Pablo the Pillow

There is an important member that has helped to make my sleep at night as comfortable as can be during this pregnancy and is worth a special mention -- Pablo.  Even though Pablo is big and tall, we still decided to bring him to the Taipei trip with us.  Pablo also has a new little friend called Tracey.  Pablo and Tracey share the bed with me and mic every night since we had them.

To cut the suspense, Pablo, aka, the pillow, is the nickname I gave to my pregnancy body pillow (since I am missing my tango so much, I decided to give the pillow a Spanish name so I am embracing Argentine tango in my dreams!).  Recently I have also added to the sea of cushions a triangle shaped pillow (named Tracey) to be placed right under my big belly for added support.   

It is getting more difficult to get comfortable at night.  Sleeping on my back cuts off some type of blood supply that I ended up with a numb leg, so I had to try to stay on my side as much as possible.  Some help is required since sleeping on my side is also getting harder with the belly pulling my body into an odd shape that hurts my back, and I am sure it will only get worse as I get bigger over the next few months.  Pablo and Tracey helps, but every single time i switch sides it involves moving all the pillows around me which inevitably means I am somewhat awake after rearranging all the pillows.

I guess this is good practice before little K comes since I probably won't be able to sleep through the night when that day comes. And for the time being, at least I am glad Pablo and Tracey makes the night a little more bearable.

Week 24: Blessed

Mic and I just completed our little mini-holiday around the east coast of Taiwan.   I cannot help but feel so blessed.

First, the 10 days went by like a blast, we enjoyed the beautiful scenery of Taiwan and experienced my home land in a way I have never experienced before -- these are places I have not been for over 15 years, and some spots I have never been ever.   The trip worked out perfectly.  We did it in a leisurely way, driving and stopping when we felt like it, stayed at a variety of  interesting BnB's, and saw the mountains, ocean, gorge, plains of rice patties, hot spring and cold spring, you name it!  

Second and most importantly, despite all the preparation of finding out the nearest hospitals along the way before the trip in case we needed any emergency stops turned out to be just good back-up plans we never had to use.   I am now approaching the end of my 24th week and little K seems to be doing well since I feel him kicking stronger than ever and we are one step closer to the 28th week milestone when premature babies have a better chance of survival.

Of course we took the trip super easy given all the doctor's advise to not attempt anything strenuous -- mic was like a strict parent policing every single activity I do, especially in his mind I have a tendency to overdo things -- I am not allowed under the sun so he always has an umbrella over my head, I am fed water and food at fixed intervals, I am not allowed to walk for more than 30 mins without any rest.  I joke at his strict rules taking away some of the fun since we had to forgo much of the possible activities along the way, but I also felt an immense amount of love from my husband for me and little K. 

Every morning I wake up I am still very thankful for the fact that I have not started bleeding and little K is still inside and growing, and the extreme fear over the condition 2 weeks ago has slowly subsided and I seem to have found peace to deal with it better.  

Tomorrow mic will be going back to Mauritius for 9 days so this will be the first time we will be apart since the start of my pregnancy.  Unfortunately with my condition there is no way I can afford the risk to be on an 11-hour flight so I cannot go with him.  I guess compared to the many HK mothers who had to go to the ultrasounds alone while their husbands are on business trips, I have yet another reason to feel blessed -- I have a husband who is by my side all the time, we enjoy each other's company so much that even being apart for 9 days feels like a long time after 10 long years of marriage.

Do Not Worry

Acceptance doesn't come that easy.  Once in a while the fear comes in a overwhelming way, bringing me to a wailing state of tears of the worst case scenario.   No amount of research, doctor's opinion can bring any comfort on what is the absolute right thing to do now, and the risk is like a ticking time bomb.  For the first time in my life, I am afraid of the potential loss of my life, my baby, and even my uterus that will prevent us from ever having another child.

I also had to make the decision of whether the trip to Taipei, leaving in a few hours, in still on.   Debating the factors that I really wanted to see my grandmother, really wanted a vacation (I know thinking about having fun should be the last thing on my mind now), and that Mic will be in Mauritius for 10 days after our scheduled Taiwan vacation to pick up his mother to live with us in HK for a month and I did not want to be home alone during that time, vs the risk of anything bad happening on that 1.5 hour flight.   Should I take a chance?  Should I trust that things will be okay?

And I turned to God.

Not being to really call myself a Christian, but I have been an active "searcher" for some time.  I find comfort in reading the words of prayers.  At times of difficulty (the first trimester and now), I call on all my friends who I thought have a better "direct line" to God for prayer support, and for some reason that always calm me down.   These times offer the opportunity of a deep reflection of life and faith, and maybe this is my chance to start to build that relationship with Him that I haven't been able to in the past.

Just as I was debating in my own head of this decision to travel, I read in a daily passage ---

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, it empties today of its strength".

I concluded my day by thanking God for another day of a fulfilled life, another day for little K to be growing and kicking up a storm like he's having a disco party in my tummy.  And I will not worry, I trust that God has a path for us, will provide for us the strength that I need to leave my worries behind, bit by bit, day by day, to count my blessings and leave the rest in His good hands.


在神沒有憂慮這種事

所以我告訴你們，不要為生命憂慮，喫甚麼，喝甚麼；也不要為身體憂慮，穿甚麼。…你們看天空的飛鳥，牠們既不種，也不收，又不收積在倉裡，你們的天父尚且養活牠們。你們不比牠們貴重麼？（馬太福音六25~26）

你可以這樣禱告：主耶穌，我是你國度的子民，有你神聖的生命和性情，這生命是一個沒有憂慮的生命。主阿，我天然的生命是憂慮的生命，但你的生命卻是享受、安息、安慰和滿足的生命，在你沒有憂慮這件事。主耶穌，我若憂慮，就得罪你，所以我不要讓憂慮霸佔我；藉著活你、享受你，我就能從憂慮得著釋放！

Week 22: Curve Ball

Just as I thought everything was going well as can be, I get thrown a curve ball.

Two days ago I was diagnosed of a grade 4 placenta previa (胎盤前置).   It is a condition where the placenta is placed at the lower part of the uterus (as opposed to the top in a normal pregnancy) and covering the cervix completely, in some cases it moves up as the pregnancy progresses, in my case the doctor said it is very unlikely given how low the placenta is at week 22.  The implications are no chance of a natural birth (so all my pre natal yoga classes and those birthing squats I have been doing clearly are going to waste other than the feel good factor), and the chances of significant bleeding and severe blood loss, pre-term birth are all quite real.  In most cases even upon delivery of the baby if you are lucky enough to carry this through to full term still requires the procedure to be done in a major medical facility where they have enough blood in the bank to deal with the potential blood loss for the mother.

The doctor said there's nothing you can really do to treat the condition, but the only thing is to understand what to do when the bleeding does occur, which simply put, is to go calmly to the ER right away.  I have been advised to stay in low activity mode (no to little exercise), no travel (or basically staying close to a medical facility), and hope for the best.

It was really quite a shock to us so I spent all of yesterday doing my research, getting second opinions from doctors, and going from panic to anger (it's hard not to get angry dealing with the public hospital, which is the only facility capable of treating my condition in HK now, as private hospitals don't have a baby ICU for pre-term babies and also not enough blood for any major blood loss scenarios), and finally back to acceptance.   By the end of the day I was in a calm enough place to joke with mic that when the doctor said this case sometimes leads to the death of the mother if the blood loss becomes very severe and cannot be stopped, so we should prepare to have an oncologist on standby in case you need to take the uterus out to stop the bleeding, the first thought that crossed my mind was "oh no, I still haven't done up my will yet! should get a lawyer and get on the case ASAP" while mic was thinking about how to look for an oncologist.   Clearly our minds function in such different ways.

Things were going so well --- I am filled with energy (relatively speaking of course), mic and I just had a great celebration of our 10th wedding anniversary and was reminded of such wonderful relationship and memories we have created and shared together, even our maid's cooking has become so good over the last few months and was a pleasant surprise.  I felt so blessed in our lives with all the abundance of love and joy and everything we need.  Now with this diagnosis I felt the darkest cloud hanging over me, placing a shadow over everything.

I had to remind myself that nothing really has changed.  This is just one of those things that reminds me yet again how little we ultimately are in control of our lives, especially the important stuff like life and death.  We can only submit to that fact and be humble and count our blessings for the days that we are given, one day at a time.

Our life, was exactly the same three days ago before the diagnosis and now.  Nothing bad has happened other than a known risk that seems very real and the fear in our hearts has grown to take over from the happy thoughts.  It's a mind game, and to fight the instinct of fear and sorrow is the only winning strategy.

Just as every single breath was a miracle in life before, it still is, just even more so when you are reminded that nothing we have is permanent.  I am praying for the best outcome of course, that the placenta will move away and I will be shown a miracle, that I will be blessed to carry this baby to the full term, and that I will survive all of this and raise a happy child together with mic.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers also.

Week 21: Return of the 大胃王

Just as the kicks are unmistakeable from Little K, like a truly pregnant lady, my appetite has also returned in an epic manner.

On Saturday we had brunch with our friends L and A, after ordering the milkshake, the four egg omelette, and a daily soup, I still wanted the burger on the menu.   I held back knowing that would probably be just a little too much food in the end, but the desire to eat everything under the sun, all the time, was a nice contrast to life in the first trimester.

As a result, I am also finally back in the kitchen.  After having relied on our helper for the past few months, I am finally able to organize the food and the menu at home, and teach her new dishes to make again.  

My weight gain has been steady so far, trying carefully to manage so the stretch marks don't appear that easily, and also the yoga, swimming, walking probably also helped to burn off some of those extra calorie intakes.  

The only thing that remains an issue is my sleep --- the insomnia continues at some point during the night.  I can't remember the last time I closed my eyes at night and woke up in the morning!   Now the reasons that keeps me up includes little K having a dance party in my belly in the middle of the night kicking up a storm, my gassy stomach from the food I eat, the heaviness in the belly makes every single position uncomfortable, not to mention moving and rearranging a sea of pillows on the bed whenever I have to change sides to sleep on.   Maybe that Hong Kong milk tea I drank in the afternoon was also not the smartest idea I had, while it tasted great, it sure kept me buzzed for a long time and may have contributed to the fact that I tossed until 4AM and still up 7AM this morning...

Thank God it's a public holiday today.

Kicks

I was 100% sure it was a kick.

It was no longer a suspicion of a vague feeling but a visible little thump on the tummy.   It happened at around 4pm while I was in the office and I quickly sent Mic an SMS telling him we can now play "whack a mole" with little K (of course he said he doesn't want to think of little K as a mole!).  That same evening after dinner while resting on the sofa, I put mic's hand on my tummy and we both felt the next kick.

Such a strange but wonderful feeling to be able to feel a new little life growing inside your body.

Week 20: 50% Complete

It's hard to believe that time still flies even when you are feeling bloated, hot, fat, heavy, and facing insomnia almost every other night, I am now at the start of my 20th week.

Things are going well -- my energy level consistently improves so I am much more productive at work (don't need to sneak out for an afternoon nap anymore), and also trying to keep up with some regular exercise with my twice-a-week prenatal Yoga classes and occasional pilates, I even managed to go swimming for the first time last week.   The plan for traveling back to Taiwan in July is also set -- my last trip before the arrival of little K.  I booked tickets, researched BnBs, and will be spending our last "just-the-two-of-us" holiday with Mic on the beautiful East Coast of Taiwan, which I haven't stepped foot on for almost 15 years and is totally excited about seeing my beautiful home country in a brand new way with Mic.

The book says little K's ears are developed enough that he can hear us now, so Mic has started a routine by saying "早，我是你的爸" to my belly every single morning (he said he wanted little K to recognize his voice when he comes out). It always makes me burst out laughing but also so endeared by how Mic shows his love.

I think I felt little K moving around for the first time this past week, although I am not entirely certain since the books says it feels like bubbles in the tummy at this stage, so my only confirmation is that what felt like my stomach growling from hunger is happening below the belly button and that's where little K's rental home is right now.