at night), and all the physiotherapy, massage seems to only offer very very temporary relief. But all of this weight indicates that little K is gaining strength inside, as evidenced by his stronger and stronger kicks that I feel all the time now.
Of course some of this weight inevitably is on me -- I am certainly aware of how big my face looks in all the photos now and have to do some screening before mic is allowed to download them onto our computer.
He said to me the other night while we were both at awe with how big my belly is now, "I think your thighs are also getting thicker"... Not a smart move, my dear. You try strapping on a 10 kg bowling ball to your abs and see if your thighs will grow bigger.
Considering there is at least another 7-8 weeks to go, I wonder what the final weeks will bring. The backache is on just about 20 out of the 24 hours in a day (and the four hours when I don't feel it is probably when I am sleeping in between getting up to pee a million times at night), and all the physiotherapy, massage seems to only offer very very temporary relief. But all of this weight indicates that little K is gaining strength inside, as evidenced by his stronger and stronger kicks that I feel all the time now.
Of course some of this weight inevitably is on me -- I am certainly aware of how big my face looks in all the photos now and have to do some screening before mic is allowed to download them onto our computer.
He said to me the other night while we were both at awe with how big my belly is now, "I think your thighs are also getting thicker"... Not a smart move, my dear. You try strapping on a 10 kg bowling ball to your abs and see if your thighs will grow bigger.
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