Change

Change is uncomfortable.  Change is good.

The new phase has officially begun on July 1 as mic finished his last day at work.  The adjustment phase so far is good -- I enjoy having mic around during the day and no longer dread the beginning of the long days where I have no satisfying adult human interaction, and I like that fact that we both can attend to Jack-Jack through out the day, not missing any of his cute moments or new developments.  I thought it was very endearing that mic said he already noticed so much change from Jack-Jack in the two weeks he's been home.  He is a wonderful father, and I think Jack-Jack will be so lucky to be growing up in such close proximity to his father and building a relationship that will really matter in this life time.  

We are also kept busy because there are tons of administrative things to go through -- sorting out our finances, filing away and throwing things out, and getting ready for the move away from Hong Kong.

The first part of the plan will be an extended period of travel to see the families in Taiwan and Mauritius, and also a longer trip back to NZ for some additional due diligence on our future potential home.   Having a start feels much better than the long anticipation phase.  It is good that we have finally put our words, our worries, our dreams, our fear, into a concrete action plan.

Jack-Jack has no idea what his parents will be putting him through and what sort of life is coming ahead, but hey, it's exciting, no?

Eight Months

Someone once told me that time in motherhood -- the days are long and the years are short -- there cannot be a statement more accurate than this to describe how I feel about the time that's gone by.

The little baby that was kicking inside my tummy last year, giving us the worst scares of our lives that we might lose him, is now rolling and crawling around, pulling my fingers to stand up all by himself, and laughing at the silly noises that we make.  Looking back at the photos and videos over the past eight months, it's hard to believe how excited I was just at him simply opening his eyes in the first week, giving us a smile in month 3, being able to hold something in his hand in month 4, sitting up in month 6, and the list goes on.   All these milestones of the life that blossoms right in front of my eyes.  

This little boy, is a key part of the life changing decisions that Mic and I just made in the last month.

Officially, tomorrow's the last day of mic's corporate life.  I also quit my job last week, even though I will still be an employee for a bit longer, I no longer need to go to the office, so that date I wrote in my blog last year about my last day at work, turned out to be true.

We are embarking on a journey together as a family, unemployed.  

It's exciting and scary at the same time.  The time spent together will be special, the challenges of finding direction and meaning will be very real as well.  Once we don't have the corporate lives to fill our day, how we choose to spend our time, will require more thought and discipline. 

In a way, I have been going through this adjustment, over the past eight months of being a stay-at-home-mom-with-a-job-to-return-to, now I am simply dropping the "with-a-job-to-return-to" part.  I can't say it was all jolly -- while I can't imagine not seeing Jack-Jack for more than 3 hours, it has also been hard to fill the time with him during the day sometimes.  The PPD was a factor, but I think perhaps every mother struggle with the same issue of finding the right balance of self and giving, worry and carefree.  It's a learning process that will take a life time to perfect, and even then it won't be perfect.  But I am glad we are facing up to the challenge together, spending time together, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.

Six Months

It's hard to believe that little Jack-Jack has joined our lives for six months already.

Looking back at the pictures when he was a tiny little new born to the somewhat of a "big boy" he is today, from that fragile little being who can't do anything to a little person that we are getting to know with personality.  He now can flip over, and loves kicking me in the bed when he somehow spins into a horizontal position; he smiles when you read him his favorite books; he gets so impatient when he's ready to nurse that he will pull my shirt with both his hands; he laughs out loud with our silly faces and loves to play peek-a-boo.  He's started his first bite of real food and seems to be taking to it so well -- he finishes big pots of congee, carrots, pumpkin etc.  He even did his first poo on the potty!  He's full of energy and lots of fun.  The only complaint I have is he still refuses to sleep through the night.

Motherhood is tiring, no doubt, but also extremely rewarding at the same time.

I melt, at the pureness of his smile.

I am still trying to find the balance of the role of me and a mother.  To be honest, and it is still sometimes a struggle.  I go through relapses of my depression moods from time to time, and caved to seeking professional medical help as well.  The mood swings has prevented me from enjoying motherhood in a way that I wanted to, and prevented me from taking steps to enjoy my own life.  I feel so trapped sometimes that I am also for the first time seriously considering medication.  I don't want to miss any more of his growing up, and be drowned in the fog of depression no more.

I guess this experience has also taught me something about mental illness, and the fact that you cannot reason your way out of it.  Mic gave it a good analogy -- it's like driving through the fog, you cannot make it go away, but you can make it slightly better by focusing on driving slower, turning on the headlights, and cope until you get to the clear part of the path.  I just need to have more patience and faith, that this fog will lift, that my life and happiness will return.  Because truly, I have nothing more I want in life than what I have today.

5AM

5AM is the new found "me" time.

After months of back and forth and doubting myself, I have finally in my mind surrendered to my style of motherhood --- yes, I breastfeed, and yes, I co-sleep, and no, I do not have a "schedule" for my child.

The sacrifice is there -- it makes it very hard to leave him behind to have a nice block of "me" time to do some of the things I used to do, it also means my bed time is his bed time and that's often something like 8 or 830pm at night, and less quality time with mic.  But like what my doctor said to me -- "to hell with it" for other people's opinion.  I am raising a happy child, who hopefully will grow up secure and learning that I am always there for him, and while my sleep may be broken up, Jack-Jack does kind of sleep through if I nurse him back to sleep when he's getting more awake, so we rarely had nights when he is crying for hours on end and needing people to comfort him by walking/rocking etc.  If I have the luxury to do this for him, and I am willing, why not?

But of course going to sleep at 8pm often means I am getting up quite early.  5AM usually Jack-Jack goes through another round of feeding and falls back asleep, and I quietly climb back into my own bed for a snuggle with mic, or like today, I realized I haven't recorded much on the blog for a while and finally have some time to do this.

We adapt to this new life/new schedule, and try to find the balance whenever we can.

Struggle vs Confidence

With time, I seem to have finally found a way of being a mother that fits my own need and little Jack-Jack's need.  It's not perfect.  I still struggle, and still have doubts about my ways, but I feel like more often than not, I am in the zone.

I know it's not perfect, and it probably never will be.  I officially gave up on the massive crib, and put a mattress on the floor instead that is easier for co-sleeping, which means moving out of my own bedroom;  I still feed on demand and that means getting up more than once at night, but at least I have managed to predict Jack-Jack's first four hours of solid sleep and managed to get some of that for my own survival.  Luckily I have a supportive husband who is willing to indulge in my more "attachment parenting" style, and bond with Jack-Jack in his ways.

On days when I am certain, I feel like I know what I am doing, and what's not perfect is just a phase that will pass.  I am thoroughly enjoying every bit of little Jack-Jack growing up, including nursing him in the dark nights when he finds comfort through me, holding his little hand while he gulps down the milk and drifts back into that deep sound sleep.  On those confident days, I am so glad to be blessed with the role of a mother, to be able to love so deep and enjoy the cutest little being right in front of my own eyes.

And then there are days I struggle.  I still sometimes plunge into the darkness, especially when I compare my style to those who have successfully sleep trained their child or those who prompted me to hire a night nurse or to give a bottle, and question how unpractical my ways are if I were to go back to work.  True, most mothers may have already gotten their life back on track at this 4.5 month mark, and some have probably been back at work for some time even, and it makes me feel so utterly useless sometimes that I am just starting to add one little activity at a time for myself or Jack-Jack in a day, barely able to do anything else.  I am a lucky mother -- I have someone doing the house chores and I don't need to be back in work in a hurry for any practical economic reasons like putting food on the table.  And perhaps I would be able to "expedite" certain things if I was under more pressure.  But I haven't, and that makes me feel useless when I try to put goal posts down.   And of course I also long for the nice quality time with my husband, be back in our bedroom, being able to sleep 8 hours a night, be back wearing some nice clothes that doesn't require a discrete opening somewhere that is conducive for breastfeeding, and the list goes on.   But again, having all of those means losing what I believe to the way I want to be with him, the way I want to feed him, and it's a trade off I do not want to make just yet.

These two days in particular I struggle with the anxiety attacks, feeling very uneasy about the decision to not return to work.  Even though I had that conversation with my boss almost three weeks ago, and the ball is in their court to think about if they wanted to extend my non-paid leave to allow me more time to ponder through this, but I guess the "in between" decision points always feels uncomfortable.

Four Months

Our sweet little Jack-Jack is four months old.

It is incredible to think 4 months went by just like a flash.  The initial struggle into new parenthood has finally reached the light at the end of the dark tunnel  -- we now can enjoy time with him reading him story books and hearing him respond to us in the cutest little coos, or lifting his head up to give us that sweet smile, mommy's weight loss has finally commenced and I stopped looking like I am still pregnant even though I am still a full size bigger than before, and mic and I are also finding our old selves and way of interaction back.  Jack-Jack continues to surprise us with new developments -- just yesterday, he started to learn to hold on/grab things.

The sleep deprivation continues for me, since stubborn mommy is still insisting on full breastfeeding, but at least there's a predictable 4 hour stretch I can get every night I go down with him at about 9pm.  It's a special time we share, falling asleep together to the steady breathing of each other, and sharing that warmth with the closest embrace.

Jack-Jack has also already started to begin his international travel and been to Singapore and Taipei already.   The first trip was to accompany daddy's business travel, and the second trip was to see the extended family in Taiwan.  He's an amazingly good little jet-setter, making all the passengers around us impressed.  For the first time, the four generations were together under the same roof.  It was a pity my grandmother doesn't have the conscience to know him, but I hope in her spirit she was happy to see him.

It is also really special to see how a little baby changes the dynamics of the family.  My father and I who didn't really have much to say to each other for the past seem to have found a bridge through Jack-Jack and it is really sweet to see them bond in ways probably I never had the privilege to with him when I was little.  The word "family" has found a new meaning and entered another phase of coming to the center stage of our lives.  It's like our lives go in phases -- when we were little, the family is our universe; as we grow older, all we wanted was to escape into the big world and explore and experience life and seek independence; then you have a baby, and you realize the value of family, the people who stands by you no matter where you have been and what you have done, are the very people that you escaped from during the phase you wanted independence from.  That's love.

Little Jack-Jack, mommy doesn't have time to keep my thoughts in between feeding you, changing you, bathing you, playing with you, and catching a little shut eye, but I wanted you to know that you are a special little angel that has already brought us more joy than we can imagine, and we look forward to every day with you.

Your smile

Yesterday, you showed us your first smile.

It was like sunshine, and our hearts melted under that beautiful smile.