Week 11: Wiggly Little One

Today's doctor's visit is kind of exciting --- instead of just the heart beating, we were able to see the baby moving around, waving its little arm and legs!  It's still just a tiny little thing at 4cm, but amazing how active it looks on screen.  I almost hoped that the ultrasound session could last a little longer so I can see little K for a little bit longer.  Mic was convinced it was a boy because it was so active.  I am not so sure because if little K takes on any of it's parents qualities, the boy is the slow one around the house!

The doctor gave me a note to stay rested for two more weeks at home and then I must face the inevitable going back to work days.  But by then I should be out of the miserable first trimester fatigue and nausea, especially I have now advanced to actually throwing up part of my lunch and dinner, it is nice to have a little more time at home.

Slowing Down

I have been out of the office for 7 weeks now, and the doctor just ordered me to stay at home for at least another 2 weeks until the wound closes up.

I joked with my friends that I was hoping to take things easy for the first trimester, little did I know the slowing down happened somewhat involuntarily, including some hospitalization and more doctor's visits than I can remember.

God has a funny way of making your wishes come true.

It is, however, also a great time for me to learn to slow down. I have always been an active person, energized by activities (Mic used to hate how I wake up early in the mornings, and now I sleep at least 3 hours more than him each day). These two months I had to learn to find peace in a much slower pace and be at ease with my limited physical ability. My friend K gave me a religious book with daily prayers to read, and there was one paragraph that particularly resonated with me.

"In the fast and frenzied pace of this world, allow yourself to submit to the fatigue. Allow it to calm you, settling into the restfulness and peace that come only from God. Thank him for life's slowdowns".

Even though the events of the unstable part of the pregnancy was scary, I am thankful that I had so much time to rest and slow down in probably one of the least comfortable trimesters. I am thankful that my bosses and colleagues have been more than understanding of my situation; I am thankful for the great medical care (and fantastic health insurance!) I have; I am thankful for friends who love and care about me so dearly, and even their mothers for bringing me ginger candy to ease the queasiness; I am thankful for a husband who shows his love in so many ways and a marriage that is just bright and warm like the sun even after 10 years, making me ever confident that we will raise a great family together; I am thankful for the family that I have, for my loving aunt in the US that I can spend hours on the phone with during my insomnia days.

Slowing down, is not so bad after all.

Week 9: Little Monster

I make quite a horrible sound when I feel nauseous, even though I have never really thrown up so far, the sound effect is like I am about to turn my entire stomach inside out (Now I totally understand the reason pregnant people are anti-social for three months).

Mic has nicknamed the sound effect "Little Monster", he said if there was a mythical creature that looks like a frog, it must sound like me.

Well, luckily little monster don't come out as often as two weeks ago. Maybe god is giving me a break since I was sent to the hospital last week, and decided to at least take one horrible feeling away temporarily. It still happens, but at least not morning, afternoon, AND night. Mic and I are now able to joke about where the little monster is and how often it comes out.

Four more weeks before I am through with the first trimester, and hopefully little monster will return to its mythical home forever by then.

Week 8: Thank God

The bleeding on Thursday night was caused be a 2cm separation between the placenta and the uterus. The visit to the doctor on Friday morning went well, little K has grown a bit more and heart was beating as strong as ever.

To be on the safe side, the doctor wanted me hospitalized for a few days on "strict bed rest with toilet privileges", so I spent the weekend in the hospital. The bleeding has now eased and I was able to go home one day ahead of schedule.

We are very thankful that the scary episode had a happy ending -- one more week of bed rest is not the worst thing in the world and I am to obey with my new supply of DVDs from friends. The experience once again taught me to focus on what we can control and trust and hope on what is beyond our control. It is humbling also, that life is not just about trying to do all the right things, as often the outcome of these important things in life --- life and death, are still outside of our hands even if we try to do everything right. At least this time, that darkest and longest night of my life, I was able to not shed a single tear, and tried my best to remain calm. Mic is really my role model in that regard, being with him, I knew that everything was going to be okay.

Thank little K for hanging on strong in the slightly broken home (which hopefully will be repaired in a few weeks time when the wound is healed), and thank God, for every breath and every heartbeat that was given to us and our baby, in our lives.

Please pray for us

I must have just gone through the longest night of my life.

The bleeding came back late last night around 11pm. It was heavy almost like a period. The nurse said as long as it does not come with cramps we can wait till the morning to come in to see the doctor, and the main thing is to rest and try to not move around much. I lay as still as I can in my bed with thoughts streaming through my head, all the fear of loss....

I must remain calm and hopeful. That's the best I can do for my baby right now.

Unable to sleep at all the entire night. Mic wakes with any of my slightest movement and holds my hand to calm me down and whispers he loves me into my ear. My love, I know we will be able to get through anything in life as long as we have each other.

And all my friends and family whom we have shared this news with, please pray for us. We need all the positive thoughts we can get.

Food...I miss loving you....

For a food lover like me, these few weeks has been quite torturous. My total love affair with food in the past has turned into quite a complicated relationship.

I know I don't have it as bad as some of my friends, so I really shouldn't complain, but this daily battle three times a day of "What Should I Eat?" is driving me rather insane.

First there is the queasiness when you are hungry. You know your stomach is growling but there seems to be nothing that tickles your fancy. While I used to love thinking about a varied menu and have all these ideas of what I wanted to make and eat, now that is the question I dread the most. My poor helper used to take guidance from me on what to buy and make every day, now I just stare back with total blankness in my eyes and trying to concentrate on not puking before the meal.

The actual eating part is the only part that seems to go well so far (thankfully). As soon as I put the first bite in my mouth then it is all okay. Although it takes a long time for me to work up the courage to look at the meal on the table, and to take my first bite, at least I am still able to eat.

Then there comes the queasiness after you eat. Without fail, 30 minutes after the meal I feel like I wanted it out of my stomach. The smell, the taste, and everything that was yummy about it moments before seems like a distant dream. And I try to either take my mind off it by playing "draw something" or going to sleep so it can all go away like a bad dream.

I miss the days when I just loved my food, had endless ideas about food, the flavors, the combinations, the scent that used to get me so excited every day. Food, I miss loving you.

Week 7: Your tiny little heart

This morning, we saw the little heart beating on the monitor.

It was the most amazing experience and the best relief to what I went through the night before.

The weekend was beautiful and sunny. After lunch at 鼎泰豐 in Causeway Bay so I could get my fix on sweet and sour soup, Mic and I went to Kowloon Park to spend an afternoon lazing under the sun. It was just perfect, the temperature, the sun, and the breeze in the air, on a small but precious patch of grass (in Hong Kong!) for our closest experience to man made nature. We then parted so I could catch my tango movie. Since I was feeling fine the past few days I thought I could use a little more exercise, I decided to walk. It was only about an hour, on flat paved surface but I might still have overestimated my ability. The evening ended up with some bright bed bleeding and I was so scared I was in tears and thought I was losing the little K. A call into the nurse at night, she told us as long as there are no cramps we should try to rest the night and come in to see the doctor first thing on Monday.

Mic has just been amazing every single day. He takes care of me by putting snacks on the night stand and scatter grapefruit around the house (that is my savior to combat queasiness these days), and he calms me down at my moments of panic. Through him I am trying to learn to make the highs a little less high and the lows a little less low. I often joke about his lack of emotion, but at times like last night I actually really appreciate his ability to isolate the things we can control and things we can't. In our future roles at parents I am sure we will need a lot of that to get through life.

Anyway, glad that scan showed that little K is developing well and on track, and with that vote of confidence I decided to break the news to my family a little ahead of the end of the first trimester.