5AM

5AM is the new found "me" time.

After months of back and forth and doubting myself, I have finally in my mind surrendered to my style of motherhood --- yes, I breastfeed, and yes, I co-sleep, and no, I do not have a "schedule" for my child.

The sacrifice is there -- it makes it very hard to leave him behind to have a nice block of "me" time to do some of the things I used to do, it also means my bed time is his bed time and that's often something like 8 or 830pm at night, and less quality time with mic.  But like what my doctor said to me -- "to hell with it" for other people's opinion.  I am raising a happy child, who hopefully will grow up secure and learning that I am always there for him, and while my sleep may be broken up, Jack-Jack does kind of sleep through if I nurse him back to sleep when he's getting more awake, so we rarely had nights when he is crying for hours on end and needing people to comfort him by walking/rocking etc.  If I have the luxury to do this for him, and I am willing, why not?

But of course going to sleep at 8pm often means I am getting up quite early.  5AM usually Jack-Jack goes through another round of feeding and falls back asleep, and I quietly climb back into my own bed for a snuggle with mic, or like today, I realized I haven't recorded much on the blog for a while and finally have some time to do this.

We adapt to this new life/new schedule, and try to find the balance whenever we can.

Struggle vs Confidence

With time, I seem to have finally found a way of being a mother that fits my own need and little Jack-Jack's need.  It's not perfect.  I still struggle, and still have doubts about my ways, but I feel like more often than not, I am in the zone.

I know it's not perfect, and it probably never will be.  I officially gave up on the massive crib, and put a mattress on the floor instead that is easier for co-sleeping, which means moving out of my own bedroom;  I still feed on demand and that means getting up more than once at night, but at least I have managed to predict Jack-Jack's first four hours of solid sleep and managed to get some of that for my own survival.  Luckily I have a supportive husband who is willing to indulge in my more "attachment parenting" style, and bond with Jack-Jack in his ways.

On days when I am certain, I feel like I know what I am doing, and what's not perfect is just a phase that will pass.  I am thoroughly enjoying every bit of little Jack-Jack growing up, including nursing him in the dark nights when he finds comfort through me, holding his little hand while he gulps down the milk and drifts back into that deep sound sleep.  On those confident days, I am so glad to be blessed with the role of a mother, to be able to love so deep and enjoy the cutest little being right in front of my own eyes.

And then there are days I struggle.  I still sometimes plunge into the darkness, especially when I compare my style to those who have successfully sleep trained their child or those who prompted me to hire a night nurse or to give a bottle, and question how unpractical my ways are if I were to go back to work.  True, most mothers may have already gotten their life back on track at this 4.5 month mark, and some have probably been back at work for some time even, and it makes me feel so utterly useless sometimes that I am just starting to add one little activity at a time for myself or Jack-Jack in a day, barely able to do anything else.  I am a lucky mother -- I have someone doing the house chores and I don't need to be back in work in a hurry for any practical economic reasons like putting food on the table.  And perhaps I would be able to "expedite" certain things if I was under more pressure.  But I haven't, and that makes me feel useless when I try to put goal posts down.   And of course I also long for the nice quality time with my husband, be back in our bedroom, being able to sleep 8 hours a night, be back wearing some nice clothes that doesn't require a discrete opening somewhere that is conducive for breastfeeding, and the list goes on.   But again, having all of those means losing what I believe to the way I want to be with him, the way I want to feed him, and it's a trade off I do not want to make just yet.

These two days in particular I struggle with the anxiety attacks, feeling very uneasy about the decision to not return to work.  Even though I had that conversation with my boss almost three weeks ago, and the ball is in their court to think about if they wanted to extend my non-paid leave to allow me more time to ponder through this, but I guess the "in between" decision points always feels uncomfortable.

Four Months

Our sweet little Jack-Jack is four months old.

It is incredible to think 4 months went by just like a flash.  The initial struggle into new parenthood has finally reached the light at the end of the dark tunnel  -- we now can enjoy time with him reading him story books and hearing him respond to us in the cutest little coos, or lifting his head up to give us that sweet smile, mommy's weight loss has finally commenced and I stopped looking like I am still pregnant even though I am still a full size bigger than before, and mic and I are also finding our old selves and way of interaction back.  Jack-Jack continues to surprise us with new developments -- just yesterday, he started to learn to hold on/grab things.

The sleep deprivation continues for me, since stubborn mommy is still insisting on full breastfeeding, but at least there's a predictable 4 hour stretch I can get every night I go down with him at about 9pm.  It's a special time we share, falling asleep together to the steady breathing of each other, and sharing that warmth with the closest embrace.

Jack-Jack has also already started to begin his international travel and been to Singapore and Taipei already.   The first trip was to accompany daddy's business travel, and the second trip was to see the extended family in Taiwan.  He's an amazingly good little jet-setter, making all the passengers around us impressed.  For the first time, the four generations were together under the same roof.  It was a pity my grandmother doesn't have the conscience to know him, but I hope in her spirit she was happy to see him.

It is also really special to see how a little baby changes the dynamics of the family.  My father and I who didn't really have much to say to each other for the past seem to have found a bridge through Jack-Jack and it is really sweet to see them bond in ways probably I never had the privilege to with him when I was little.  The word "family" has found a new meaning and entered another phase of coming to the center stage of our lives.  It's like our lives go in phases -- when we were little, the family is our universe; as we grow older, all we wanted was to escape into the big world and explore and experience life and seek independence; then you have a baby, and you realize the value of family, the people who stands by you no matter where you have been and what you have done, are the very people that you escaped from during the phase you wanted independence from.  That's love.

Little Jack-Jack, mommy doesn't have time to keep my thoughts in between feeding you, changing you, bathing you, playing with you, and catching a little shut eye, but I wanted you to know that you are a special little angel that has already brought us more joy than we can imagine, and we look forward to every day with you.

Your smile

Yesterday, you showed us your first smile.

It was like sunshine, and our hearts melted under that beautiful smile.

To Work or Not To Work?

I have been terrible at finding time to keep up the blog.  I wish I had more time to record all the thoughts and events and so many ups and downs just a short two weeks has brought, including the highlight of having my sweet university friends visiting me in Hong Kong to spend my birthday with me!  Who would have thought staying at home 24 hours a day yet you still barely have time to do anything but to take care of a baby, fit in a shower, and eat three meals a day?

I have already passed the mid point of my maternity leave, with the end of February fast approaching and my day back to work in sight.  I still have quite a few untaken holidays so could probably stretch the leave out to end of March or some point in April.

It's hard to say how I feel about it.  Part of me feels so not ready for it -- How can I leave this little helpless being when every day brings new excitement and being separated from him for more than two hours now makes me so anxious to get back to him already?   Also, before little Jack-Jack reaches 5 kgs when he has a bigger stomach to hold down some more food to sleep longer stretches, I am still up to feed him every three hours at night, and sometimes even more frequently, leaving me rather exhausted during the day, every day.  I thought my investment banking training has prepared me for the sleep deprivation, but clearly motherhood brings this part of the challenge to a completely new level.  And I don't think I will be a good employee if I am so tired all the time.  

The other part of me, is uncertain about staying at home. While being so involved in raising him is very rewarding, it is also very very lonely.  Sometimes I dread the start of my day before it even begins, and then thought sarcastically when I realized I am on a 24-hour shift and the day never really begins nor ends.  My world has become so small because I don't have time for anything else nor am I interested in sacrificing a good day with Jack-Jack to get back to some of my old activities.  Tango is out of the question since leaving home after 8pm when Jack-Jack's bedtime approaches is just impossible unless I can live with the thought that I am leaving him crying at home looking for me for the next few hours.  I have nothing to offer in a conversation that could interest you other than telling you what Jack-Jack has done today, how many times he poo-poo, pee-pee, spit up, and how cute and relaxed when you give him a bath and massage.  I felt so small somedays that I even feel unworthy.

Mic with his new role at work has also been incredibly busy and stressed, which I understand in my previous life, but now I couldn't help but feel sad and needy.  I thought if I went back to work, get distracted by doing the other seemingly important things then I would be a little less dependent on others sparing that little bit of time and attention on me.  The toll that having an infant takes on a marriage, which all the books have warned me about, also seemed more real than imagined.

So the short answer to the question "To work or not to work?" is I don't know.  Just like all the contradicting parenting advise out there, this seems to be a question I am answering with contradicting answers all the time.

I know there's an easier way to taking care of Jack-Jack, I could hire a night nurse, I could out-source the care to my helper more, I could give him a bottle/formula so I am not the only source of food that needs to be on stand by.  Somehow I just can't bring myself to do any of those things.  I don't want to be a typical parent in Hong Kong that outsources to the helper and can still have life close to exactly the way it was before.  It's not meant to be the same.  And somehow, that's just not me.  I want to do it myself, with my own hands.  And I am sure there is value in spending the time and being hands on, whether I believe little Jack-Jack knows it or not, and whether he will remember or not when he grows up.   I read this in Michael Lewis' book "Home Game" that he describes the experience from the father's perspective with his son -- "If you want to feel the way you're meant to feel about the new baby, you need to do the grunt work.  It's only in caring for a thing that you become attached to it."

Often I feel I want the best of both worlds -- the closeness to him that only comes when you spend the time with him and being the primary care giver; and the freedom of my old life that only comes if you choose to let go.  Clearly it is not possible to have both.

Of course I know this is a phase, it will pass, just like every one has tole me.   Day by day things will get easier.  He will grow, and outgrow some of our expectations.  I just have to embrace the journey, every part of it.

As to returning to work, time will probably make the answer clearer.  For now, I just don't want to think about it.

Jack Jack Christening

Yesterday Jack-Jack had his Christening and we celebrated with a small and intimate gathering of close friends for dinner afterwards.  The day went as smooth as one can wish for.  It was a very long day for little Jack-Jack starting with a photographer session at home in the afternoon (the same person that took my belly shots came back to do our family portraits and also some baby photos), church service in the evening, and a long dinner, but he was so well behaved and only towards the end of the night he was getting uneasy as he was getting too tired.

It was a very special day for us, and a time to reflect on the blessings we have in life -- mic and I were both saying how there's nothing else we want on earth.  We have everything we ever want and ever will want -- a loving family, a beautiful son, and wonderful friendships.

This past week things have certainly gotten a lot better on the PPD front.  First my high school friend's visit last weekend gave me such a boost of confidence that we are doing the right things, gave me a first hand tutorial on how to use a lactation aid, and confirmed that Jack-Jack is healthy despite a little low on the weight (this is coming from the one pediatrician I trust most in the world!).  My confinement lady has left, so I don't have the paid nagging service anymore.  Then my dad and mic's parents came to HK on Monday and my dad was certainly a lot more engaging with an infant than I would have ever imagined and was very good at giving me an extra hand for a few days with little Jack-Jack.  Miraculously the dark cloud was lifted and I was feeling normal again.  Now I am only faced with the normal level of fatigue as a new mother, but the anxiety level has gone down significantly and the confidence level returned.  It's amazing how that change has made everything so much better.  The doctor certainly warned me that relapse is normal, but so far, fingers crossed, things are starting to look up!

PPD Hell

After the pediatrician visit and the breast milk vs formula conflict, I sunk into a dark dark world yesterday.

I had no idea I could lose control of my thoughts and emotions so completely.  

I could literally feel the dark clouds sinking in, the anxiety level rising in my body, the extreme fatigue but unable to rest, the hunger but absolutely zero appetite, and then the feeling of fear, loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness all combined.  I went into an uncontrollable state of sobbing for 2 hours, and no amount of rationalization could bring me out of that dark hole.  Even my confinement lady got scared and came to check on me and prayed over me.  At least I was clear headed enough to call a doctor while I was in that state, and he made an appointment for me with a psychiatrist that very afternoon and called mic to come home to be with me.  

I have never seen a psychiatrist before in my life.  I have to say just the first sight of the clinic looked like a cold asylum, sending the strong message -- "you had to be mad to be here".  The psychiatrist visit confirmed that my condition has long passed the normal baby blues stage but is a moderate degree of postpartum depression, and suggested a prescription of a few months of anti-depressants combined with anti-anxiety pills to get me through this.   I disagreed with his approach and wanted to see if there's a way to get through this without the drugs, especially since I am still breast feeding.  The doctor seemed pretty convinced that the risks were not worth taking, but at the end of the day he cannot force me to take any drugs but wanted to make sure I am closely monitored and warned me that when things deteriorate in PPD, it can happen very quickly as opposed to gradually-- so you can go to the stage of hallucination, even harming oneself without even realizing.  I had to admit that scared me a little, since I am so used to me being in control of myself, but this glimpse into PPD yesterday morning and the repeat episodes of mood swings and crying and anxiety did make me wonder if my will is really stronger than the messed-up chemicals in my brain.

For now, I have decided to do without the drugs.

And perhaps it is because I am fighting the thought of drugs, my body and mind bounced back to normal yesterday evening, trying to prove to myself that I can do this.  It was like the cloud has lifted and I instantly went from hell back to heaven.

I kept on thinking about the richness of love and support I have all around me and feel so blessed.  My high school friend and lactation expert bought her ticket to HK on a moment's notice to come and see me this weekend; my other high school friend is sending me 1500 cc of her frozen breastmilk so I don't have to give Jack-Jack any formula while I am trying to increase my supply and giving him supplements each feed; yet another high school friend and a psychiatrist herself is checking in with me daily to monitor my situation so I am in safe hands even without the drugs.

How can I possibly not get well with all the love and support?

God, please just give me the strength I lack, for I know you have never put in front of a me a challenge that is too great for me to bear; that I will get through this, to be Jack-Jack's healthy and happy mother again.