PPD Hell

After the pediatrician visit and the breast milk vs formula conflict, I sunk into a dark dark world yesterday.

I had no idea I could lose control of my thoughts and emotions so completely.  

I could literally feel the dark clouds sinking in, the anxiety level rising in my body, the extreme fatigue but unable to rest, the hunger but absolutely zero appetite, and then the feeling of fear, loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness all combined.  I went into an uncontrollable state of sobbing for 2 hours, and no amount of rationalization could bring me out of that dark hole.  Even my confinement lady got scared and came to check on me and prayed over me.  At least I was clear headed enough to call a doctor while I was in that state, and he made an appointment for me with a psychiatrist that very afternoon and called mic to come home to be with me.  

I have never seen a psychiatrist before in my life.  I have to say just the first sight of the clinic looked like a cold asylum, sending the strong message -- "you had to be mad to be here".  The psychiatrist visit confirmed that my condition has long passed the normal baby blues stage but is a moderate degree of postpartum depression, and suggested a prescription of a few months of anti-depressants combined with anti-anxiety pills to get me through this.   I disagreed with his approach and wanted to see if there's a way to get through this without the drugs, especially since I am still breast feeding.  The doctor seemed pretty convinced that the risks were not worth taking, but at the end of the day he cannot force me to take any drugs but wanted to make sure I am closely monitored and warned me that when things deteriorate in PPD, it can happen very quickly as opposed to gradually-- so you can go to the stage of hallucination, even harming oneself without even realizing.  I had to admit that scared me a little, since I am so used to me being in control of myself, but this glimpse into PPD yesterday morning and the repeat episodes of mood swings and crying and anxiety did make me wonder if my will is really stronger than the messed-up chemicals in my brain.

For now, I have decided to do without the drugs.

And perhaps it is because I am fighting the thought of drugs, my body and mind bounced back to normal yesterday evening, trying to prove to myself that I can do this.  It was like the cloud has lifted and I instantly went from hell back to heaven.

I kept on thinking about the richness of love and support I have all around me and feel so blessed.  My high school friend and lactation expert bought her ticket to HK on a moment's notice to come and see me this weekend; my other high school friend is sending me 1500 cc of her frozen breastmilk so I don't have to give Jack-Jack any formula while I am trying to increase my supply and giving him supplements each feed; yet another high school friend and a psychiatrist herself is checking in with me daily to monitor my situation so I am in safe hands even without the drugs.

How can I possibly not get well with all the love and support?

God, please just give me the strength I lack, for I know you have never put in front of a me a challenge that is too great for me to bear; that I will get through this, to be Jack-Jack's healthy and happy mother again.