PPD Hell

After the pediatrician visit and the breast milk vs formula conflict, I sunk into a dark dark world yesterday.

I had no idea I could lose control of my thoughts and emotions so completely.  

I could literally feel the dark clouds sinking in, the anxiety level rising in my body, the extreme fatigue but unable to rest, the hunger but absolutely zero appetite, and then the feeling of fear, loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness all combined.  I went into an uncontrollable state of sobbing for 2 hours, and no amount of rationalization could bring me out of that dark hole.  Even my confinement lady got scared and came to check on me and prayed over me.  At least I was clear headed enough to call a doctor while I was in that state, and he made an appointment for me with a psychiatrist that very afternoon and called mic to come home to be with me.  

I have never seen a psychiatrist before in my life.  I have to say just the first sight of the clinic looked like a cold asylum, sending the strong message -- "you had to be mad to be here".  The psychiatrist visit confirmed that my condition has long passed the normal baby blues stage but is a moderate degree of postpartum depression, and suggested a prescription of a few months of anti-depressants combined with anti-anxiety pills to get me through this.   I disagreed with his approach and wanted to see if there's a way to get through this without the drugs, especially since I am still breast feeding.  The doctor seemed pretty convinced that the risks were not worth taking, but at the end of the day he cannot force me to take any drugs but wanted to make sure I am closely monitored and warned me that when things deteriorate in PPD, it can happen very quickly as opposed to gradually-- so you can go to the stage of hallucination, even harming oneself without even realizing.  I had to admit that scared me a little, since I am so used to me being in control of myself, but this glimpse into PPD yesterday morning and the repeat episodes of mood swings and crying and anxiety did make me wonder if my will is really stronger than the messed-up chemicals in my brain.

For now, I have decided to do without the drugs.

And perhaps it is because I am fighting the thought of drugs, my body and mind bounced back to normal yesterday evening, trying to prove to myself that I can do this.  It was like the cloud has lifted and I instantly went from hell back to heaven.

I kept on thinking about the richness of love and support I have all around me and feel so blessed.  My high school friend and lactation expert bought her ticket to HK on a moment's notice to come and see me this weekend; my other high school friend is sending me 1500 cc of her frozen breastmilk so I don't have to give Jack-Jack any formula while I am trying to increase my supply and giving him supplements each feed; yet another high school friend and a psychiatrist herself is checking in with me daily to monitor my situation so I am in safe hands even without the drugs.

How can I possibly not get well with all the love and support?

God, please just give me the strength I lack, for I know you have never put in front of a me a challenge that is too great for me to bear; that I will get through this, to be Jack-Jack's healthy and happy mother again.

Failure to Thrive

When people say your happiness level goes down after a child enters your life, it is true.

Don't get me wrong, the joys are tremendous like nothing I have ever experienced.  I weep from joy just by staring down his face when I am nursing him, watching him barely making that little twitch of the lip like he's about to smile.  Every day, he is doing something just a little bit more and better and bringing new joys to us.

At the same time, the challenges it places on me as an individual, on us as a happily married couple before, are also very real.   Part of the reason I have not had a chance to blog, other than being tired and really busy with him, was the past few weeks I was also facing the challenges of PPD (postpartum depression) and battling my own extreme swing of emotions and helplessness.  I have an extremely supportive husband and a wealth of resources but I know at the end of the day the conditions are also real and I needed to get through this by curing my anxious mind and learning to relax.

Yesterday Jack-Jack had his follow-up appointment at the pediatrician for his injections and also check-up.  Long story short, the doctor told us that he's not really gaining enough weight and suggested that we supplement with formula right away.

I was in absolute shock since I thought finally we were getting breastfeeding right, he seems happily fed with more than enough of the recommended diaper output per day, and also we are just slowing starting to get the co-sleeping arrangements right.  The little confidence that was built was yet again shattered into pieces.  The "failure-to-thrive" diagnosis on Jack-Jack's medical receipt was like a verdict on me being an awful mother, a failed mother.

I frantically did more research and spoke to more people about breastfed baby weight gain in the afternoon post the visit and established a game plan to increase my milk supply.  But I couldn't help but wonder if my resistance to formula has actually ended up harming our baby.  Mic and I inevitably got into a heated debate about this.  I totally understand where he's coming from -- as a loving father who is not directly involved in the milk production and feeding, watching your stubborn wife insist on doing things the hard way and things still didn't work out the best for Jack-Jack --- I would be frustrated if I were him.  It didn't help me of course, but I know when both people are tired, busy, sleep deprived, don't really have time to communicate, and have different opinions on how to do things need to sort through this in a less than ideal way, not the calm discussion I wish we had time for, but a heated moment of fighting.  

I know we will get through this, but I couldn't help to think back to that research on freakanomics that mentions on couples with kids ended up less happy than couples without in the short term.   It is true that we have lost most of those calming loving moments for each other, in exchange for an extremely difficult task of raising a new human being together.

But I am also keeping the faith that we will get through this, with love, with hope, with strength from God.

Ear Plugs and Gina Ford

I realized the hardest part of being a mother is self-confidence.  I don't think my level of self confidence has ever been as low as now, and whatever that's been built up by a good day can be easily destroyed by other people's opinion, "kind suggestions", putting me back in the wavering camp again.

I had to first fight my confinement lady on the topic of pumping and giving the bottle in the first month as I was stubborn on complete breast feed, and now I am finally getting a better handle of breast feeding, the challenges of putting a baby to sleep and on a more regular schedule seems next.

I tried the on-demand feeding for the first four weeks.  The frequent night feeds actually don't really bother me that much, but I do have a real problem with hearing Jack-Jack cry for a long period of time and unable to settle him from the crying and putting him to sleep after a feed was really stressful.  Especially when this frequently happens between 11PM and 3AM.

I also came to the conclusion that 100% attachment parenting is not for me.  While I cannot agree with the militant Gina Ford approach, not having any structure in my day, losing all the "me" time and "us" time with mic, constantly tired, sometimes not even able to get up to go to the bathroom does take a toll on me.  So I am trying to slowly learn Jack Jack's cues of what he wants -- hunger, tiredness, need for stimulation/cuddle/comfort, and putting some structure to the day in a more gradual way. The realization came after another tiring night last week of unable to settle him for 4 hours, exhausted, cried (me, not Jack Jack), going through getting up to settle him (since my confinement lady was terrible at that!), and feeling like I couldn't take it anymore and started to put on ear plugs to go to sleep and feeling completely defeated and guilty.  After he eventually settled at 3AM, I lied awake until the morning, a thousand thoughts rushing through my mind, that I really need to do it not any other person's way but my own way.

The first try was quite successful.   We had a reasonable day to start.  I slowed down.  I followed my instincts.  Self confidence came back.

Then yesterday we had a substitute confinement lady, while I liked her a lot (she's able to settle Jack Jack down so easily, unlike my original lady), but she had a very pushy attitude towards pumping and kept on criticizing how I am not giving him enough milk, and my self confidence broke down again.

I had half a day to settle myself down, and a long chat with my aunt, and have to convince myself, that today is a new day.

It will be our day, me and Jack Jack.

I am not going to let anyone else unsettle my self confidence and mother instincts any more, not confinement lady, not Gina Ford, not Baby Whisperer.  It will be our way.

Full Moon Joys and Blues

The past four weeks really went by like a blur, I couldn't remember doing anything but eating, feeding, and sleeping.

After the initial "bliss" phase, we entered into real parenthood.

First the baby blues hit.

I had no idea I had so much tears, there are days I feel like I cried more than little Jack-Jack for no apparent reason (well, I know the reason is the hormone changes, I just didn't expect it to hit me!).  The combination of fatigue from the lack of solid continuous sleep, the initial struggle with breast feeding, the fact that I cannot seem to be able to shed the extra 10 kgs at all, and also feeling sweaty, dirty, and smelly from not being able to take a proper shower during the confinement period and the constant leaking of milk that makes everything you wear look funny.  I felt like an unattractive slob/milk machine with no life of my own in sight.   Also, no one/no books prepared me for the feeling of loneliness that hits after all the excitement, visitors, gifts start to fade away, the days became long and tiring, and lonely.  Even he's still cute as a button and I feel so much love for him, there are times I so crave that adult interaction, someone that can respond when I am talking, and even some tango.

Then the "schedule" debate -- Should we do the Gina Ford/cry it out method and put him on a schedule?  Should we feed on demand or at a three hour interval?  Should we introduce the bottle or do breast exclusively?  Should we let him sleep in the cot or in our bed?  There are no right or wrong answer to any of these questions.   Everyone's experience seem to lead to different advise.  Ultimately, as a new parent, you often just feel utterly helpless.  So many questions but no one can give you the right answer.  For someone who's used to "research leading to results", parenthood is just not something you can apply the same method on.  You have to take the time to learn who your child is, and adapt, adapt, adapt.

Breast feeding was also a big topic I struggled with for quite some time.  I was quite determined to breastfeed, but had no idea that new born babies eat so frequent, and so long.  There are days I feel I have been chained to a single position on the sofa or in bed for 2-3 hours at a time, barely able to fit in a bathroom break for myself.  I was worried at first that he was not latching properly, therefore leading to inefficient eating, and hence the long feeds.  After getting a lactation consultant in for a visit, I finally gave in to the idea to let babies be babies and stop having such high expectations, and just let him drink when he needs/wants to/feels like a nibble.  Even though that still needs to very sore arms (having to stay in the same position for a very long time), but at least it was easier on the mind to not keep on thinking about when the last feed was, how long it was, which side it was on etc.

I stopped analyzing.  Just do it is the more appropriate attitude.

And of course it seems impossible to fit in the time to even write a single blog post.  Last night we had our first "family dinner" -- mic and I sat at the dining table, I had baby strapped to my boobs feeding with the help of a sling -- it was quite a scene, I wish I had taken a picture of this ultimate multi-tasking ability I just learned.

And now I have to log off again.  Screaming baby needs attention.

10 Days of Bliss

So this is what bliss feels like.

The first 10 days of parenthood has been amazing.

The first five days we were very well taken care of at the hospital.  I know I complained about the Sanatorium before, but when it comes to service and oh my, the food, you get what you pay for at the Sanatorium for sure.  If it weren't for the policy towards my complications I would hands down recommend having a baby at the Sanatorium.  The nurses were very helpful, the doctors performed a smooth surgery and my c-section recovery has been going very well with me walking about quite normally by the 3rd day post operation (powerful painkillers played a key part).   I also looked forward to all my meals at the hospital and browsing through their 24 hour room service menu, even the plain congee tasted fabulous, a nice contrast to the rubbish I was eating the week before at Queen Mary.   There were some minor discomfort along the way, like the 24 hour non-stop itching as a side effect of the morphine injection, and the pain when my milk came in at day 3 that made me cry for the first time since the delivery.

However, the most important thing is how much I enjoyed every minute spent gazing down at little Jack Jack's face, feeling his steady breathing as he falls asleep against my chest after feeding.  Such special moments we shared together as a family, it brings a smile to my face at the thought of this little fragile being and giving him all the love I am capable of having.

Then the last 5 days we were back home.  It was always what I thought it should be like when we first bought the flat, to have a family in this tranquil special place for us.  With the confinement lady's help the transition back from hospital has been quite smooth as well.  I am very well taken care of with all the special food and drinks I am fed 4 times a day.  I washed my hair for the first time with a big tub of ginger water and felt human again.  The feeding took some time to establish but I am quite lucky with little Jack Jack being a pro at latching and my milk production plentiful.  Each day Mic takes a picture of little Jack Jack to watch the amazing progress of him growing.  He's already opening his eyes much more and he's been a really good and calm baby.

Week 37/ Oct 27- Jack Jack Arrives!

The morning of Oct 27, Saturday at 10:33am, Jean-Jacques ("Jack-Jack") Wan-Min-Kee joined the world.

I am still a little amazed and it all feels a bit unreal as I am holding my little bundle of joy, couldn't stop gazing into his eyes and smiling at his perfect little nose, mouth, ears, hands, feet....

The evening before the C-section I could barely sleep from the excitement, anxiousness, and nervousness.   It was also my last night at the Queen Mary hospital -- I am sure it was a fine hospital but it was not the world's best experience and the food and service were both rather disastrous, plus every night I had to bid my husband goodnight like I am still living in a school dorm room with a curfew and then spending the night alone.   My highlight at Queen Mary was on my third of fourth day, one of the nurses came by on a regular morning check holding her charts and asked if I had given birth the Friday before --- This was when I was still rather pregnant with a tummy you cannot miss, and weren't the nurses supposed to be on high alert to send the high risk vasa previa patient to the operating theater at the first sign of labor???  I had to laugh at how clueless the nurse was and was praying that nothing bad will ever happen at this hospital after I have clearly lost some faith in them after that incident.

Mic came to pick me up at 630AM for the transfer to Sanatorium Hospital.  Hong Kong is actually quite pleasant at 630AM on a Saturday morning, no traffic and the usual craziness.  It was a good and calm start to the day, I thought.  We arrived at our beautiful room (it is a strange way to describe a hospital room, but it was beautiful) overlooking the Happy Valley racecourse, and finished the paper work and prep for the operation scheduled at 10AM.

The procedure went rather smoothly.  I was fully conscious with the spinal block, just numb from the chest down, chatting with the doctor and mic during the procedure.  Mic was in the room getting ready for photos and holding my hand the whole time.  I am surprised that mic had the guts to look over the blue surgical screen although he knew his limits and came back to my side when he felt a bit nauseous.  It would not be good if he fainted before the baby arrives.  I told mic he's now truly seen a side of me that no one else has ever seen before -- including my organs that I have never seen myself.

Jack Jack came out at 10:33am with a loud cry, and my tears couldn't stop rolling down my face.  After all that we have been through, we have a baby finally.  Mic couldn't stop saying "He's beautiful.  He's just beautiful" as the doctors were pulling him out of me.  I couldn't see Jack Jack until they cleaned him up a bit and was swiftly put in the incubator to prevent heat loss.  It wasn't quite the birth I was expecting with the long skin-to-skin contact and bonding, but how I could I complain.  This is already everything we wished for and a healthy baby is in our hands, and we are thoroughly enjoying every second of the blissful parenthood.

Week 36: More Drama ?!

I thought we finally have the plan sorted out once and for all after our routine check up yesterday after all the back and forth, wait and see approach over the past few weeks -- the plan was to be admitted to the Sanatorium on Saturday this week, stay in the hospital for close monitoring for a week with delivery scheduled on Oct 26 at 37 weeks full term -- I have my bag half packed, thinking that I will have plenty of time to familiarize myself with the environment before little K is born in the same hospital, and ready to enjoy the last two nights at home with mic.

It felt good to have a plan, finally.

Today, the doctor called to tell me the Sanatorium hospital changed its policy for admitting vasa previa patients, so we have to come up with yet another alternative plan.

In short, I think the hospital doesn't want the liability of a vasa previa patient, so they have turned their last vasa previa patient away to the public hospital during the "observation/monitoring" phase and only admitting her back for the final scheduled c-section delivery.  They didn't want to handle the middle-of-the-night emergencies when you only have minutes to have the baby delivered safely so said it was in the patient's best interest to be somewhere else as they are not equipped to handle this.  Yet they still want to make $$ off of your delivery so you go back for the safe and easy stuff as in the final delivery if nothing bad has happened before.   I am sorry, but that is just so typical Hong Kong and so pisses me off.

I am also upset that my doctor has only found this out as he was sorting my admission out this week as opposed to being prepared for this weeks in advance.

I know we are becoming pros at adapting and altering our plans, but I actually hate change.

So the options the doctor gave me are  ---
1) stay at home and hope for the best until the scheduled c-section date  -- even my doctor think that's too risky and not wise
2) check in to the public hospital first this week and go back to the Sanatorium for the final delivery either Oct 24 or Oct 31 (these are the only dates they have an operating room available) --- that involves quite a bit of work to sort through but seems like the most likely outcome
3) deliver the baby tomorrow at the Sanatorium to avoid the risks all together -- I don't think I am mentally ready for him to come out tomorrow just yet.

Stay tuned.  There's never a dull moment in our pregnancy.