懶媽媽

我真是一個懶媽。最近回去看高中好友以前的部落格，別人孩子還小的時候都找的出時間替孩子的成長作紀錄，但是我總是以時間分散和睡眠不足為由，每個月連一篇文章都生不出來，真的是太遜了。

我的新希望是不要有宏大的目標寫多了不起的文章，但是至少多多記錄小子玠的成長，因為時間實在過的太快了，不記就忘的事也越來越多了。這麼珍貴的全家在一起的時間真的不應該虛度。

今天小子玠還是一隻小花貓。玫瑰疹果然在醫生說燒退了之後密密麻麻的長在臉上、身上，還會轉移哩！早上大花臉到了下午好了一點，但是腿上也開始出疹子了。生病的小子玠特別黏人，我一分鐘也走不開他的身邊，情緒的起伏也大，忽笑忽哭，捉摸不定。至少燒退了，沒有燙得嚇人，但是大概也沒有完全康復，所以活動力、食慾都差了些，平常活蹦亂跳得爬來爬去，現在只願意在可以觸摸到媽媽的範圍內活動。

我無奈的想著自己被 “軟禁“ 的日子，但是又想想，這個我是他的天、他的地的日子還有多長呢？能夠給他我的愛，我的奶水，滋養他的心靈和身體，有什麼事比這個在我現階段的人生更重要？

First Illness

Jack-Jack's immune system held up for nine months before becoming the victim of illness for the first time.

Our poor little man had a high fever on and off for three days straight, and silly mommy was giving him too little panadol that the fever medicine didn't even work on him (I was following the dosage instructions from the bottle he got at the two month check up).  The doctors said if there were no other accompanying symptoms it could be Roseola.   They were right.  The rashes appeared all over on his little face and body today, but at least the fever was gone and his energy level came back.

Now I can fully appreciate how hard it is for parents to care for a sick baby.  Even this little incident left me exhausted from staying up almost two nights in a row for a a hot baby that was constantly screaming from discomfort.  And thank goodness I am still breast feeding.  At least I still had one tool that still works to calm him down and keep him hydrated when he refuses to drink water/juice from a cup.

Change

Change is uncomfortable.  Change is good.

The new phase has officially begun on July 1 as mic finished his last day at work.  The adjustment phase so far is good -- I enjoy having mic around during the day and no longer dread the beginning of the long days where I have no satisfying adult human interaction, and I like that fact that we both can attend to Jack-Jack through out the day, not missing any of his cute moments or new developments.  I thought it was very endearing that mic said he already noticed so much change from Jack-Jack in the two weeks he's been home.  He is a wonderful father, and I think Jack-Jack will be so lucky to be growing up in such close proximity to his father and building a relationship that will really matter in this life time.  

We are also kept busy because there are tons of administrative things to go through -- sorting out our finances, filing away and throwing things out, and getting ready for the move away from Hong Kong.

The first part of the plan will be an extended period of travel to see the families in Taiwan and Mauritius, and also a longer trip back to NZ for some additional due diligence on our future potential home.   Having a start feels much better than the long anticipation phase.  It is good that we have finally put our words, our worries, our dreams, our fear, into a concrete action plan.

Jack-Jack has no idea what his parents will be putting him through and what sort of life is coming ahead, but hey, it's exciting, no?

Eight Months

Someone once told me that time in motherhood -- the days are long and the years are short -- there cannot be a statement more accurate than this to describe how I feel about the time that's gone by.

The little baby that was kicking inside my tummy last year, giving us the worst scares of our lives that we might lose him, is now rolling and crawling around, pulling my fingers to stand up all by himself, and laughing at the silly noises that we make.  Looking back at the photos and videos over the past eight months, it's hard to believe how excited I was just at him simply opening his eyes in the first week, giving us a smile in month 3, being able to hold something in his hand in month 4, sitting up in month 6, and the list goes on.   All these milestones of the life that blossoms right in front of my eyes.  

This little boy, is a key part of the life changing decisions that Mic and I just made in the last month.

Officially, tomorrow's the last day of mic's corporate life.  I also quit my job last week, even though I will still be an employee for a bit longer, I no longer need to go to the office, so that date I wrote in my blog last year about my last day at work, turned out to be true.

We are embarking on a journey together as a family, unemployed.  

It's exciting and scary at the same time.  The time spent together will be special, the challenges of finding direction and meaning will be very real as well.  Once we don't have the corporate lives to fill our day, how we choose to spend our time, will require more thought and discipline. 

In a way, I have been going through this adjustment, over the past eight months of being a stay-at-home-mom-with-a-job-to-return-to, now I am simply dropping the "with-a-job-to-return-to" part.  I can't say it was all jolly -- while I can't imagine not seeing Jack-Jack for more than 3 hours, it has also been hard to fill the time with him during the day sometimes.  The PPD was a factor, but I think perhaps every mother struggle with the same issue of finding the right balance of self and giving, worry and carefree.  It's a learning process that will take a life time to perfect, and even then it won't be perfect.  But I am glad we are facing up to the challenge together, spending time together, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.

Six Months

It's hard to believe that little Jack-Jack has joined our lives for six months already.

Looking back at the pictures when he was a tiny little new born to the somewhat of a "big boy" he is today, from that fragile little being who can't do anything to a little person that we are getting to know with personality.  He now can flip over, and loves kicking me in the bed when he somehow spins into a horizontal position; he smiles when you read him his favorite books; he gets so impatient when he's ready to nurse that he will pull my shirt with both his hands; he laughs out loud with our silly faces and loves to play peek-a-boo.  He's started his first bite of real food and seems to be taking to it so well -- he finishes big pots of congee, carrots, pumpkin etc.  He even did his first poo on the potty!  He's full of energy and lots of fun.  The only complaint I have is he still refuses to sleep through the night.

Motherhood is tiring, no doubt, but also extremely rewarding at the same time.

I melt, at the pureness of his smile.

I am still trying to find the balance of the role of me and a mother.  To be honest, and it is still sometimes a struggle.  I go through relapses of my depression moods from time to time, and caved to seeking professional medical help as well.  The mood swings has prevented me from enjoying motherhood in a way that I wanted to, and prevented me from taking steps to enjoy my own life.  I feel so trapped sometimes that I am also for the first time seriously considering medication.  I don't want to miss any more of his growing up, and be drowned in the fog of depression no more.

I guess this experience has also taught me something about mental illness, and the fact that you cannot reason your way out of it.  Mic gave it a good analogy -- it's like driving through the fog, you cannot make it go away, but you can make it slightly better by focusing on driving slower, turning on the headlights, and cope until you get to the clear part of the path.  I just need to have more patience and faith, that this fog will lift, that my life and happiness will return.  Because truly, I have nothing more I want in life than what I have today.

5AM

5AM is the new found "me" time.

After months of back and forth and doubting myself, I have finally in my mind surrendered to my style of motherhood --- yes, I breastfeed, and yes, I co-sleep, and no, I do not have a "schedule" for my child.

The sacrifice is there -- it makes it very hard to leave him behind to have a nice block of "me" time to do some of the things I used to do, it also means my bed time is his bed time and that's often something like 8 or 830pm at night, and less quality time with mic.  But like what my doctor said to me -- "to hell with it" for other people's opinion.  I am raising a happy child, who hopefully will grow up secure and learning that I am always there for him, and while my sleep may be broken up, Jack-Jack does kind of sleep through if I nurse him back to sleep when he's getting more awake, so we rarely had nights when he is crying for hours on end and needing people to comfort him by walking/rocking etc.  If I have the luxury to do this for him, and I am willing, why not?

But of course going to sleep at 8pm often means I am getting up quite early.  5AM usually Jack-Jack goes through another round of feeding and falls back asleep, and I quietly climb back into my own bed for a snuggle with mic, or like today, I realized I haven't recorded much on the blog for a while and finally have some time to do this.

We adapt to this new life/new schedule, and try to find the balance whenever we can.

Struggle vs Confidence

With time, I seem to have finally found a way of being a mother that fits my own need and little Jack-Jack's need.  It's not perfect.  I still struggle, and still have doubts about my ways, but I feel like more often than not, I am in the zone.

I know it's not perfect, and it probably never will be.  I officially gave up on the massive crib, and put a mattress on the floor instead that is easier for co-sleeping, which means moving out of my own bedroom;  I still feed on demand and that means getting up more than once at night, but at least I have managed to predict Jack-Jack's first four hours of solid sleep and managed to get some of that for my own survival.  Luckily I have a supportive husband who is willing to indulge in my more "attachment parenting" style, and bond with Jack-Jack in his ways.

On days when I am certain, I feel like I know what I am doing, and what's not perfect is just a phase that will pass.  I am thoroughly enjoying every bit of little Jack-Jack growing up, including nursing him in the dark nights when he finds comfort through me, holding his little hand while he gulps down the milk and drifts back into that deep sound sleep.  On those confident days, I am so glad to be blessed with the role of a mother, to be able to love so deep and enjoy the cutest little being right in front of my own eyes.

And then there are days I struggle.  I still sometimes plunge into the darkness, especially when I compare my style to those who have successfully sleep trained their child or those who prompted me to hire a night nurse or to give a bottle, and question how unpractical my ways are if I were to go back to work.  True, most mothers may have already gotten their life back on track at this 4.5 month mark, and some have probably been back at work for some time even, and it makes me feel so utterly useless sometimes that I am just starting to add one little activity at a time for myself or Jack-Jack in a day, barely able to do anything else.  I am a lucky mother -- I have someone doing the house chores and I don't need to be back in work in a hurry for any practical economic reasons like putting food on the table.  And perhaps I would be able to "expedite" certain things if I was under more pressure.  But I haven't, and that makes me feel useless when I try to put goal posts down.   And of course I also long for the nice quality time with my husband, be back in our bedroom, being able to sleep 8 hours a night, be back wearing some nice clothes that doesn't require a discrete opening somewhere that is conducive for breastfeeding, and the list goes on.   But again, having all of those means losing what I believe to the way I want to be with him, the way I want to feed him, and it's a trade off I do not want to make just yet.

These two days in particular I struggle with the anxiety attacks, feeling very uneasy about the decision to not return to work.  Even though I had that conversation with my boss almost three weeks ago, and the ball is in their court to think about if they wanted to extend my non-paid leave to allow me more time to ponder through this, but I guess the "in between" decision points always feels uncomfortable.