Just as I thought everything was going well as can be, I get thrown a curve ball.
Two days ago I was diagnosed of a grade 4 placenta previa (胎盤前置). It is a condition where the placenta is placed at the lower part of the uterus (as opposed to the top in a normal pregnancy) and covering the cervix completely, in some cases it moves up as the pregnancy progresses, in my case the doctor said it is very unlikely given how low the placenta is at week 22. The implications are no chance of a natural birth (so all my pre natal yoga classes and those birthing squats I have been doing clearly are going to waste other than the feel good factor), and the chances of significant bleeding and severe blood loss, pre-term birth are all quite real. In most cases even upon delivery of the baby if you are lucky enough to carry this through to full term still requires the procedure to be done in a major medical facility where they have enough blood in the bank to deal with the potential blood loss for the mother.
The doctor said there's nothing you can really do to treat the condition, but the only thing is to understand what to do when the bleeding does occur, which simply put, is to go calmly to the ER right away. I have been advised to stay in low activity mode (no to little exercise), no travel (or basically staying close to a medical facility), and hope for the best.
It was really quite a shock to us so I spent all of yesterday doing my research, getting second opinions from doctors, and going from panic to anger (it's hard not to get angry dealing with the public hospital, which is the only facility capable of treating my condition in HK now, as private hospitals don't have a baby ICU for pre-term babies and also not enough blood for any major blood loss scenarios), and finally back to acceptance. By the end of the day I was in a calm enough place to joke with mic that when the doctor said this case sometimes leads to the death of the mother if the blood loss becomes very severe and cannot be stopped, so we should prepare to have an oncologist on standby in case you need to take the uterus out to stop the bleeding, the first thought that crossed my mind was "oh no, I still haven't done up my will yet! should get a lawyer and get on the case ASAP" while mic was thinking about how to look for an oncologist. Clearly our minds function in such different ways.
Things were going so well --- I am filled with energy (relatively speaking of course), mic and I just had a great celebration of our 10th wedding anniversary and was reminded of such wonderful relationship and memories we have created and shared together, even our maid's cooking has become so good over the last few months and was a pleasant surprise. I felt so blessed in our lives with all the abundance of love and joy and everything we need. Now with this diagnosis I felt the darkest cloud hanging over me, placing a shadow over everything.
I had to remind myself that nothing really has changed. This is just one of those things that reminds me yet again how little we ultimately are in control of our lives, especially the important stuff like life and death. We can only submit to that fact and be humble and count our blessings for the days that we are given, one day at a time.
Our life, was exactly the same three days ago before the diagnosis and now. Nothing bad has happened other than a known risk that seems very real and the fear in our hearts has grown to take over from the happy thoughts. It's a mind game, and to fight the instinct of fear and sorrow is the only winning strategy.
Just as every single breath was a miracle in life before, it still is, just even more so when you are reminded that nothing we have is permanent. I am praying for the best outcome of course, that the placenta will move away and I will be shown a miracle, that I will be blessed to carry this baby to the full term, and that I will survive all of this and raise a happy child together with mic.
Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers also.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Monday, July 2, 2012
Week 21: Return of the 大胃王
Just as the kicks are unmistakeable from Little K, like a truly pregnant lady, my appetite has also returned in an epic manner.
On Saturday we had brunch with our friends L and A, after ordering the milkshake, the four egg omelette, and a daily soup, I still wanted the burger on the menu. I held back knowing that would probably be just a little too much food in the end, but the desire to eat everything under the sun, all the time, was a nice contrast to life in the first trimester.
As a result, I am also finally back in the kitchen. After having relied on our helper for the past few months, I am finally able to organize the food and the menu at home, and teach her new dishes to make again.
My weight gain has been steady so far, trying carefully to manage so the stretch marks don't appear that easily, and also the yoga, swimming, walking probably also helped to burn off some of those extra calorie intakes.
The only thing that remains an issue is my sleep --- the insomnia continues at some point during the night. I can't remember the last time I closed my eyes at night and woke up in the morning! Now the reasons that keeps me up includes little K having a dance party in my belly in the middle of the night kicking up a storm, my gassy stomach from the food I eat, the heaviness in the belly makes every single position uncomfortable, not to mention moving and rearranging a sea of pillows on the bed whenever I have to change sides to sleep on. Maybe that Hong Kong milk tea I drank in the afternoon was also not the smartest idea I had, while it tasted great, it sure kept me buzzed for a long time and may have contributed to the fact that I tossed until 4AM and still up 7AM this morning...
Thank God it's a public holiday today.
On Saturday we had brunch with our friends L and A, after ordering the milkshake, the four egg omelette, and a daily soup, I still wanted the burger on the menu. I held back knowing that would probably be just a little too much food in the end, but the desire to eat everything under the sun, all the time, was a nice contrast to life in the first trimester.
As a result, I am also finally back in the kitchen. After having relied on our helper for the past few months, I am finally able to organize the food and the menu at home, and teach her new dishes to make again.
My weight gain has been steady so far, trying carefully to manage so the stretch marks don't appear that easily, and also the yoga, swimming, walking probably also helped to burn off some of those extra calorie intakes.
The only thing that remains an issue is my sleep --- the insomnia continues at some point during the night. I can't remember the last time I closed my eyes at night and woke up in the morning! Now the reasons that keeps me up includes little K having a dance party in my belly in the middle of the night kicking up a storm, my gassy stomach from the food I eat, the heaviness in the belly makes every single position uncomfortable, not to mention moving and rearranging a sea of pillows on the bed whenever I have to change sides to sleep on. Maybe that Hong Kong milk tea I drank in the afternoon was also not the smartest idea I had, while it tasted great, it sure kept me buzzed for a long time and may have contributed to the fact that I tossed until 4AM and still up 7AM this morning...
Thank God it's a public holiday today.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Kicks
I was 100% sure it was a kick.
It was no longer a suspicion of a vague feeling but a visible little thump on the tummy. It happened at around 4pm while I was in the office and I quickly sent Mic an SMS telling him we can now play "whack a mole" with little K (of course he said he doesn't want to think of little K as a mole!). That same evening after dinner while resting on the sofa, I put mic's hand on my tummy and we both felt the next kick.
Such a strange but wonderful feeling to be able to feel a new little life growing inside your body.
It was no longer a suspicion of a vague feeling but a visible little thump on the tummy. It happened at around 4pm while I was in the office and I quickly sent Mic an SMS telling him we can now play "whack a mole" with little K (of course he said he doesn't want to think of little K as a mole!). That same evening after dinner while resting on the sofa, I put mic's hand on my tummy and we both felt the next kick.
Such a strange but wonderful feeling to be able to feel a new little life growing inside your body.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Week 20: 50% Complete
It's hard to believe that time still flies even when you are feeling bloated, hot, fat, heavy, and facing insomnia almost every other night, I am now at the start of my 20th week.
Things are going well -- my energy level consistently improves so I am much more productive at work (don't need to sneak out for an afternoon nap anymore), and also trying to keep up with some regular exercise with my twice-a-week prenatal Yoga classes and occasional pilates, I even managed to go swimming for the first time last week. The plan for traveling back to Taiwan in July is also set -- my last trip before the arrival of little K. I booked tickets, researched BnBs, and will be spending our last "just-the-two-of-us" holiday with Mic on the beautiful East Coast of Taiwan, which I haven't stepped foot on for almost 15 years and is totally excited about seeing my beautiful home country in a brand new way with Mic.
The book says little K's ears are developed enough that he can hear us now, so Mic has started a routine by saying "早，我是你的爸" to my belly every single morning (he said he wanted little K to recognize his voice when he comes out). It always makes me burst out laughing but also so endeared by how Mic shows his love.
I think I felt little K moving around for the first time this past week, although I am not entirely certain since the books says it feels like bubbles in the tummy at this stage, so my only confirmation is that what felt like my stomach growling from hunger is happening below the belly button and that's where little K's rental home is right now.
Things are going well -- my energy level consistently improves so I am much more productive at work (don't need to sneak out for an afternoon nap anymore), and also trying to keep up with some regular exercise with my twice-a-week prenatal Yoga classes and occasional pilates, I even managed to go swimming for the first time last week. The plan for traveling back to Taiwan in July is also set -- my last trip before the arrival of little K. I booked tickets, researched BnBs, and will be spending our last "just-the-two-of-us" holiday with Mic on the beautiful East Coast of Taiwan, which I haven't stepped foot on for almost 15 years and is totally excited about seeing my beautiful home country in a brand new way with Mic.
The book says little K's ears are developed enough that he can hear us now, so Mic has started a routine by saying "早，我是你的爸" to my belly every single morning (he said he wanted little K to recognize his voice when he comes out). It always makes me burst out laughing but also so endeared by how Mic shows his love.
I think I felt little K moving around for the first time this past week, although I am not entirely certain since the books says it feels like bubbles in the tummy at this stage, so my only confirmation is that what felt like my stomach growling from hunger is happening below the belly button and that's where little K's rental home is right now.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Can You Really Be Prepared?
With my bulging tummy, I have taken on a keen interest in reading child education related books. There are a few good ones that are science based and written by M.D.s -- "Brain Rules for Baby by John Medina" "Why Gender Matters by Leonard Sax" "Boys Adrift by Leonard Sax" and I am now starting another book called "Nutureshock by Po Bronson". I have also read from quite a few Chinese authors 蔡穎卿，獅子老師，洪蘭，錫安媽媽 and have been rather inspired by some of their parenting styles and wisdom.
When looking through the section of childcare books in the library, the sheer number of books and "experts" offering advise just startles you. Even reading some of these books that are science based rather than anecdotal, it seems that the conventional wisdom of parenting also changes like fashion from time to time. Praise is good, praise is bad; fixed feeding schedule is good, fixed feeding schedule is bad; breast feeding is good, formula is good; single sex classrooms are good, single sex classrooms are bad. In the sea of seemingly worthy parenthood advise for new parents like us, I do wonder if you can really ever be really prepared for this role, like how you prepare for everything else in life.
At the end of the day, I guess what matters the most is your heart and awareness. If you put your heart to being a good parent, paying attention to getting to know this new person that you are bringing to this world and (try your very best on) being on your best behavior so they can learn from the best example they can get (and that's where awareness comes in, because most of the time we have our own behavioral blind spots), and offer them love that is real (but not spoiling them), then that's probably the best you can do.
There are so many factors that come into play in one's life and shape one's character. I have been reflecting on my very own experience growing up, and I, from a rather unconventional upbringing by my grandmother, am pretty sure she did not consult any books. However from her I learned the value of love, the value of the closeness of family, the value of being self-sufficient and independent, being frugal, being environmentally friendly, and being kind -- every single value and behavior that she exhibited herself and gave an active example for me to learn from. On the other hand, not really having the environment of witnessing a "mother and father" interaction growing up, I was also able to shape my own marriage into something that is wonderful and became such a pillar of my life and well being today -- something I did not have an active example to learn from.
I aspire to set up a home of comfort, support, love, and have a surrounding of calmness that comes from mature emotional relationships and elimination of the distractions of too much TV/digital distractions --- in a way, kind of like the life that Mic and I already share today. My favorite part of the day is always the morning breakfast rituals -- we sit at the dining table with Jazz Wyoming in the background (a lovely Internet streaming radio station) eating our breakfast together, share thoughts from our day before and write down our "highlights" in this joint diary that we kept together for a few years now. Even though occasionally "Steve Jobs" come in between us and provides some distraction when mic gets stuck on a new iPhone app or I on checking facebook updates, most of the time we manage to make a real connection with each other every single day, and end with a little hug before we set out to our jobs.
One day I want to bring little K into this lovely family time and this little oasis that Mic and I have created together. In this crazy day and age where everything is about speed and excess, I am so glad we can retreat into our little realm of slowness and quietness, and enjoy nothing more but the simple existence of each other's company as what I call -- family.
When looking through the section of childcare books in the library, the sheer number of books and "experts" offering advise just startles you. Even reading some of these books that are science based rather than anecdotal, it seems that the conventional wisdom of parenting also changes like fashion from time to time. Praise is good, praise is bad; fixed feeding schedule is good, fixed feeding schedule is bad; breast feeding is good, formula is good; single sex classrooms are good, single sex classrooms are bad. In the sea of seemingly worthy parenthood advise for new parents like us, I do wonder if you can really ever be really prepared for this role, like how you prepare for everything else in life.
At the end of the day, I guess what matters the most is your heart and awareness. If you put your heart to being a good parent, paying attention to getting to know this new person that you are bringing to this world and (try your very best on) being on your best behavior so they can learn from the best example they can get (and that's where awareness comes in, because most of the time we have our own behavioral blind spots), and offer them love that is real (but not spoiling them), then that's probably the best you can do.
There are so many factors that come into play in one's life and shape one's character. I have been reflecting on my very own experience growing up, and I, from a rather unconventional upbringing by my grandmother, am pretty sure she did not consult any books. However from her I learned the value of love, the value of the closeness of family, the value of being self-sufficient and independent, being frugal, being environmentally friendly, and being kind -- every single value and behavior that she exhibited herself and gave an active example for me to learn from. On the other hand, not really having the environment of witnessing a "mother and father" interaction growing up, I was also able to shape my own marriage into something that is wonderful and became such a pillar of my life and well being today -- something I did not have an active example to learn from.
I aspire to set up a home of comfort, support, love, and have a surrounding of calmness that comes from mature emotional relationships and elimination of the distractions of too much TV/digital distractions --- in a way, kind of like the life that Mic and I already share today. My favorite part of the day is always the morning breakfast rituals -- we sit at the dining table with Jazz Wyoming in the background (a lovely Internet streaming radio station) eating our breakfast together, share thoughts from our day before and write down our "highlights" in this joint diary that we kept together for a few years now. Even though occasionally "Steve Jobs" come in between us and provides some distraction when mic gets stuck on a new iPhone app or I on checking facebook updates, most of the time we manage to make a real connection with each other every single day, and end with a little hug before we set out to our jobs.
One day I want to bring little K into this lovely family time and this little oasis that Mic and I have created together. In this crazy day and age where everything is about speed and excess, I am so glad we can retreat into our little realm of slowness and quietness, and enjoy nothing more but the simple existence of each other's company as what I call -- family.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Week 17: Tango!
Since doctor said I could resume "normal" level of activities, I have been slowly adding back delightful things in life that I missed for so long.
Last Sunday, I went to my first milonga in 4 months. Ah, how I missed tango!
This is the only milonga I can go to now as it is hosted on Sunday afternoon, so unfortunately I am still missing out all the Argentine visiting teachers and their grand performances that are hosted at night where the dance party goes on till 2AM (The latest I can stay awake is usually around 10PM). It was also the first time I put on my 4 inch-heel dance shoes (which gave me a slight backache afterwards), and I had to turn away some invitations to dance just to rest a little, but it was still just wonderful. The books say that little K's ears are developed enough to hear now, and I certainly hope he enjoyed the tango music as much as mommy did.
Yesterday I also started my prenatal yoga classes and stepped foot in the gym which I also missed for 4 months.
Welcome back, life, for the next two months before I start my third trimester.
Last Sunday, I went to my first milonga in 4 months. Ah, how I missed tango!
This is the only milonga I can go to now as it is hosted on Sunday afternoon, so unfortunately I am still missing out all the Argentine visiting teachers and their grand performances that are hosted at night where the dance party goes on till 2AM (The latest I can stay awake is usually around 10PM). It was also the first time I put on my 4 inch-heel dance shoes (which gave me a slight backache afterwards), and I had to turn away some invitations to dance just to rest a little, but it was still just wonderful. The books say that little K's ears are developed enough to hear now, and I certainly hope he enjoyed the tango music as much as mommy did.
Yesterday I also started my prenatal yoga classes and stepped foot in the gym which I also missed for 4 months.
Welcome back, life, for the next two months before I start my third trimester.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Seriously?
Unbelievable.
I threw up again last night.
Come on. I am firmly in the second trimester already. Is this a joke?
I threw up again last night.
Come on. I am firmly in the second trimester already. Is this a joke?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)