天矇矇的還沒有亮，剛下飛機不到兩天的我還在調時差，翻來翻去睡不著，凌晨三點決定起身看書。
五點半，小子玠醒來，房裡傳來幾聲哭聲。他已經會自己在小床睡過夜了，昨晚7PM 到今天 5:30AM，以一個也有時差的小朋友來說，很好了。不知道我十個多月來沒有好好連續睡超過四小時的日子是怎麼撐過來的，但也是過來了。現在我知道，我的小子玠準備好了，我也完成了階段性的任務，陪他、等他準備好戒掉夜奶，安心的一夜天明。
我摸黑找到他的小床，抱起啜泣的寶貝，側身到床上哺乳。他的小手，那肥肥短短的手指捧著我的胸，小腳不停的輕輕踢著我的肚子，我不禁想起去年此時，他在我的肚皮的另一側，也是這樣的踢著我。只是那時，我只能想像他的模樣；現在，他是一個活生生的小人兒，在我的臂灣裡成長茁壯。
寧靜的清晨，人、車都還沒有醒來，小子玠規律的吸吮吞嚥的聲音，是我唯一的音樂和節奏。他停下、鬆口，望著我給了我一抹微笑，又再埋頭喝去。我的心無比寧靜，一股幸福的感覺洶湧襲來。
我沒有想到的我的哺乳之路可以走到今天，而且還能樂在其中。總算放下時鐘，放下磅秤，放下筆記，讓一切順其自然的時候，我才真正開始享受成為一個母親的點滴。
明天我的小子玠就要滿十一個月了。回想當母親的一路波折，從懷孕的七上八下，到生產後的調整。我的世界完完全全的為一個新生命所顛覆。多年以來以為確定的、自信的一切，突然模糊了起來。然後，一路跌跌撞撞的摸索，帶著謙卑也不安的心，重新找到自己的方向和定位。
今天的我，總算可以誠實的對自己說，我是多麼享受成為母親的角色，專心致志的當子玠的母親。感謝上天領我一路走來，我總算開始初初明白了一切因果，點，連成了線，人生的下半場，正式上演。
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Sunday, September 8, 2013
The Benefit of Sleep
All I can say is sleeping through the night feels great.
Jack-Jack was a rock star! By the third night he managed to sleep from 8pm to 6am. It still doesn't happen every night, but by now at least mic and I both have the confidence that Jack-Jack is able to go back to sleep on his own after a relatively short period of time (sometimes minutes, sometimes it lasts a bit longer, generally within 20 minutes or so), and we don't always get up at the first sign of his crying at night. I think that did benefit us in being better parents during the day as we are more energetic to keep up with the little man.
I am still glad I waited to do this now as opposed to earlier, even though it meant a longer sleep deprivation period for me. At least now I feel that Jack-Jack can understand he's safe with us, that we are there for him when he needs us, but he's old enough to learn that we cannot be there at the very instant he whimpers, and a "delayed satisfaction" of our company is sometimes required just so we can all be a bit more sane.
Parenthood is a long path of learning about his needs, our own needs, and finding the right balance. I feel like we are getting there. For the first time, things feel more right, and I feel more confident as a mother who understands my son, and through this a path to also understanding myself better.
Jack-Jack was a rock star! By the third night he managed to sleep from 8pm to 6am. It still doesn't happen every night, but by now at least mic and I both have the confidence that Jack-Jack is able to go back to sleep on his own after a relatively short period of time (sometimes minutes, sometimes it lasts a bit longer, generally within 20 minutes or so), and we don't always get up at the first sign of his crying at night. I think that did benefit us in being better parents during the day as we are more energetic to keep up with the little man.
I am still glad I waited to do this now as opposed to earlier, even though it meant a longer sleep deprivation period for me. At least now I feel that Jack-Jack can understand he's safe with us, that we are there for him when he needs us, but he's old enough to learn that we cannot be there at the very instant he whimpers, and a "delayed satisfaction" of our company is sometimes required just so we can all be a bit more sane.
Parenthood is a long path of learning about his needs, our own needs, and finding the right balance. I feel like we are getting there. For the first time, things feel more right, and I feel more confident as a mother who understands my son, and through this a path to also understanding myself better.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Sleep Training -- Cont'd
It worked!
Jack-Jack only cried for less than 5 minutes today before falling asleep tonight.
Yesterday he only woke up once at 4am and slept 8 hours straight from 8pm the night before.
Little Jack-Jack, I am so proud of you. And we promise to be even better parents now that your mommy and daddy are finally getting some rest.
Jack-Jack only cried for less than 5 minutes today before falling asleep tonight.
Yesterday he only woke up once at 4am and slept 8 hours straight from 8pm the night before.
Little Jack-Jack, I am so proud of you. And we promise to be even better parents now that your mommy and daddy are finally getting some rest.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Sleep Training
Jack-Jack has been a perfect sweet little thing, the only thing I wish I could change is his getting up 3 to 4 times a night, leaving him mother completely zombie like in the morning. After about 10 months of this, I think I have finally caved into the brutal thought that we should start to let him learn how to fall asleep less assisted. I can't believe I am actually doing the one thing I thought I would never let him do -- cry it out.
As we spend the next few weeks at our friend's massive house in NZ, Mic and I decided to give it a go at letting him learn to fall asleep on his own. Last night was the first time. We placed his bed on the mattress on the floor next to ours in the same room. He cried for about 20 minutes, I had to put on a movie in the living room to distract myself from his crying, but he did go to sleep at 8:30pm, so it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The 1am and 4am wakings were brutal, he screamed so hard after I nursed him and put him back on the bed, so I caved to nursing him back to sleep again. Mic thought I was being too soft and would confuse him more, so tonight we have set up to sleep in the room furthest away from him. In Mic's words, babies can adapt to anything, even if something had happened to us and he had to go to foster parents he will probably not remember us. True. Maybe a little crying wouldn't harm him as much as I thought it would.
Tonight, he went to sleep in the travel cot J lent us at around 8:20pm after about 10-15 minutes of crying. The true test will come after midnight. Let's hope he makes it through, or rather, I make it through without caving in again.
As we spend the next few weeks at our friend's massive house in NZ, Mic and I decided to give it a go at letting him learn to fall asleep on his own. Last night was the first time. We placed his bed on the mattress on the floor next to ours in the same room. He cried for about 20 minutes, I had to put on a movie in the living room to distract myself from his crying, but he did go to sleep at 8:30pm, so it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The 1am and 4am wakings were brutal, he screamed so hard after I nursed him and put him back on the bed, so I caved to nursing him back to sleep again. Mic thought I was being too soft and would confuse him more, so tonight we have set up to sleep in the room furthest away from him. In Mic's words, babies can adapt to anything, even if something had happened to us and he had to go to foster parents he will probably not remember us. True. Maybe a little crying wouldn't harm him as much as I thought it would.
Tonight, he went to sleep in the travel cot J lent us at around 8:20pm after about 10-15 minutes of crying. The true test will come after midnight. Let's hope he makes it through, or rather, I make it through without caving in again.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Number 2?
Oh I am not pregnant. The title is just a question I am asking myself, not a status update.
People have been asking me if I am thinking about number 2, and if yes, then I should probably get started on preparing to try again given my age.
I have been thinking about that question a lot. Ideally for Jack-Jack, I do wish he can grow up with a sibling. For one he will have a playmate and companionship growing up, also in the future he will have another family around when mic and I are no longer here on earth in the future. Having said that, I know not all siblings get along, and I have seen plenty of examples around me that shows the common experience of growing up together doesn't guarantee a smooth relationship as adults.
The other part of me is very afraid -- I still haven't quite gotten into a good place of being a mother for Jack-Jack yet, and wonder if I will ever be able to handle all of this fatigue in the initial phase again. I am only getting older and more tired -- can I really do this again?
Reading back at the lack of entries on this blog, and thinking back at those 9 months that has passed by so quickly yet so slowly, I wonder if I had a second chance, which parts could I have done better -- I probably would have enjoyed the long nursing sessions and falling asleep with my sweet baby more instead of being so anxious and nervous about him not having a good schedule; I probably would have allowed myself those showers and hair washes that makes me feel more human and attractive; I probably would have lowered my expectation about being that super mom all my Type A friends were able to achieve so quickly post birth. And sometimes I do want to have another chance of doing this, with another baby, so I get to enjoy that initial phase again, instead of just struggling through it like I did with Jack-Jack.
I know just like the experience of having Jack-Jack, the arrival of a new life is totally out of our control. You can plan to a certain extent, when to wean so your ovulation schedules gets back on track, when to do another round of IVF, but at the end of the day, none of these can guarantee a success. So for now, I decided to let my excessive planning self take a back seat. I want to enjoy Jack-Jack first. I want to enjoy nursing him for as long as he needs me. I want to forgot about timing the next round of IVF within the remaining duration I have with my existing insurance policy. I want to take life one day at a time, and let God tell me when I should have number 2, should it be a part of my life that is already planned by Him.
People have been asking me if I am thinking about number 2, and if yes, then I should probably get started on preparing to try again given my age.
I have been thinking about that question a lot. Ideally for Jack-Jack, I do wish he can grow up with a sibling. For one he will have a playmate and companionship growing up, also in the future he will have another family around when mic and I are no longer here on earth in the future. Having said that, I know not all siblings get along, and I have seen plenty of examples around me that shows the common experience of growing up together doesn't guarantee a smooth relationship as adults.
The other part of me is very afraid -- I still haven't quite gotten into a good place of being a mother for Jack-Jack yet, and wonder if I will ever be able to handle all of this fatigue in the initial phase again. I am only getting older and more tired -- can I really do this again?
Reading back at the lack of entries on this blog, and thinking back at those 9 months that has passed by so quickly yet so slowly, I wonder if I had a second chance, which parts could I have done better -- I probably would have enjoyed the long nursing sessions and falling asleep with my sweet baby more instead of being so anxious and nervous about him not having a good schedule; I probably would have allowed myself those showers and hair washes that makes me feel more human and attractive; I probably would have lowered my expectation about being that super mom all my Type A friends were able to achieve so quickly post birth. And sometimes I do want to have another chance of doing this, with another baby, so I get to enjoy that initial phase again, instead of just struggling through it like I did with Jack-Jack.
I know just like the experience of having Jack-Jack, the arrival of a new life is totally out of our control. You can plan to a certain extent, when to wean so your ovulation schedules gets back on track, when to do another round of IVF, but at the end of the day, none of these can guarantee a success. So for now, I decided to let my excessive planning self take a back seat. I want to enjoy Jack-Jack first. I want to enjoy nursing him for as long as he needs me. I want to forgot about timing the next round of IVF within the remaining duration I have with my existing insurance policy. I want to take life one day at a time, and let God tell me when I should have number 2, should it be a part of my life that is already planned by Him.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
時間
人入中年，常常覺得日子過得變化不大，那一條皺紋、一絲白髮，雖然證明了時間是一天一年的過去，但是日子可以說大同小異，也就沒有對時間過的快慢一事有太多的感觸。
當了媽媽，在小小子玠身上看到的每天不同的變化，才猛地驚覺，日子是這樣一天一天飛快。每一天，每一分，每一秒，我的小子玠都不一樣。
所以當我為了育兒的勞累提不起精神的同時，我也要提醒自己，這每一天、每一分、每一秒的成長、變化、驚奇，都是這樣獨一無二，不能停格，不能重來。我要振作精神，張大眼睛，好好地把它牢牢的記住、好好的過。
Sunday, August 11, 2013
A Good Day
Sometimes it takes a little reminder about what a good day is.
That reminder can come from a good friend telling you to chill a little, be brave and embrace the unknown and the future.
That reminder can also come from seeing a life that you don't want to end up living, and try to stay clear of the self-absorbed loathing and cynical lens that turns everything grey.
Every day, will pass exactly at that 24 hour mark. You can make it a happy day, a sad day, a productive day, a day worth remembering, or a day not worthy of mentioning.
I am thankful that today was a good day. Thank you Jack-Jack for that lovely smile that gives me so much joy and strength. Thank you mic for being my soul mate and the person that understands and inspires me. I will try my best to make more good days in the future.
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