We are so blessed that the second chapter of our lives is about to begin.
It is still very early days. When the nurse called about the blood test results yesterday afternoon, I could hardly believe my ears that we were successful with the second round of IVF. Originally I just didn't want to freeze those embryos anymore from the first round, and since we did want more kids I thought we would just try one more time in HK before our big move away. I know compared to others who have tried and failed, we were really blessed.
But of course remembering the difficult and long journey from the last time around, I am mentally prepared to know that this is only the beginning of the road with many many challenges ahead. There's no guarantee that this would result in a beautiful child like Jack-Jack -- the first trimester is risky, knowing from that three months of bed rest last time; the tests are many, before you know all the chromosomes are right. I am reminded through the experience last time, that if this is God's will, He is the only one that can carry us through safely till the end and make it happen. Jack-Jack being born safely was more than a miracle to us.
Jack-Jack has been a true blessing and a real joy. He's 18 months old today and I have been too lazy at recording any more of his days on this blog, but have been enjoying life as a family with mic and Jack-Jack. Every day I see him learning something new and expressing himself in the cutest ways. I had finally shaken off the miserable PPD after around 10 months or so. Looking back, I could not explain how or why this all began and end, but I am just glad that the mist and the doom cloud over my head is finally over and I am back to my old self. And without the PPD, there's no longer that thin veil blinding me of the joy right in front of my eyes. I have said to myself If I am lucky enough to have a second chance, I trust I will be able to enjoy it so much more having learned what I have learned about motherhood so far.
So fingers crossed. And grow well, our little K. (we need to settle on a new name/nick name soon)
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Friday, September 27, 2013
越洋的祝福
好友在臉書上發佈了令人雀躍的好消息，她籌備已久的哺乳診所要在台北開幕了。
她邀我為新診所的開幕寫點東西，我當然義不容辭。畢竟我今天有那麼一點點的從容，能夠享受和小寶貝的親密哺乳時光，毛心潔醫師一路的加油打氣、專業解惑，是最重要的原因之一。只是當一個媽媽的辛苦與甜蜜，堅持全母乳全親餵的酸甜苦辣，還真的是千頭萬絮，不知道要從何說起。
想想這十多個月來，毛醫師不計其數的越洋電話為我打氣、解惑。有時候，你只是需要一個人，告訴你正確的知識和觀念，然後用耐心的口吻，告訴你 “媽媽你做得很好，辛苦了，加油“，一切就不再那麼難。
欣見毛醫師的新診所開幕，以後有更多需要幫忙的人可以因為正確的哺乳資訊及合宜的專業支持，在這條路上少走一點冤枉路，真的是台灣母奶媽媽的一大福音。如果藉由稍稍分享一些我的歷程，能讓大家了解哺乳諮詢的好處，幫到一些正在掙扎的媽媽，也算功德一件吧。
毛毛，謝謝你。你有我最最誠摯的，來自越洋的祝福。
她邀我為新診所的開幕寫點東西，我當然義不容辭。畢竟我今天有那麼一點點的從容，能夠享受和小寶貝的親密哺乳時光，毛心潔醫師一路的加油打氣、專業解惑，是最重要的原因之一。只是當一個媽媽的辛苦與甜蜜，堅持全母乳全親餵的酸甜苦辣，還真的是千頭萬絮，不知道要從何說起。
成為母親，是我所經歷最困難的角色。人生一向按部就班的我，從來沒有想過一個小小的新生命，如此徹底的顛覆了我的人生。我以為我準備好了，堅實的婚姻基礎，高齡得子的喜悅，我滿心期待，以為成為一個母親，完成一個家庭的組成，我的人生就此圓滿，別無所求。
當媽媽沒有標準答案。世界上有百百種的母親，每個人都得找到屬於自己的方法。你要親密育兒還是要嚴格百歲？你要全母乳還是配方奶？親餵還是瓶餵？你要回去職場還是要當全職媽媽？你要假手他人還是全部自己來？你要有多少自己的空間時間？你又能忍受多長時間的睡眠貧乏？
本來就頗有主見的我，加上產前所有資訊蒐集完整、勤加閱讀，我以為我萬事俱備，只欠東風。等到寶貝呱呱落地，我才知道，這許多問題的答案，並不能預選。
我選擇了全母奶，也想要適當的回應寶寶的需求（想喝就餵），但這條路走來辛苦，並不容易。
母奶媽媽產後需要的，是一個溫暖，正面的，充滿鼓勵的環境。畢竟新生兒的照顧，本來就是一件勞心又勞力的事。但是有太多錯誤的觀念擋路。即便是醫護人員，都常常以錯誤的母乳資訊誤導媽媽（我自己就因此換掉了兩個不懂母乳的小兒科醫師）。
我想我不是唯一被以下言語所困擾的媽媽：
“小孩怎麼一直哭，一定是喝不飽。你的奶可能不夠喔？“
“小孩沒辦法睡過夜，那你補一點配方奶，餵飽一點就好了啊“
“小孩要獨立一點，建立作息很重要。餵奶要照時間表，一邊三十分鐘，三到四小時餵一次，中間不要再餵“
“要擠奶排空，才不會有乳腺炎“
“用用奶瓶沒有關係的，乳頭混淆根本是無稽之談“
我的小娃兒，比起某些寶寶來說，應該還算不上高需求寶寶。但是哺育的初期，的確是個會一掛就一個多鐘頭，慢條斯理地喝奶的寶寶；他到最近快十一個月才快睡過夜，即便六個月開始副食品就吃的非常好也非常多；很不巧的，我用過幾次奶瓶，就出現了乳頭混淆的問題，費了我好一番功夫才再讓他重回親餵。
一開始，我像所有的新手媽媽一樣，疲倦、徬徨、不知所措。每個人好心的無意的意見反而成為我焦慮的來源。我擔心寶寶體重增加不足，擔心他喝奶時間太長，擔心他喝不夠，擔心他怎麼還不會睡過夜，擔心因為母奶就只黏著我，別人無法代勞。每當我聽到別的媽媽怎麼成功的訓練寶寶按表操課，很早就恢復了過去光鮮的生活，我就覺得自己是個無能不適任的母親。所以我也開始瘋狂的看書找答案、還買了一個 iphone App 詳細紀錄餵奶、睡覺的時間，每天體重的增加，試圖找出一點規律，用科學的方法來 “改進“ 寶寶的作息和成長。
我一點都不快樂。因為我總是在擔心，總是想要控制一切，總是在找標準答案。
毛醫師在台灣投入母乳哺育的推動一段時間了，我很幸運的跟她有著二十幾年的老友交情，也一直在寶寶出生後保持熱線諮詢。當我在越洋電話的一頭，因為香港兒科醫生認為我的兩個月的寶寶體重不足，在診療單上寫下 “Failure to Thrive"的字眼而泣不成聲的時候，她二話不說就買了機票來看我，幫我看含乳及寶寶的健康成長狀況。所以說我是她第一個跨國界的哺乳諮詢應該不為過。
那份感動我一輩子都不會忘記。
以她看來，含乳沒有問題所以寶寶絕對沒有喝不飽的問題，寶寶的成長狀況也不算壞：每天尿尿便便的次數都正常，活動力也很ok，並沒有香港醫生說得那麼糟。如果真要改進，那就是增加餵食的次數，讓寶寶想吃就餵，不想吃也可以試著餵餵看，才是追奶量最好的方式。她說哺乳和育兒本來就是再自然也不過的事，放下書本，讓母親的直覺和心去帶領你吧！孩子睡不睡過夜還有規律作息的養成和氣質有關，並不是吃不飽，所以只有耐心的回應和等待，孩子準備好的時候，一切就會水到渠成的。她說每個孩子都不一樣，同一個孩子每天也都不一樣，所以一天當一天過，好好享受孩子的成長和變化，別再分析研究了。她說當媽媽本來就沒有不辛苦的，要盡量自己找時間休息，學習躺餵。她說辛苦了，多加油。
我跌跌撞撞一路，飽受產後憂鬱所苦，花了一段時間才真正體會到放下的藝術。但當我放下時鐘、放下筆記、放下磅秤，讓一切順其自然的時候，我才真正開始享受成為一個母親的點滴。哺乳不再是一見苦差事，不再只是餵飽小孩的庶務，而是我千金不換的和小寶貝一起的親密時光。我越來越懂得還不會說話的寶寶透過眼神、表情、聲調和我的溝通。我也越來越珍惜那漆黑的深夜，寶寶在我的胸前一邊吸奶，一邊沈沈睡去的滿足；還有那曙光乍現的清晨，小寶寶暖暖的身子貼著我，小小的手掌和肥肥短短的手指捧著我的胸，規律的吸吮吞嚥的幸福。
想想這十多個月來，毛醫師不計其數的越洋電話為我打氣、解惑。有時候，你只是需要一個人，告訴你正確的知識和觀念，然後用耐心的口吻，告訴你 “媽媽你做得很好，辛苦了，加油“，一切就不再那麼難。
欣見毛醫師的新診所開幕，以後有更多需要幫忙的人可以因為正確的哺乳資訊及合宜的專業支持，在這條路上少走一點冤枉路，真的是台灣母奶媽媽的一大福音。如果藉由稍稍分享一些我的歷程，能讓大家了解哺乳諮詢的好處，幫到一些正在掙扎的媽媽，也算功德一件吧。
毛毛，謝謝你。你有我最最誠摯的，來自越洋的祝福。
Thursday, September 26, 2013
為母雜記
天矇矇的還沒有亮，剛下飛機不到兩天的我還在調時差，翻來翻去睡不著，凌晨三點決定起身看書。
五點半，小子玠醒來，房裡傳來幾聲哭聲。他已經會自己在小床睡過夜了，昨晚7PM 到今天 5:30AM，以一個也有時差的小朋友來說，很好了。不知道我十個多月來沒有好好連續睡超過四小時的日子是怎麼撐過來的，但也是過來了。現在我知道，我的小子玠準備好了，我也完成了階段性的任務，陪他、等他準備好戒掉夜奶，安心的一夜天明。
我摸黑找到他的小床，抱起啜泣的寶貝，側身到床上哺乳。他的小手，那肥肥短短的手指捧著我的胸，小腳不停的輕輕踢著我的肚子，我不禁想起去年此時，他在我的肚皮的另一側，也是這樣的踢著我。只是那時，我只能想像他的模樣；現在，他是一個活生生的小人兒，在我的臂灣裡成長茁壯。
寧靜的清晨，人、車都還沒有醒來，小子玠規律的吸吮吞嚥的聲音，是我唯一的音樂和節奏。他停下、鬆口，望著我給了我一抹微笑，又再埋頭喝去。我的心無比寧靜，一股幸福的感覺洶湧襲來。
我沒有想到的我的哺乳之路可以走到今天，而且還能樂在其中。總算放下時鐘，放下磅秤，放下筆記，讓一切順其自然的時候，我才真正開始享受成為一個母親的點滴。
明天我的小子玠就要滿十一個月了。回想當母親的一路波折，從懷孕的七上八下，到生產後的調整。我的世界完完全全的為一個新生命所顛覆。多年以來以為確定的、自信的一切，突然模糊了起來。然後，一路跌跌撞撞的摸索，帶著謙卑也不安的心，重新找到自己的方向和定位。
今天的我，總算可以誠實的對自己說，我是多麼享受成為母親的角色，專心致志的當子玠的母親。感謝上天領我一路走來，我總算開始初初明白了一切因果，點，連成了線，人生的下半場，正式上演。
五點半，小子玠醒來，房裡傳來幾聲哭聲。他已經會自己在小床睡過夜了，昨晚7PM 到今天 5:30AM，以一個也有時差的小朋友來說，很好了。不知道我十個多月來沒有好好連續睡超過四小時的日子是怎麼撐過來的，但也是過來了。現在我知道，我的小子玠準備好了，我也完成了階段性的任務，陪他、等他準備好戒掉夜奶，安心的一夜天明。
我摸黑找到他的小床，抱起啜泣的寶貝，側身到床上哺乳。他的小手，那肥肥短短的手指捧著我的胸，小腳不停的輕輕踢著我的肚子，我不禁想起去年此時，他在我的肚皮的另一側，也是這樣的踢著我。只是那時，我只能想像他的模樣；現在，他是一個活生生的小人兒，在我的臂灣裡成長茁壯。
寧靜的清晨，人、車都還沒有醒來，小子玠規律的吸吮吞嚥的聲音，是我唯一的音樂和節奏。他停下、鬆口，望著我給了我一抹微笑，又再埋頭喝去。我的心無比寧靜，一股幸福的感覺洶湧襲來。
我沒有想到的我的哺乳之路可以走到今天，而且還能樂在其中。總算放下時鐘，放下磅秤，放下筆記，讓一切順其自然的時候，我才真正開始享受成為一個母親的點滴。
明天我的小子玠就要滿十一個月了。回想當母親的一路波折，從懷孕的七上八下，到生產後的調整。我的世界完完全全的為一個新生命所顛覆。多年以來以為確定的、自信的一切，突然模糊了起來。然後，一路跌跌撞撞的摸索，帶著謙卑也不安的心，重新找到自己的方向和定位。
今天的我，總算可以誠實的對自己說，我是多麼享受成為母親的角色，專心致志的當子玠的母親。感謝上天領我一路走來，我總算開始初初明白了一切因果，點，連成了線，人生的下半場，正式上演。
Sunday, September 8, 2013
The Benefit of Sleep
All I can say is sleeping through the night feels great.
Jack-Jack was a rock star! By the third night he managed to sleep from 8pm to 6am. It still doesn't happen every night, but by now at least mic and I both have the confidence that Jack-Jack is able to go back to sleep on his own after a relatively short period of time (sometimes minutes, sometimes it lasts a bit longer, generally within 20 minutes or so), and we don't always get up at the first sign of his crying at night. I think that did benefit us in being better parents during the day as we are more energetic to keep up with the little man.
I am still glad I waited to do this now as opposed to earlier, even though it meant a longer sleep deprivation period for me. At least now I feel that Jack-Jack can understand he's safe with us, that we are there for him when he needs us, but he's old enough to learn that we cannot be there at the very instant he whimpers, and a "delayed satisfaction" of our company is sometimes required just so we can all be a bit more sane.
Parenthood is a long path of learning about his needs, our own needs, and finding the right balance. I feel like we are getting there. For the first time, things feel more right, and I feel more confident as a mother who understands my son, and through this a path to also understanding myself better.
Jack-Jack was a rock star! By the third night he managed to sleep from 8pm to 6am. It still doesn't happen every night, but by now at least mic and I both have the confidence that Jack-Jack is able to go back to sleep on his own after a relatively short period of time (sometimes minutes, sometimes it lasts a bit longer, generally within 20 minutes or so), and we don't always get up at the first sign of his crying at night. I think that did benefit us in being better parents during the day as we are more energetic to keep up with the little man.
I am still glad I waited to do this now as opposed to earlier, even though it meant a longer sleep deprivation period for me. At least now I feel that Jack-Jack can understand he's safe with us, that we are there for him when he needs us, but he's old enough to learn that we cannot be there at the very instant he whimpers, and a "delayed satisfaction" of our company is sometimes required just so we can all be a bit more sane.
Parenthood is a long path of learning about his needs, our own needs, and finding the right balance. I feel like we are getting there. For the first time, things feel more right, and I feel more confident as a mother who understands my son, and through this a path to also understanding myself better.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Sleep Training -- Cont'd
It worked!
Jack-Jack only cried for less than 5 minutes today before falling asleep tonight.
Yesterday he only woke up once at 4am and slept 8 hours straight from 8pm the night before.
Little Jack-Jack, I am so proud of you. And we promise to be even better parents now that your mommy and daddy are finally getting some rest.
Jack-Jack only cried for less than 5 minutes today before falling asleep tonight.
Yesterday he only woke up once at 4am and slept 8 hours straight from 8pm the night before.
Little Jack-Jack, I am so proud of you. And we promise to be even better parents now that your mommy and daddy are finally getting some rest.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Sleep Training
Jack-Jack has been a perfect sweet little thing, the only thing I wish I could change is his getting up 3 to 4 times a night, leaving him mother completely zombie like in the morning. After about 10 months of this, I think I have finally caved into the brutal thought that we should start to let him learn how to fall asleep less assisted. I can't believe I am actually doing the one thing I thought I would never let him do -- cry it out.
As we spend the next few weeks at our friend's massive house in NZ, Mic and I decided to give it a go at letting him learn to fall asleep on his own. Last night was the first time. We placed his bed on the mattress on the floor next to ours in the same room. He cried for about 20 minutes, I had to put on a movie in the living room to distract myself from his crying, but he did go to sleep at 8:30pm, so it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The 1am and 4am wakings were brutal, he screamed so hard after I nursed him and put him back on the bed, so I caved to nursing him back to sleep again. Mic thought I was being too soft and would confuse him more, so tonight we have set up to sleep in the room furthest away from him. In Mic's words, babies can adapt to anything, even if something had happened to us and he had to go to foster parents he will probably not remember us. True. Maybe a little crying wouldn't harm him as much as I thought it would.
Tonight, he went to sleep in the travel cot J lent us at around 8:20pm after about 10-15 minutes of crying. The true test will come after midnight. Let's hope he makes it through, or rather, I make it through without caving in again.
As we spend the next few weeks at our friend's massive house in NZ, Mic and I decided to give it a go at letting him learn to fall asleep on his own. Last night was the first time. We placed his bed on the mattress on the floor next to ours in the same room. He cried for about 20 minutes, I had to put on a movie in the living room to distract myself from his crying, but he did go to sleep at 8:30pm, so it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The 1am and 4am wakings were brutal, he screamed so hard after I nursed him and put him back on the bed, so I caved to nursing him back to sleep again. Mic thought I was being too soft and would confuse him more, so tonight we have set up to sleep in the room furthest away from him. In Mic's words, babies can adapt to anything, even if something had happened to us and he had to go to foster parents he will probably not remember us. True. Maybe a little crying wouldn't harm him as much as I thought it would.
Tonight, he went to sleep in the travel cot J lent us at around 8:20pm after about 10-15 minutes of crying. The true test will come after midnight. Let's hope he makes it through, or rather, I make it through without caving in again.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Number 2?
Oh I am not pregnant. The title is just a question I am asking myself, not a status update.
People have been asking me if I am thinking about number 2, and if yes, then I should probably get started on preparing to try again given my age.
I have been thinking about that question a lot. Ideally for Jack-Jack, I do wish he can grow up with a sibling. For one he will have a playmate and companionship growing up, also in the future he will have another family around when mic and I are no longer here on earth in the future. Having said that, I know not all siblings get along, and I have seen plenty of examples around me that shows the common experience of growing up together doesn't guarantee a smooth relationship as adults.
The other part of me is very afraid -- I still haven't quite gotten into a good place of being a mother for Jack-Jack yet, and wonder if I will ever be able to handle all of this fatigue in the initial phase again. I am only getting older and more tired -- can I really do this again?
Reading back at the lack of entries on this blog, and thinking back at those 9 months that has passed by so quickly yet so slowly, I wonder if I had a second chance, which parts could I have done better -- I probably would have enjoyed the long nursing sessions and falling asleep with my sweet baby more instead of being so anxious and nervous about him not having a good schedule; I probably would have allowed myself those showers and hair washes that makes me feel more human and attractive; I probably would have lowered my expectation about being that super mom all my Type A friends were able to achieve so quickly post birth. And sometimes I do want to have another chance of doing this, with another baby, so I get to enjoy that initial phase again, instead of just struggling through it like I did with Jack-Jack.
I know just like the experience of having Jack-Jack, the arrival of a new life is totally out of our control. You can plan to a certain extent, when to wean so your ovulation schedules gets back on track, when to do another round of IVF, but at the end of the day, none of these can guarantee a success. So for now, I decided to let my excessive planning self take a back seat. I want to enjoy Jack-Jack first. I want to enjoy nursing him for as long as he needs me. I want to forgot about timing the next round of IVF within the remaining duration I have with my existing insurance policy. I want to take life one day at a time, and let God tell me when I should have number 2, should it be a part of my life that is already planned by Him.
People have been asking me if I am thinking about number 2, and if yes, then I should probably get started on preparing to try again given my age.
I have been thinking about that question a lot. Ideally for Jack-Jack, I do wish he can grow up with a sibling. For one he will have a playmate and companionship growing up, also in the future he will have another family around when mic and I are no longer here on earth in the future. Having said that, I know not all siblings get along, and I have seen plenty of examples around me that shows the common experience of growing up together doesn't guarantee a smooth relationship as adults.
The other part of me is very afraid -- I still haven't quite gotten into a good place of being a mother for Jack-Jack yet, and wonder if I will ever be able to handle all of this fatigue in the initial phase again. I am only getting older and more tired -- can I really do this again?
Reading back at the lack of entries on this blog, and thinking back at those 9 months that has passed by so quickly yet so slowly, I wonder if I had a second chance, which parts could I have done better -- I probably would have enjoyed the long nursing sessions and falling asleep with my sweet baby more instead of being so anxious and nervous about him not having a good schedule; I probably would have allowed myself those showers and hair washes that makes me feel more human and attractive; I probably would have lowered my expectation about being that super mom all my Type A friends were able to achieve so quickly post birth. And sometimes I do want to have another chance of doing this, with another baby, so I get to enjoy that initial phase again, instead of just struggling through it like I did with Jack-Jack.
I know just like the experience of having Jack-Jack, the arrival of a new life is totally out of our control. You can plan to a certain extent, when to wean so your ovulation schedules gets back on track, when to do another round of IVF, but at the end of the day, none of these can guarantee a success. So for now, I decided to let my excessive planning self take a back seat. I want to enjoy Jack-Jack first. I want to enjoy nursing him for as long as he needs me. I want to forgot about timing the next round of IVF within the remaining duration I have with my existing insurance policy. I want to take life one day at a time, and let God tell me when I should have number 2, should it be a part of my life that is already planned by Him.
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